announcer: Up next, "Military Stories Week" presents three short documentaries from the GI Film Festival San Diego.

These films, all of them produced by local filmmakers, give viewers a chance to learn about military stories from the perspectives of those who served.

♪♪♪ announcer: Sheepdogs and wolves.

Danny Bevan: Sheepdogs and wolves, you know what I mean.

Wolves are obviously the bad guys, sheep are the general population, and then the sheepdogs are the people that take care of them.

So every Marine, every army, every soldier, every seaman, every airman, they all signed the dotted line saying that like, they want to be the sheepdog and take care of people.

So having the ability taken away from you to protect someone as you would like to is obviously a--it's a battle.

♪♪♪ ♪♪♪ ♪♪♪ ♪♪♪ ♪♪♪ ♪♪♪ ♪♪♪ Ted Meyer: I initially moved to the desert with my partner Ana to be part of this great art community that's up here, but it's a really bifurcated community.

We have a big art community here in Twentynine Palms, but we also have the biggest Marine base in the United States.

When I started interacting with the military personnel out here, I realized that a lot of them were still dealing with trauma from injuries or things that had happened to them overseas, and I thought, I think we could work together.

Danny: The reason I wanted to be a Marine in the first place, like my wife said, we both grew up military brats.

My dad did 26 years.

My mom did 10.

Her dad did.

speaker: 21.

Danny: 21.

My dad's dad was a corpsman at Normandy, so it's kind of like the family business.

Diane Durden: Joined the Marine Corps right out of high school.

I was 18 years old.

Funny story about that, people ask me like, why did you join the Marine Corps, and it's like, well, the short, short, funny story is I was a rebellious teenager and my mother told me not to.

Adam: Being a part of the military was being a part of the country.

Delissa Dawn: My parents divorced when I was three years old.

At a very, very, very early age I knew I was different, that I was more drawn towards the female aspect of life and not the male aspect.

Joining the military served two purposes.

One, it got me away from everybody and everything, and two, it helped me show my masculinity to my family.

♪♪♪ Adam Wenc: I had signed up to be a crew chief in the Marine Corps, which is what my dad did when he was in the Air Force, and that's taking care of the in-flight mechanics and loading of an aircraft, but when I was going through Marine combat training after boot camp, which every Marine goes through regardless of what job you pick, I found out that I have altered depth perception.

So you can't even be a crew chief with altered depth perception, so I had to pick a new job, and I made my list, I gave it to them, they looked at it and they said, okay, well we have a new field in communications.

That's going to be you.

My first deployment, the timeline was--it was an anomaly.

So I finished communication school in mid January.

A month later I was in Camp Coyote, Kuwait, preparing for what would be the invasion of Iraq in 2003.

So my next deployment was to Fallujah in 2004, and I was back in Iraq in March.

Even though I hadn't been in the Marine Corps all that long, this was my second combat deployment.

We had done a convoy earlier, and we came back from the convoy back into the base, which you would think it was the safest place to be.

However, during Fallujah in 2004 there really wasn't such a place.

Came back from the convoy, and convoys, even if nothing occurred combat-wise in the convoy, it's insanely stressful because you're expecting it.

Every foot along the drive you're expecting something to happen, you're on alert for it, and it may be hours, then you come back, and if nothing happened you've got all this pent up adrenaline you don't know what to do with, so for me I went out and I had a cigarette, a couple of cigarettes.

While I was having a cigarette there was a mortar attack on the base.

You don't really know where they're coming from or where they're going to land.

You just try and find cover.

Before I knew what was happening there was an explosion, a flash of gray and red, and I remember being on the ground.

I got up to run away, and as soon as I stood up and I took a step forward I realized that something had happened because it wasn't pain in that moment, but my body wasn't listening to what my brain was telling it, and then I could hear sound start coming back and people were yelling at me to get down, and no problem.

I just fell right back down because of what later became the pain, and that's when I knew I'd been hit.

Diane: My job is a supply clerk.

My MOS, my military occupational specialty, is a supply administration clerk.

I spent a couple of years initially in the Marine Corps on active duty.

When--I got out of the Marine Corps when I was pregnant with my son and was in the civilian community.

Then at some point when I decided I wanted to come back into the Marine Corps I joined as a reservist because that was the opportunity that was available to me at the time.

I deployed with them for Desert Storm.

I went, you know, to Saudi Arabia during a war.

My son stayed home with his dad at the time.

That's probably the first time I really thought about what it meant to be a Marine and what it meant to really serve my country.

