(bright string music) ♪ (Miriam) Oh, good, breakfast.

♪ Now, a bit of cheese... (crunching) ...and a bit of onion.

What could be so funny about onions?

Yeah.

(Miriam) I know they do make your breath smell, but...it's onion.

(Alan) This is Miriam Margolyes.

(Miriam) And this is Alan Cumming.

(Alan) Now, Miss Miriam, please let me take you -on a little... -A wee tour.

♪ We've decided it's time we both reconnected with our Scottish roots.

That's my haggis!

(Alan) Miriam is one of our best-loved actresses... (vocalizing) ...and has lit up stage and screen over a 60-year career.

(Miriam) What do you think of that?

My Glaswegian father instilled in me a love of this great country.

♪ I'm just a tart from the slums.

(Alan chuckles) Alan's an award-winning actor and performer... ♪ It's Saturday night on Broadway ♪♪ (Miriam) ...who has had an amazing journey from Scottish soaps to Hollywood.

(Alan) Heh-heh, that's showbiz!

I live in New York with my husband, Grant, but I was born and raised in Scotland.

All this could be mine, Miriam!

-Mine!

-Well, I don't know about that.

Now, at the grand old ages of 80 and 56... -Grr!

-Oh!

(Alan) ...we're driving 'round the land of our fathers.

These are cute.

I think we've got this.

(Miriam) I'll be showing Alan my Scottish bits...

I wish they could see that we'd come back.

(Alan) ...and I'll be showing Miriam mine.

-Gird your loins, Miriam.

-I am girded.

(Alan) Looking to our past... (Miriam) I feel emotional.

(Alan) This is freaking me out.

(Miriam) ...and experiencing new things.

Oh no, I'm not doing this.

No, forget it.

No, I've had enough of this.

(arrow firing) (Alan) Nailed it!

...all whilst trying to keep our camper van on the road.

(Miriam) It's that one, it was that one there.

(horn blares, tires screech) (Alan) Don't distract me, all right?

I'm panicking!

-This is the turning here.

-Got it.

-..., sorry 'bout that.

-God help us.

(frantic music slows) ♪ (bright music) (Alan) It's the last leg of our journey through Scotland together, and we're having a wet start in the glorious Highlands.

(rain pattering) (Miriam) How do you feel about windscreen wipers?

Fine.

-Do you want me to put them on?

-Thank you.

(both laughing) I didn't like to be demanding.

(Alan) I'm not averse to them.

(Miriam) As the sun comes out, we head to a champion butcher's in the Highlands to get a first-in-a-lifetime experience.

Just a finger.

(laughing) -No, not two fingers?

-No, just the one.

(Alan) We drive south by the sweeping banks of the Firth of Tay as Miriam takes a novel approach to the national sport.

-My ... are in the way.

-Oh, no!

(Alan) Heading south of Monifieth, we stop at a farm to learn something new about Miriam's favorite breakfast vegetable.

We're moving on to the sexual benefit of onions.

I took the cucumber out of my mouth at that moment.

Face the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune in the forests of the east coast.

I know how to pull, love.

(laughing) (Alan) And, in the Scottish borders, we take in the stately grandeur of my dream home.

(Miriam) It's absurd!

-But it's wonderful!

-Yeah.

(mellow music) As we head towards Dingwall in the Highlands, I'm starting the week on a mission to make a vegan version of my favorite Scottish dish.

I used to love white pudding, which is like... -What is that?

-It's got oatmeal and spices in a sort of sausage shape, and then, you know, you get it in chip shops, you deep-fry it, and then you have it with chips.

Although the main ingredients of white pudding are vegetable-based, it is bound together with animal fat, suet, which is a no-go for vegans like me, but I've found a butcher's in Dingwall who can help me.

They will attempt to make a vegan white pudding for me.

-Oh, how wonderful!

-So, finally, my search is complete.

The small-market town of Dingwall sits around 15 miles north of Inverness at the head of the Cromarty Firth.

Recently it's been famed for the award-winning delicacies produced by this Highland butcher's.

First opened in 1955, Cockburns are Scotland's first ever champion haggis makers, and they make half a ton of the stuff every week.

(Miriam) I've never had haggis.

(Alan) Why is that?

(Miriam) Well, I always thought it was made of pork, -and so I don't eat pork.

-I know.