I did remember I wrote my son a letter because he was young, he was very young at the time, five years old, trying to explain to him where I was going and why I was going without frightening him.

I think I wrote one letter back home to him that was specific, like if I didn't come home and I didn't read--I wrote it to him, but sent it to somebody else, like if something happens to me, this is for Forrest.

I think that's probably really the only time I thought about what if, because you just don't want to think about the what ifs.

You want to get through the day.

You want to get through what's going on right now today so that you're here tomorrow.

February of 2006 I was diagnosed with breast cancer while I was on active duty.

That did have an impact on, I think, how I viewed myself as a Marine and how others viewed me as a Marine.

♪♪♪ Danny: I was very fortunate that my three deployments that I went on, none of them were combat related.

I was very fortunate that I never had to take a life.

I was very fortunate that no one was trying to take my life.

I've had a bunch of different injuries in my military career.

Thankfully none of them were combat related or, you know, close to fatal.

The worst injury I had happened, not military related at all.

Danny: Wife's up here in Twentynine, says, go enjoy, you know, overnight trip, a day or two with your boys.

You've earned it.

You know, you need it.

So we go down to San Diego.

One of us suggested a drag race.

I don't know who it was.

Obviously we both agreed.

We take off, and there's a drainage run for like, the rain.

We hit that.

I'm slightly in front of him, so he says he sees my bike take air and he feels his take air, and when we come back down we're both squirrely, and we didn't want to run into each other, 'cause that's kind of like, another bond you build in the Marine Corps.

You don't want to hurt your guys.

So he goes wide left to not hit me, and I go wide right to not hit him.

There were no cars in the parking spots he went through, but there was a car in the parking spot I went through.

My bike went through the trunk of the first car, totaling it, hit the next car, and then ping ponged down the road, and it like, started to slide.

So I take off.

The bike, by the grace of God, slides under me and I land headfirst 158 feet down the road.

♪♪♪ ♪♪♪ Delissa: I was in counterterrorism for almost 23 years.

In that job we did a lot of traveling and we saw a lot of --, and sadly, you end up seeing the worst of humanity, and stuff that, you know, to this day I wish I could unsee.

I was shot seven times.

One of the times the bullet barely bounced off the top of my helmet, and then I took three to the back and it shattered my ceramic plate that was in my vest, and then I took two to the chest, and then I took the one in the side, and your vest, Velcro's right there, so it's open, and that's where the round went.

We were convoying through town when we were met with an ambush of heavy gunfire.

All I remembered was at that moment I was trying to use the vehicle as cover and I was shooting up at a building.

There was guys on a rooftop that were shooting at us, but they were on both sides of the road.

So as I'm--I have a line of sight up on the--onto the roof, taking these--trying to take these guys out, somebody from this direction--it had to be where it came from.

Somebody found an empty spot into a building that they got into to try to take cover, but before I could get in there is when I was hit.

I think at first when I realized that I was in a little bit of a denial, and then I think I kind of went into a little bit of a state of shock.

It's like nothing was stopping.

It wasn't over, and I knew that these guys were in the fight of their life, and I'm not going to let them be in the fight of their life without me.

I'm going to be out there with them.

I'm going to do my part, and, but at the same time I'm--I've got this wound, but I'd grabbed some sand and I threw it in my wound to try to keep the--keep it from bleeding too much, packed it with some dirt.

I did the best I could to try to stitch it up myself, just to keep it from bleeding and to stay in the fight.

♪♪♪ Ted: No two people have the same story, even if their scar is from the exact same injury, the emotional impact on each of them is different.

So I have each person pick the color ink they want to use.

I roll ink on them and I pull a print, and it's kind of a vulnerable and emotional experience for a lot of people.

Everybody reacts differently.

Ted: Welcome to the studio.

The first thing, what color?

Delissa: Well, I guess purple.

Ted: Okay.

You've got a new scar.

So what do you think?

This is like, a completely different scar with a different meaning than your-- Delissa: Well, it's just, for me it was kind of the--I guess the meaning is kind of the end of me carrying that day around.

Ted: Delissa's situation is unique because she had cosmetic surgery.

Her scar was a little jagged, and she had it cleaned up, and now it's a nice straight line.

Ted: Looking from the outside, it seems sort of interesting, 'cause it's still a scar, it's still related to the other scar, but it's got a whole different meaning for you now.

Delissa: Yeah, and I think it's just kind of closed that chapter from that day.

You know, obviously not all scars are visible.