I always thought haggis would be a cow, so this could be a game-changer day for you.

So the mission has been accepted.

I'm going to make a vegan white pudding, and Miriam is going to create a kosher haggis.

(owner) Hello there.

You want to come down to (indistinct) and find out.

-Wow.

-Come on, Miriam.

Cockburns' owner, Fraser MacGregor, is creating a first for us today, adapting a basic recipe that hasn't changed in Scotland since medieval times.

(Miriam) Look at the spoon!

That's like a chair, that spoon.

(Fraser) Got all the ingredients here for the white pudding.

That's your mixing tray, the right tray there.

Put your onions in.

(Alan) Fraser's swapping the animal fat usually found in white pudding with vegetable suet.

The remaining ingredients-- oatmeal, onions, herbs, and spices-- stay the same.

(Fraser) Just give that a quick mix with your spurtle there.

(Miriam) Stir your spurtle!

-What's in this?

-That's a lot of secret ingredients that I can't reveal.

(Miriam) While Alan carries on with his white pudding, I get to start my haggis.

(Fraser) You put the suet in first.

-Mmm!

-It's lamb loins and shoulder of the lamb as well.

(Miriam) As it's made using lamb and beef, Fraser's haggis is kosher.

-Right, that's not too bad.

-Not too bad?!

Bloody hell!

Next thing to do is to put the oatmeal in.

It smells Jewish, that's what I like.

While I get mixing, Alan's shaping his white pudding by hand.

(Alan) Oh, this is like the big sausage bins.

(Fraser) Yes.

(Miriam) While I've got a fancy machine to do the work for me.

I'm just worried about this turd coming out.

That's my haggis!

(laughing) (Alan) After an hour or so of cooking, our white pudding and haggis are ready for sampling.

(Miriam) It's got ever so long, hasn't it?

(Fraser) It does expand a wee bit in there, in the warmth.

(Alan) It's what happens.

(chuckling) -Shall we just squirt a bit?

-Well, just a bit, darling, because I don't like looking at it coming out.

(laughing) Just a finger.

(laughing) -No, not two fingers?

-No, just the one.

We're very rude.

-Ready?

-Right.

(Alan) After all the hilarity, it's time for me to try my very first vegan white pudding.

Oh, it's been so long.

And it's time for Miriam to try her very first haggis.

(Miriam) Oh, that's lovely!

(Alan) That's nice.

What was that, the white pudding?

-No, mine.

-Her first ever haggis.

Let's have a moment.

-That is lovely.

-See what you've been missing all these years.

(Miriam) That is strong flavor.

Now, this is slightly more delicate, I suspect.

-Like myself.

-A little more delicate.

I like it, but I like the haggis more.

But it's very tasty.

(Fraser) If I put that white pudding in front of somebody and not told them it was vegetarian, they'd be hard-pressed to tell it was vegetarian.

(Alan) I know, yeah.

I was a virgin, and I'm not anymore.

-I popped your haggis cherry.

-It's never too late.

You're right.

Well, I won't die wondering.

(Alan) I think our work here is done.

(Miriam) This is a haggis made by Miriam Margolyes.

(Alan) It actually happened, yeah.

(Miriam) I know it looks like a fat turd, and I have been called that, but this tastes a lot better, I believe.

-No, it definitely does.

-It really was delicious.

(Alan) And I'm glad you liked my vegan option.

-I love your vegan sausages.

-You understand why my quest to get a vegan version of these white puddings was... -Absolutely.

-The quest was real.

(bright music) (lively music) The next morning, we're up early and heading southeast across country towards the Firth of Tay where lies the pretty coastal town of Monifieth.

♪ Over the years, the sandy dunes that formed many of the beaches on Scotland's east coast have been turned into some of the world's very best links golf courses.

(Miriam) Oh, yes, golf.

It's unavoidable in these parts.

♪ 'Cause you know how much you and I enjoy golf.

(laughing) The producers of the show insisted that we do an item on golf.

(Miriam) I am not going to lie, even for you.

-We hate golf!

-I think it's silly, but, you know, they usually have very nice places to do it.

Yes, but I've got many issues with golf, a lot to do with class and economy and... -Oh, I never thought of that.

-...things like that.

It's more like that for me.

It didn't use to be like that for me when I grew up in Carnoustie, which is a big huge golf town, of course, but now I fear that is not the case, and, you know, this whole sort of-- the disparity between...rich and poor in our societies now, and I feel that golf is, um... has profited from that, let's say that.

(Miriam) Well, definitely, I can tell you that Jews were not allowed to join golf clubs.

(Alan) That's right, restricted.

Yes, there's all that too.

So that's also part of it.

It's all about the right kind of person.

Anyway, so we've obviously got a lot of baggage about golf.

(laughing) In our pursuit to offload some excess baggage, I'm taking Miriam to Monifieth Golf Links to meet an old school friend of mine, Alan Scott, who is taking a rather novel approach to the game by using the energy-healing practice of Reiki to help improve performance.

(Miriam) So he's a healer?

(Alan) He's a healer.

-A golfer and a healer.

-Yeah.

I'm just gonna park across two things like this 'cause... show biz.

Right.

You ready to be healed?

(Miriam) Yeah.

(laughing) -Me too.

-Reiki, Reiki!

(laughing) (Alan) Scotland has over 550 golf courses, and my friend Alan is one of the only people in the country pioneering this new approach to teaching the game.

I'm yet to be convinced about golf, but today, I'm loving the heat.

-Hi, how are we going on?

-Alan Scott, how are you doing?

-Very good.

-Ah, look at you.

-This is Miriam.

-Hi, Miriam, how are you?

(Miriam) Hello, darling.

Oh, I like a man with shorts.

(Alan) So how long have you been working here?

(Alan Scott) I've only been here for about four or five months, maybe.

(Alan) But you do--you're combining your Reiki with golfing.

-I am.

-Which is a sort of energy, -healing... -Yes, Reiki means, um, it's the universal life force.

(Miriam) Oh, good, hello!

(Alan) And how does that relate to golf?

(Alan Scott) It relates to golf in the way that you can have a calm mind because at the end of the day, a lot of golfers will say that they golf to relax, but you actually relax to play golf.

You don't golf to relax.

(Alan) Ooh, let's go and do it right now.

-Okay, let's go.

-Let's do it.

(Alan Scott) Would you just like to lie down, Alan?

(Alan) Yes.

(tranquil music) (Alan Scott) Just work on your--on your head to start off with, then down to your heart and then down a bit.

Just ask you just to, um, relax.

♪ (Alan) I'm a firm believer in Reiki and its healing benefits.

♪ And whilst Miriam finds her own form of Zen, I'm keen to see what Alan's approach can do for my attitude when it comes to golf.

♪ I felt, like, all this rushing and, like, I felt like my body's almost out of control, and I felt like euphoric at one point.

It was super intense.

I loved it though.

It was intense, Miriam.

-Thank you.

-There you go.

(Alan) Now I feel at one with the universe, it's time to play golf.

(vibrant music) (Miriam) This I have to see.

♪ -Ooh.

-It is very Zen.

You have to get into a very... you and the ball, you and the ball.

♪ (laughing) -That was your head up.

-Yes.

-Your head was miles up there.

-Right.

(birds chirping) -Yay!

-Shut the ... up!

(laughing) Ooh, here, it's hit the tree.

That was very good.

-That was good.

-That was excellent.

You got a bit of a draw in that one as well.

-That really was excellent.

-Thanks, Miriam.

Well, after that brilliant shot, let's get up in the tee.

(Miriam) Seems I'm not getting out of this one.

-And now, Miriam, you're up.

-I'm up?

-Yeah.

-Do you want to swap sticks?

So I'll take that... -You take that.

-...and you can take this.

-I am so bad at all games.

-No, you've talked yourself out it before you've started.

Square up to the... -Square up.

-Stand with your feet together and slightly make them go apart so you're comfortable in both feet.

-My ... are in the way.

-Oh, no!

(laughing) I can't do anything about that.

(Miriam) It's--I'm too short.

-Some Reiki for your ... -Well, I'll tell you what, do you want just to try your stick first, then?

(Miriam) Okay.

-How do I--how do I-- -Just... (Alan) Oh, I think you should get that!

-That was in.

-It doesn't want to go in!

(Alan) I think you should get that because-- (Miriam) As the actress said to the bishop.

(Alan Scott) Try it one more time and I'll take the pin out.

(birds chirping) -Nailed it!

-There you go!

(laughing) (Alan) High five.