You know, a lot of them are still in here, and I'll carry those around probably forever.

I just got to the point where I felt like I want to enjoy life the best that I can, I want to be as mentally sound as possible, and anything I can do to help myself project that in a forward direction, I'll do, and so having that removed was one of them.

Ted: Is it cold?

Delissa: A little bit.

♪♪♪ ♪♪♪ Delissa: When I see the scar, I think about resilience, and that's something that a lot of people try to put into my mind--put into my head, is that I'm very resilient.

Sometimes I do struggle with it.

In my own mind of am I really, you know?

I mean, it's like I still take 147 pills a week.

I still have nightmares.

Am I really that resilient, you know, but I know that at that moment and in that very minute of time, I know I had decisions to make, and I know I could have made a different decision, but I think the resilience part of me just said keep fighting.

It's what you do.

Diane: I am nervous.

It's--I mean, it's not every day somebody's going to lather you up in paint and then make an imprint of your body, and, you know, I'm a little nervous about that.

Even though I didn't feel like I needed this healing process, I feel like this has added to that.

I think this is just another step in that moving forward.

Adam: Still a little bit nervous just to--about the scar, 'cause it's--having it transformed into a piece of art, it's very different.

I think it's going to be very powerful.

Adam: It took a couple of years for me to, I guess, put the proper weight behind like, physical scars and the emotional scars, and that they're two very distinct, separate things.

It took a lot of years, and unlike my physical scars, which aren't that easy to see from a distance now, while they were healing, the emotional scars, they were digging some pretty deep valleys in me.

Diane: I have several scars since my breast cancer journey.

I have been able to probably add four scars.

I had chemotherapy.

They took the tumor out, and then they did radiation in case there were any rogue cells.

Then I had reconstructive surgery.

There are often times where I've thought about what could have caused my cancer.

Is there something I did or didn't do in my own health?

Think about the different experiences, the different places that I've been throughout the Marine Corps, especially as there's a lot of news and information out there that the Veterans Administration is putting out about different experiences or different locations where service members have served that might be cancer causing areas.

In the early '80s, 1983 specifically, I was stationed at Camp Lejeune in North Carolina, and during, I think it was 1991, I was in Saudi Arabia in support of Desert Storm.

I don't know that those environments caused my cancer.

I don't know that.

I don't know they didn't either.

Adam: I became an alcoholic.

You can put whatever adjective you want in front of it, raging, hopeless.

They all apply.

It became I don't want to fall asleep, 'cause I know what I'm going to go through if I fall asleep, so if I drink enough of this, I won't have to think about it as much while I'm awake, and maybe just maybe I can pass out and I can not have to think about it in my sleep when I'm defenseless, but where I'm at in my life now, that the people that are in my life, it's worth it.

♪♪♪ ♪♪♪ ♪♪♪ ♪♪♪ Ted: Here's your scar.

So what do you see?

What do you think?

Danny: Yeah, okay, so that scar, it changed so much, huh?

All these goals, toss those in the can, you know what I mean, from a 12 inch scar.

Ted: So you're coming to terms with the fact that this is making you leave the service?

Danny: No, I'm not ready to open that chest yet.

I'll open that box when I'm ready.

♪♪♪ ♪♪♪ Ted: The reason I do this goes back to my childhood.

I was a sick kid.

I did artwork about the fact that I was sick, and it made me feel better about myself, it made it easier for other people to understand what was going on with me, and then I got healthy and I thought maybe I can use this way of dealing with illness to help other people.

I don't do this for money.

I don't do this to get them in galleries.

It's really just a matter of helping people with art, helping them with their emotions, and maybe giving them something beautiful they can look on the wall and think, that was a section of my life that happened, and now I'm on to something else.

Adam: I'm not healed.

I'm not sure I ever will be.

I'm not sure what even that would look like.

Jelena: Not every human experience is beautiful, but it is important.

It is important to share it.

Adam: I know that what's going to be on there will be able to speak to somebody, and then hopefully in some way positively affect them or let them know, like, it's not just me who's affected by it, and it's powerful.

Adam: When people see my finished painting, I hope they're able to get an immediate acknowledgement that they're not alone.

Diane: I used to facilitate these workshops for the American Cancer Society for our fundraiser groups, and one of the icebreakers was name an animal, your spirit animal that you identify yourself with and why, and I always used to pick the desert tortoise, 'cause they have an outer shell, but they're very--still very fragile.