(Miriam) Wow!

(Alan) That was great.

(Miriam) Thank you for your instruction.

Who's the top lady golfer in the world?

(Alan Scott) Um...Nelly Korda.

(Miriam) Nelly, look out!

(laughter) (Alan) Eat me, Nelly Korda.

(lively music) Miriam and I are on the last leg of our travels around Scotland, in the coastal town of Monifieth, just north of Dundee.

Famous for golf, but more importantly, it has been home to my mum, Mary Darling, for the last 32 years.

♪ I love my mum, and I can't wait for Miriam to meet her.

♪ -What are we doing now?

-We're gonna go and see my mum.

(Miriam) Are we going to have a hot toddy?

(laughing) (Alan) Yeah.

Here we go.

♪ (doorbell ringing) (Miriam) Oh, she likes gardening.

(Alan) She loves... -Hi, Mum.

-Hello, hello, hello!

-How are you?

-Oh, fine, lovely to see you.

(Alan) With the hellos out of the way, we head back to Mum's garden.

(Miriam) Oh, someone's a gardener.

-Yeah, big time.

-Yes, I do enjoy the gardening.

-What's all this?

-Oh, we're coming to that.

(Miriam) Okay.

It's very nice to meet you.

The pleasure's all mine.

-Lovely.

-I feel I know you because I've been traveling with sir.

What was this one like as a child, as a little boy?

-My God.

-Well... -Be quiet.

-He was a livewire, that's for sure.

-Was he?

-Yes, he was a livewire.

He always had to be doing something or wanted to do this or wanted to do that.

-Busy?

-Yes, uh-huh.

(Miriam) Did he do recitations and songs and things?

-Oh, yes.

-He was a performer.

He was, uh-huh, if you said to him, you know, "What are you going to do when you leave the school?"

And he said then that he was going to be a star on the television.

(Alan) Every star has to start somewhere, and Mum has got some evidence of my contribution to Dundee's rich journalistic history.

I've seen that you've got some things from the... your archives, Mum.

-Mm-hmm.

-These are... -What is this?

-So before I went to drama school, I worked at this, um, publishing house in Dundee called DC Thomson's, and they made all these magazines, so I was a sub-editor on a magazine.

First of all, I worked in the fiction department, and I wrote the horoscopes for the Dundee Evening-- -How old were you?

-Uh, 16, and I wrote the horoscopes for the Dundee Evening Telegraph, but then I worked on some of these magazines, but they also did these photo stories, you know, these photo love stories, and so they'd get models, like... (laughing) I modeled.

That's me.

Look, I'm like 10 years old.

And, uh, I did all this modeling for these photo love stories.

It was my first introduction to acting for the camera.

"She was nice, though.

I could quite fancy her.

Pity we couldn't have met under different circumstances."

But my horse, you see, is kind of getting us together.

And I think we finally get together in the end.

-But I did loads of these.

-And you were 16?

(Alan) I was probably 17 then.

Maybe I was 17 then, 16 or 17, but I looked 12.

(Mary) It's girly magazines.

(Alan) Not girly, but like girls magazines.

"Girly magazines" means something else.

(Miriam laughs) You know, there was me, I had my own series, -Dance Yourself Dizzy!

-Look at that, the pose on that.

-Top of the page.

-Yes.

(Miriam) Mary, when you see Alan performing on the stage, and I'm assuming you often go when you can, what's it feel like?

(Mary) Well... a lot of pride, for a start, and I think the one that sticks most in my mind for everything that he's done was when I went out to America to see him in a comedy.

I never took my eyes off him.

I was just dumbstruck, really, you know, that he'd done so well and he worked hard.

That's my boy.

-That's it.

-Vim.

(frantic piano music) To round off a lovely day with my mum, the three of us are heading to the nearby Monikie Country Park to meet up with Mum's walking group, the Monifieth Amblers.

Hi, everybody.

(greetings, laughter) -Hello.

-This is Miriam.

♪ Monifieth Amblers, please pay attention.

We are here.

We are going to walk here.

We are going to walk down here.

We're going to come back here, and we're going to go here for a cup of tea.

-And how far is that?

-About 25 miles.

(laughter) Let's go.

Miriam, lead the way.

(birds chirping) -To the--to the right, Miriam.

-Uh-huh, to the right.

To the right!

(Alan) Come on, ladies!

(Miriam) Come on, fall in!

(laughter) I'm turning left now.

(Alan) To the left, ladies.

Mum has found the walking group is a great way to stay in touch with friends whilst getting out and about in nature.

(Miriam) The scooter helps me get out and about too, aside from the pesky crew getting in my way.

-Careful, Carlo.

-Yeah, get him out the way!

(Mary) You'll run him down!

(Miriam) Christ!

(Alan laughing) (Mary) Oh, dear God.

(quacking) (Miriam) I mean, this is what I think Scottish people have very, very close to them wherever they live, even in a big city, you have beauty within reach.

(Mary) I like the trees and the countryside and the water and everything, it's just... (Miriam) And you've got all that within easy reach.

(Mary) Yes, within very easy reach.

(Miriam) And I think that affects the way people think.

(Alan) Yeah.

Yeah, even in Glasgow, it's like 20 minutes, and you're in... -You're near Loch Lomond.

-Middle of nowhere, yeah.

(playful music) (Miriam) Does this feel like home, Alan?

(Alan) Oh, it totally feels like home.

Scotland will always be home for me.

♪ (birds chirping) (upbeat music) (Miriam) It's a new day, and we've started the journey south to Edinburgh.

It's breakfast time, so I've asked Alan to take a little diversion south to Cupar to drive me to a farm that grows my favorite vegetable.

I'll tell you what, I can see growing things here.

-Yes!

-Oh, look, they've got spring onions.

(Alan) Uh-oh.

(mellow music) (Miriam) I've always eaten a raw onion for breakfast.

Alan's been snootily turning his nose up at this habit for the entirety of our trip, but after today, he'll be as hooked as I am.

I've organized a special field trip with a veritable banquet of onions, as we say here in Scotland, straight from the ground.

We must ask if we can take, what Mummy used to call, "Can I have a sample, please?"

(door closes) Gosh, it must be lovely to have a farm.

-Hello.

-Hi, pleased to meet you.

-This is your farm?

-Yes, yes.

(Miriam) Euan Cameron's family have been farming here for 25 years.

They've poured a lifetime of passion into this 35-acre market garden, nurturing everything from blackcurrants to turnips, and, of course, onions.

-And do you have a wee shop on-- -Got a wee shop on the farm.

-I will be calling at that shop.

-Me too.

(Miriam) But we might try some samples first.

-Oh, you're more than welcome.

-Are those the onions there?

(Euan) Yeah, got some red onions and then some white onions and then some more red onions.

-That's what I'm interested in.

-And we did 3,500.

(Miriam) 'Cause I like to eat them raw, you see.

(Euan) All right.

(laughter) (Alan) My reaction too.

I'm maybe gonna give it a go, Miriam.

(Miriam) As long as they're washed.

You don't eat it off the ground.

(Alan) Of course, we're not savages.

Right, this is gonna blow your mind.

The botanical name for an onion is Allium cepa.

We made a tartan together called Aliam 'cause of Alan and Miriam.

I mean... -What are the chances?

-Fate.

That is fate.

(Alan) And--this is the bit I like-- we're moving on to the sexual benefit of onions, Miriam.

I took the cucumber out of my mouth at that moment.

(laughing) Comedy timing.

The onion can enhance testosterone level in males, and it can be-- it's been an aphrodisiac, increases libido and strengthens the reproductive organs.

Get eatin' your onions.

(Alan laughs) I do believe Alan's a convert.

Let's have a ... onion.

(Miriam) Well, okay, that's a bit much.

Oh, they come out easily.

-Look at that.

-That is lovely.

(Alan) Don't get too many of those to the pound.

-There we go.

-So, after a quick scrub, we're ready to eat, and breakfast is served.

It's time.

(lively music) Here we go.

Check this out, it's a platter.

And vegan cheese, real cheese.

Miriam likes cheese with her onion.

-May I take a bit of vegan?

-Yes.

'Cause I know you're the vegan man.

-And that's my onion?

-That's your onion.

Are you ready?

What, cheese first or onion first?

(Miriam) Well, I usually take a bite of cheese, and then I match it.

-Ready, Euan?

-Eh, go for it.

(crunching) (chewing) (crunching) (chewing) (crunching) I never thought I would do this.

It's actually not too bad, to be honest.