They have this outer core that protects them, but inside, if you--the wrong move could be very detrimental to them, and I feel like that's me in some sense, that I put this big wall up or I guard myself.

I don't always let everybody in, but I still have these vulnerabilities.

♪♪♪ ♪♪♪ Delissa: I don't know if I'll ever look at myself differently.

I think that's going to take a whole lot more.

Marina Rosas: I hope Delissa cries the first time she sees the painting of her scar because she does not cry a lot.

She holds a lot in, and in that crying, I hope she feels relief, that it's all beautiful.

What she's doing is beautiful, what she's gone through is beautiful, because it's made her who she is today, and she's a beautiful person.

Danny: The potential is extreme here as far as like, mentally accepting what you look like, accepting your scars.

This is a huge step for, you know, feeling comfortable in your skin again, especially after you've had something that injured you and changed your physical appearance drastically, but it's definitely a true honor to be here with people that, you know, are going through the same thing and to be a part of helping each other.

♪♪♪ Ted: When I give Delissa and Adam and Diane and Danny their prints, I hope they look at them and they realize that their sacrifice was valued by me and everybody else in the country.

I hope they look at them and they think that was something I've been through and look at my strength, that I've made it through and I've gotten past it.

I'd just like them to have something beautiful that they can look at and think how strong they are and that their stories matter, matters to everybody.

♪♪♪ ♪♪♪ Adam: That is great.

Delissa: That's beautiful.

I love that.

Let me give you a hug.

It's a little emotional, much more than I thought it would be.

♪♪♪ ♪♪♪ Delissa: I love the fact that he did incorporate the horses in the painting because what I do now is give a home to horses who have gone through abusive situations, neglect, almost being slaughtered.

So I'm now a nonprofit horse rescue sanctuary.

Danny: It was really cool the way you captured the turning of a page.

That's the end of my Marine Corps career.

That's the final page of my Marine Corps chapter.

It's kind of like the the end page.

Diane: Oh, the ones like a quilt.

That's really cool.

Quilting is a big part of what I do now.

My quilting over the last several years has kind of evolved into doing quilts, quilts of valor, and those quilts get presented and given to veterans as a way of thanking them for their service and welcoming them home or, you know, whatever, just wrapping them in warmth and love.

Adam: We all went to the beach and we all ended up getting sunburned, and none of us really planned on it, but yet here we all are.

♪♪♪ ♪♪♪ ♪♪♪ Ashley Christman: I continue to do research and I continue to listen to my body.

There is a level of critical thinking and analysis that goes into any diagnosis that I felt like was just not being applied, so if others aren't going to apply it, then I needed to do it for myself because there's no better advocate for you than you.

The medical community, Navy medicine has determined that it is more likely than not that my cancer is caused from toxic exposure, just a, you know, byproduct of what we do.

Got five years and four months of service overseas in combat deployments and various humanitarian response.

I took an oath, and in that oath I was also willing to and very cognizant of the fact that I could give my life to my country at some point.

I didn't know that that would happen in slow motion, but I don't have any regrets and I still mean every bit of my commitment.

Here I am, fighting the new fight.

My name is Ashley Christman.

I am an active duty Marine officer.

Been serving for about 16.5 years now.

I have a small bowel NET, primary in the small intestine and terminal ileum.

Stage 4, so it's already metastasized to multiple locations before we had diagnosed it and found it, in grade two, so a little bit slower, but kind of medium as to how these things go.

Serving in the military, it was just something I thought about for years, and, you know, went to college, wanted to finish my degree.

I was wrapping that up, and then 9/11 happened, and just watching what our nation went through is something that I still get a little emotional about, and I just wanted to be part of the solution.

I wanted to help.

Ashley: The Marine Corps means an opportunity to be a part of something much bigger than I am, an opportunity to contribute to our national security and defense, an opportunity to protect those that I love, family and community, and our values, our American values.

Just part of who I am now.

I think if I were not in the Marine Corps and I were not a Marine officer I would not have lived this long.

In the Marine Corps we have a saying, which is semper fidelis, which means always faithful.

We also have a saying that's less formal, which is a semper gumbi, which means always flexible, and certainly not Latin.

It uniquely applies, I think, to my situation because you have a plan in life.

Every day my wife and I are waking up.

We're putting on the uniform.

We're going to work, we're raising our son.

We're ready at a moment's notice to deploy in defense of our own nation and national security.

We were not prepared for waking up and putting on our cancer fight, but we flexed and we're doing it, and we're making it happen the best way that we know how.