(Alan) Yeah.

I'm feeling my libido increase every second.

(crunching) It's full of flavor now.

I've got an explosion in my mouth.

(chuckling) Oh my God.

-No, I do.

-I know.

Just so many things I want to say.

Well, button up, lad.

(crunching) Too late for that.

(Miriam) Mmm.

(Alan) I am...

I'm pleasantly surprised about how enjoyable on a sensory level, a sensual level, and a taste level.

It's getting three thumbs up from me.

I'm slightly worried about... engaging with people later.

If I'm, you know, if I was wanting to make out with people... Well, get them to eat it.

(Alan) Just carry an onion with me constantly 'cause I want to make out with a stranger?

Is that what you're suggesting, Miriam?

(Miriam) You've got a husband.

(Alan) I was just talking hypothetically.

(Miriam) So, after that revelation, I think it's time to hit Euan's farm shop to see what else we can sink our teeth into.

Hang onto my onions.

(laughs) Lovely.

Bye, Euan, thanks a lot!

-Cheerio.

-See ya.

(engine rumbling) -Well, that was nice.

-What a darling.

-I liked Euan very much.

-I know, I really liked him.

-I had fun in the shop.

-Oh!

(Miriam) What do you think of that?

-Isn't that something?

-Don't threaten me with a good time.

(Miriam) It's knobbly.

-Again... -I haven't had a knobbly one.

That's unusual.

(laughing) (Alan) You need to get out more.

(Miriam) It's true, that's true.

(laughing) (mellow music) Alan and I are reaching the end of our journey driving around Scotland, traveling south through Fife and heading towards Edinburgh.

At 80, life's a bit more sedate for me now, but back in the day, I've had a bit of rough and tumble with some of Hollywood's finest.

I've only had to do one or two stunts, one with Schwarzenegger, actually.

-What did you do with him?

-I did a film called End of Days, and I had to have a fight with him.

But he was very gentlemanly about teaching me.

He showed me how to pull a punch, 'cause I never went to drama school, so I never knew all those things.

In the end, he killed me.

-Oh.

-He threw me to the ground and I sliced my neck on a glass table.

(laughing) Arnold won't be joining us today where we're heading, the HQ of the Forest Spirit Archers near Kirkcaldy, as we want to learn a new skill for our acting CVs: archery.

Teaching us today will be the current indoor and outdoor Scottish archery champion, Dennis Watson.

And while I'm mentally gearing up for it, Alan's put his hand up to go first.

(Alan) Do you want to put my bows in my quiver?

(Miriam) I don't mind doing that.

(Alan) Oh, Miriam.

Ooh!

-How did that feel?

-Very intimate.

(laughing) Archery has played a big part in the history of Scotland, from Bannockburn to Culloden, where expert Scottish archers were used in battle.

In the modern day, the Royal Company of Archers, or Queen's Bodyguard, is based in Edinburgh, and many of the world's best sporting archers come from Scotland, like Dennis.

Alan, Miriam, welcome to Forest Spirit Archers.

-Thanks, Dennis.

-So this is equipment we use.

Bow, arrow, a finger sling.

Of the same finger... Yeah, put your hand on the bow first, and then flip it around, yeah.

-Duh.

-The arrow goes in here, which is called the nocking point, then you lay it on the rest.

-Okay... -Oh, right.

This bodes well.

You should bring up to what we call T draw, nice high elbow, pull back so it's just under your eye.

-Here.

-Yes.

-Shoot.

-Wow!

-Look at that!

-It didn't do that before.

(laughter) (Miriam) Professional archers like Dennis take years to hone their skills.

It's time to see if Alan's got what it takes.

(playful music) (Dennis) Nice and relaxed.

The more you relax, the easier it'll be.

-Okay.

-Twist your body a little more.

(Dennis) Letting go.

(arrow fires, Alan gasps) (Miriam) That's nearly a bull's-eye!

(laughing) (Alan) Thanks, Maid Miriam.

(Miriam) Very near.

You're getting there.

-Oh, that's it.

-Ooh, did I get it in?

-It's in.

-I think you did.

I knew you would.

Thanks, Miriam, for believing in me.

I do.

(Alan) It's not a competition.

(Miriam) Clearly, Alan's got the makings of a Robin Hood.

But do I have what it takes to become Maid Marian?