Melissa DePriest: My name is Melissa DePriest.

I'm Ashley's wife, and we're both active duty Marine Corps officers serving on Marine Corps Base Camp Pendleton.

Ashley: Melissa and I met serving together, which was great and unexpected.

We actually met in Quantico.

We were both serving at officer candidate school.

We were just fast friends initially.

Now we've been married for ten years and have a three and a half year old son, which is just hard to believe.

Melissa: So if I had to tell you about Ashley in a couple, I guess, keywords, you know, I would definitely use resilience, strength.

Ashley: She's just warm and kind.

She cares deeply about people.

Melissa: They talk about me as her spouse as a caregiver, but I actually feel like she's both the patient and the caregiver when it comes to our family.

She has been the one that has really kept us more mentally calm with what she's going through.

It is a strength that she has that I just don't have, and I understand that, and I am so forever thankful.

It's a quality that I saw in her right away.

She has proven that to be like, a number one trait and quality.

Ashley: I started feeling like something wasn't right.

I was having kind of a constellation of symptoms that, you know, at first I thought they were kind of fleeting, and it took me a while to kind of put it together, and, you know, I would go to medical and talk to doctors about various things.

My labs looked great.

I look very healthy and would often be met with a very dismissive response.

Melissa: She's been in so many different countries doing so many different things.

Sometimes you just don't know how your biology connects and shapes.

So in my mind I didn't think it was that serious.

Looking back now I wish I would have, you know, been along with her journey a little bit sooner than I was because she was the one researching and identifying and trying to figure that out, and no one was doing that but her.

Ashley: I remember at one point, pretty close to my diagnosis actually in 2021, I was seeing one of my primary providers, and I just out of frustration was like, "Man, isn't there some sort of just cancer panel, like, testing that we could do for multiple different cancers, you know.

You got the labs.

I got the blood.

Let's marry them up," right, and just like, rule some things out because something isn't right, and the doctor looked at me and was like, you know, just like, how silly is that, that you, you know, and I was like, oh, okay.

I mean, I guess maybe.

I don't know, but I just know something's not right, you know, and I had to continue to be persistent.

I finally had a new symptom that came about that I plugged into my research, probably 1 o'clock in the morning, working long days at the Pentagon, and I think it was actually the Carcinoid Cancer Foundation website that came up, and it talked about the five E's of carcinoid syndrome, and it, you know, shared various--the constellation of symptoms with that, and I looked at it and I said, "Oh my gosh, I have cancer."

So I then took that information to my doctor and I said, "Look, I know that this is incredibly rare and incredibly specific, but I need someone to hear me.

I think I have a neuroendocrine carcinoid tumor right about here, and I need you to take me seriously," and she looked at me and she said, "Okay."

It still took another six months for me to get in and get through evaluations and what have you and get the diagnosis, and again, I told the surgeon, I said, "I think it's right here," and he said, "Okay, well, I'll do certain things to try and get to that area," and they found it and that was actually exactly where my primary tumor was.

♪♪♪ Ashley: I got my diagnosis ten days before my wife and I made a move, coast to coast move from the Pentagon to Southern California.

Melissa: We both had orders to Camp Pendleton.

We had a ten month old baby boy.

Ashley: I said, "Okay, we're moving.

We have orders."

They're called orders, not optionals.

Melissa: I was sitting in the empty apartment.

I had just signed the paperwork for the truck to leave, and then it hit me, and it hit me hard because the emotional journey of a move that big from the East Coast to the West Coast was enough with a ten month old son, but now to figure out how do we transfer her care, and that's when it hit me as far as stage 4 cancer, what does that mean?

What does our future look like, what does our son's future look like, you know, and my first question to her was, how does this thing get you?

Like, in the end, how are you going to die from this?

Ashley: I can't imagine what the burden feels like for her, and it breaks my heart to have put her in this situation.

We're new moms, she's a commanding officer, and her wife has cancer, and she almost lost me three times this year, and she was as strong as anybody could possibly be each one of those times.

We made the move, and I talked to the medical team that I was working with on the East Coast.

They did a warm handoff, and I spent about a month and a half just seeing every specialist for everything that possibly lit up on my PET scan.

We found out that it had spread to bone, a new region, that it was not stabilized, and at that point I needed to make a new plan.

Ocean therapy is something that I do.

It helps train your brain to just be present.

You are this helpless being amongst those waves that has to, you know, find your way, and sometimes you have to move with the wave and sometimes you have to fight against it, and it's one giant metaphor for life.

Kind of resets the central nervous system and helps me be ready to fight when I have to surge physically and medically.

So the plan moving forward is stay solutions focused, right?

We looked at the clinical trials that were available, and I was referred to the National Cancer Institute for a combined trial with olaparib and PRRT.

So it's a chemotherapy, radiation combined trial together, and I have already done my first treatment.

I've got three more cycles to go, and we're very optimistic as to the outcomes that we think we're going to get from that, so.

I ended up going on to a limited duty status and transferring to a new warrior battalion to stop and focus on the cancer fight.

Melissa: The way that I try to support and provide for her is now looking at the bigger picture, which is we don't know where her career is going, we don't know what her future job is.

She has a very stringent routine now when it comes to medication and the timing of the medication combined with the timing of when she can eat with the medication, so it's very regimented.

I take the morning routine with our son.

That's something that I try to do as a caretaking action to alleviate some of that, so I do pick up a lot of things with our son Archer, and then throughout the day, whether it's texting or calling Ashley, you know, how are you doing?

What did you do today?

♪♪♪ Ashley: What I would tell newly diagnosed patients is you are your own best advocate.

Your endocrine cancer is 1% of cancers in America.

Just because you have an oncologist, it doesn't mean that they necessarily understand your cancer.

So do research.

Do your research.

Know and understand your cancer the best that you can.

Ask the questions and be involved.

Melissa: Her being her own advocate is what led to her diagnosis.

I am firm on the fact that if she had not been going to see multiple doctors and asking for additional referrals, that she may not be here today.

What I focus on to get us through is actually something that I learned from Ashley.

It's something that we've talked about a lot, where we talk about, you know, if you're focused on things that happened in the past that you cannot affect, that leads to depression.

If you're focused on things in the future that are too far that haven't happened yet, you know, that could create anxiety.

So we have something that we talk about and we reset ourselves almost weekly on it, which is you've got to live in the moment.

You've got to take everything day by day.

Ashley: You know, after waking up from the emergency surgery that I had, you know, there was a period of time, probably about two months, three months, that we kind of lived in this shell of tentativeness.

We had to deliberately start doing activities to get ourselves out there again because it was scary at first, and every single day I wake up in a carpe diem mood, you know, this is it, I got to seize the day, and people use the phrase live like you're dying, and I actually would say I disagree with that.

You need to live like you're living, being present in every moment you can possibly be present in, and taking the time to go have lunch with your wife at work or planning the things that you've been talking about and that you were going to get to later.

No, we're going to do it now, you know, so we've been trying really hard to just live like we're living.

♪♪♪ ♪♪♪ ♪♪♪ ♪♪♪ Taryn Harris: They're good parents, great parents.

♪♪♪ ♪♪♪ Catherine Harris: We had to get it right.

All of America was watching.

We had to get this right, and I cannot ask my soldiers to do something I'm not willing to do it myself.

speaker: They pushed me to Kabul.

They moved me to another location for another mission, so Jenny and I separated with the understanding that her and I would come back together at some point.

They would either take me back to Kandahar or they'd push her to where I was at.

She didn't make it, that they're going to bring her back with them.

Catherine: Hip hop lose your -- speaker: Out of all the people.

Hit my-- [inaudible] Catherine: Jenny to sit here and talk to Jenny like I was-- Catherine Harris: Even more proud that I was the one that was going to be able to take Jenny home.

♪♪♪ Catherine: There are casualties of war outside of the casualties of war, and I feel as though my daughter, she is going to have to come to terms with watching her mom unravel, and I'm still making amends for some of my mistakes.

She tells me all the time, you know, there's some stuff I'm dealing with, mom, and there's some things I got to forgive you for, and I know she does, and so I just--I give her her grace, give her her space, and I pray over her every day.

So my son and my daughter both had to watch their mom unravel, and then my daughter had to watch her mom try to put herself back together.

Probably paying for it for the rest of my life.

♪♪♪ ♪♪♪ ♪♪♪ Taryn: She's very-- she's very outgoing, she's strong, and she's lovable, yeah, yeah.

Taryn: When she got back from deployment, she was just cold.

Like, I don't know, she was cold, but she was also, like, very emotional, and before the deployment, she wasn't.

You would get rock solid.

Like, my mom was not emotional at all before that, but then after that it's just she was crying all the time, and I wasn't used to that.

I don't blame her.

I don't resent her.

It's like that's life, stuff happens.

You keep pushing.

Like, I don't think about it too much.

I mean, obviously it still affects me, like talking about it clearly, but it's just, it's life.

Daniel Bernardi: 'Cause your mom is outgoing, strong, and lovable.

Taryn: Yeah.

Daniel: And how about your dad?

Will Harris: The post-deployment, Taryn, I think my daughter saw some things that she'd never seen before, being such a-- I think she's only 10, 11 years old at the time.

She went through a lot.

I was planning on-- I was retired.

I got out of the military.

When she came back, her relationship with Taryn just seemed to change, and I think when they went to Italy, it got worse.

Taryn: So after she came back from deployment, she developed a drinking problem, and then she moved me to Italy without my dad's knowing and the consent.

Daniel: So you defined Italy as trauma?

Taryn: Yeah, I think that's, like, dictionary definition.

You see trauma, Italy, is like, right there, just craziness.

Suicidal ideations, stuff like that.

Will: I left here in Georgia to fly to Italy to be with her for two weeks because Taryn had took a turn for the worse.

She was admitted to a hospital.

It was terrible.

Taryn: And then--in a foreign country by myself, my mom's going TDY for two weeks at a time.

She has a drinking problem, so it's like, a whole thing.

A lot of stuff, a lot of pressures.

Will: The drinking, Taryn did not like the drinking.

She couldn't stand it.

Taryn: But that's also like, because of how I grew up, but the constant moving and stuff, you just kind of forget.

Daniel: Why did y'all move so much?

Taryn: The military.

I kind of hate hearing talk about the military at this point in my life because it's just, one, it brings back bad memories, and then it's like, I didn't grow up understanding half the stuff they were talking about, so it's like, now I don't care about that, but it's like when we talk about where we're at in life because of the military, then I'll join that conversation.

♪♪♪ ♪♪♪ Taryn: She was distant, and I've always been an independent kid, so it never like--I didn't notice it, but definitely became more--I didn't really need her, 'cause I was going through my own thing.

She was going through her own things.

So it's like my bubble, her bubble.

That's life, yeah.

♪♪♪ Catherine: Hey there.

Hi there.

Catherine: There's a saying in Sanskrit and yoga, asteya.

It's non-stealing.

It's like you have to let someone else have their own journey.

Like I can't steal her journey from her.

I've got to let her go on that on her own, and my son as well, and I do, I forget, but I can't-- Daniel: Not an easy job.

Catherine: Right, but I can't tell her how to heal and in what time capacity, or how to forgive me.

So it's kind of hard when you see the hurt and anger on her face, knowing that you're the cause of it, and you're trying your best to be present and you're doing your best for yourself, but you got to--I have to allow her to have those days, those emotions, and I can't take that from her.

I can't yell at her for it, 'cause those are her honest feelings, those are her honest emotions.

Daniel: It struck me I didn't ask you, why did the army destroy your marriage?

'Cause you were-- ♪♪♪ Daniel: Why do you think--you think spousal abuse is a problem in the military?

Catherine: Facts, yes, because of the op tempo and because no one gives a --, and especially for seniors is you require so much of them, and as a senior we are in charge with being--taking care of the morale and welfare for everyone underneath our charge, so then by the time you get home, you literally have nothing left.

Your spouse is just asking you to show up, so I was all over the place, 'cause I never had time to deal with or process the thing with Jenny, then I'm fighting for my career.

I got two kids and I got a husband.

I didn't have anything left for the marriage.

Like, I'm trying to find that balance, and I got sick of just arguing.

I got sick of just fighting, 'cause I hear it and I'm fighting for my career, and that just--that took a huge toll on me, 'cause I felt like I was by myself.

He took my gun, and now he took my-- Daniel: Who?

Catherine: My ex-husband.

Catherine: My husband at the time took my gun.

So I was more livid about that like, I don't know, that security blanket like, "Just give me back my -- gun."

He's like, "No, I can't give you back your gun.

You're just not acting right," and like, "I don't give a -- what else you do.

Just give me back my gun," like, "I want my gun."

"No, I'm afraid you're going to do something, you know, to yourself."

I said, "Well, to be honest with you, you need to give me back my -- gun, and if you don't, you won't make it through the night."

I had nothing left in me, and then I was taking everything out on him, and the military, they didn't give a --.

I showed up, I performed, I did the job, but they don't check on you when you get back.

Like, are you okay?

Do you need some time?

Do you need marital counseling?

They--there's no process for that.

There's a process to get you ready to go to deploy.

There's the process to train you how to deploy.

Excuse me, what you're going to do while you're deployed, but there's no process when you come home.

Okay, now you're home.

Now you're back.

Let's see how we can reintegrate you back into your life and into your family's life, and, oh, by the way, are you okay with this loss you just suffered?

There was none of that, and he said it.

He's like, "You came back changed, damaged, and different," and he said, "I can't do nothing with that."

You can't, so you can get the -- out.

Got back, we'll say April 2.

By April 4 he had packed his truck and was gone, and Army, they don't--I even asked for family counseling.

I went in and asked for family counseling.

You know what I was told?

"We don't offer that."

Will: I think it was a total failure on the military part, but especially on Catherine's part.

Daniel: Do you think the army could have done better for Taryn?

Taryn: I don't know.

Daniel: Some people your age don't know they can do it on their own, you know it.

Yeah, you've been through fire.

Taryn: You think?

I don't know.

I feel like it's just like--I don't know how it is for other people, so I don't know, like, if it's that bad, you know?

So I just never think it's, like, that bad, 'cause, like, it could be worse, obviously, but like, it's whatever.

That's how I just feel about a lot of things.

Daniel: Have you and him sort of reconciled a little bit, talked it out, talked it through?

Catherine: Oh man, we talk about it every time we see each other.

First I was upset, 'cause he left, but in all reality, A, it happened the way it was supposed to, and B, had he stayed I would have never got better.

Daniel: You know, to me she blames herself.

Taryn: For the divorce?

Daniel: Yeah, when she's talking to me she blames herself.

At least that's my memory, and how much she still loves him.

Taryn: Hm, really?

Daniel: She just told me that today.

Were you there?

Taryn: This is a joke, right?

Jesse Sutterley: No, no, seriously, that's what she said earlier today.

Taryn: No, she didn't.

Jesse: I swear to God.

Taryn: No, she didn't.

Jesse: I swear, on my mom.

Taryn: On your mom?

Jesse: On my mom she said-- Daniel: Oh, he pulled mom card out, he's a momma's boy.

Taryn: They're great friends.

They're the bestest friends ever.

I will definitely--I'm definitely grateful that my parents have the relationship they do because it could be so much worse, that you would never even think they went through the things that they went through.

Like, they're--it's like night and day.

Will: Do you still carry that burden?

Catherine: I do because I--wait a minute.

I'm over here getting ready to express myself.

I'm being emotive, and y'all will give me a... Will: Well, we're a smiling-- Catherine: Y'all give me the Captain Kirk and Mr.

Spock.

Will: Well, it's funny you should say that, but he's smiling about it because we talk about it because--can I share it?

Taryn: Um-hum.

Will: 'Cause Taryn feels you still carry that.

Taryn: Yeah, I mentioned that, yeah.

Daniel: So you know you're loved?

Taryn: Yes, yeah.

Daniel: So they did something right.

Taryn: Mhm, they're good parents, great parents.

Catherine: Well yeah, so I still carry some of that sadness.

It's not a burden.

It's not a burden.

I carry some of that sadness in my heart because-- Will: I think that's what it is.

She hasn't really totally forgiven herself for it, 'cause she knows it had a detrimental effect, and I fault myself too.

I'd be remiss to say that I don't take fault in it.

It's truly has been a journey.

From the time she was infant, her name was Hope.

You know, we named her Hope.

Didn't know whether or not she was going to survive it because Catherine, she missed--she had like, two miscarriages back to back, so Taryn was named Hope.

Catherine: So there are casualties of war outside of the casualties of war, and for the longest time I thought, oh, there's something wrong with me, 'cause I'm still crying.

I'm not healed.

That's --.

It's an emotion, it's a reaction, and I'm allowed to have it, and that's what everyone needs to -- know.

It doesn't make me damaged, broken.

I don't need to be fixed.

I need to be allowed to have my feeling and keep it moving.

♪♪♪ ♪♪♪ Catherine: Welcome to Cat's Corner.

What is Cat's Corner and who am I?

speaker: Snafu, yes, let's go.

Catherine: What does snafu mean, situation normal, all -- up.

That's a good way of telling a senior leader that you messed up something, but without getting in trouble.

Add a little sense of humor.

If someone says, "Hey, what's the sit-rep?

What's going on?

What's happening?"

"We're in a snafu right now for a start."

speaker: The deeper meaning of too easy.

Catherine: Get out of my head, 'cause I was--okay, All right, let's go.

Glad you were here today.

Next slide.

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