(Alan) All right, young Miriam.

Here you go.

Body's to me.

-Body to you, head that way.

-That's it.

Up to your eye level.

That's pretty good.

-Where's my eye?

-No, that was good.

It's pretty good where she is, isn't she?

(Dennis) Yeah, don't let the string go.

-Yeah, careful, 'cause... -I wouldn't dream of it.

(Alan) You'll ping your eyelash-- your sunglasses off.

-That was pretty good.

-Well, good, thank you.

-So is that it?

-That's it as far as I'm concerned.

(Dennis) You pulled it very well.

(Alan) You got the costume and everything.

I know how to pull, love.

(laughter) (Alan) Oh my God.

(Miriam) After my change of heart, and with my list of stunt skills remaining firmly at zero, I realized it's hard to teach an old dog like me new tricks.

(Alan) I love archery.

It's quite sort of-- it's like a dance.

You've got to be very...controlled, and it's like a sort of choreography almost.

(Miriam) I'm embarrassed when I fail spectacularly.

I know that I should be braver about things that I'm not used to doing, but I just... (Alan) You strike me as a very courageous, ballsy person.

(Miriam) I don't like people to see that I'm worried or nervous.

(Alan) Right, right.

(Miriam) Um, because it makes me feel inadequate.

(Alan) So it's another thing about not wanting to do something that you don't excel at.

(Miriam) Probably.

I think that is true.

I think that is... that's something about me, something fascinating.

(laughing) However, I was quite good at hockey because you can hit people, which I love.

(laughing) (Alan) God, this is terrible.

(vigorous music) (Miriam) It's the start of the penultimate day of our travels, and we're driving south to the borders before we make it to Edinburgh.

(Alan) Are you ready for a roundabout, Miriam?

(Miriam) A roundabout with you?

-Yes.

-Yes.

(Alan) I love a roundabout.

(Miriam) Something Americans hate, a roundabout.

Well, they just have never taken to roundabouts.

That and proper tea, teapots.

They've never taken to them.

(spirited piano music) Today I'm driving Miriam to a place on the banks of the River Tweed in the stunning Scottish borders that I hope will blow her beautiful mind.

I've got something special for you today, young Miriam.

-Go on.

-Well, this place I'm taking you to is like what I think is my dream Scottish retreat, and it's the home of Sir Walter Scott, that he built himself, Abbotsford.

But it's so sort of camp and it's so sort of a confection because he actually had theatre, set designers help him make it, so it's a complete sort of facade.

-I'm interested.

-Yeah, it's up our street.

It's theatrical in its very nature.

(vibrant music) Sir Walter Scott was a historical novelist and playwright.

As the author of popular novels like Ivanhoe, he made a fortune which he lavished on his opulent palace, Abbotsford.

I've always imagined myself living there, and whilst I can't buy my dream home, I have an idea of how Miriam and I can capture its spirit.

Also--here we are, we're nearly arriving-- what we're going to do is emulate a painting, a famous painting of Scott and people at Abbotsford here by David Wilkie.

My friend Tommy who's a photographer is coming up... -You mean, sit in the same... -Yeah, we're all gonna dress up, but you're going to play Sir Walter Scott and I'm going to play a lady.

(Miriam laughs) (harrowing music) Abbotsford was a mere farmhouse when Scott bought it in 1811, but as his success and wealth grew, he expanded it greatly.

Borrowing highly decorative and downright wacky styles from all over Europe, the architects and designers were able to evolve Abbotsford into something truly unique, and so began the fashion for Scott's Baronial architecture.

♪ (Miriam laughs) -It's cheeky.

-It is, isn't it?

It's sort of like Michael Jackson's Neverland, like a confection, an utter confection of something like old medieval knights.

-He had a vision.

-Yes, he had a dream.

Little turrets up there with the--for arrows to come out.

There's no bloody arrows coming out of them.

(Miriam) Look at the one on the end with the little curly wig on top.

-I know.

-Curly wig is a very unusual architectural term.

(Alan) It is, like what was the thing on the end of your stick?

(Miriam) A ferrule.

-That's a real thing, a ferrule.

-A ferrule.

-A curly wig I just made up.

-Oh, you did?

(laughing) You rotter.

(energetic horn music) What I really want to show Miriam is the interior because Abbotsford is bursting at the seams with all sorts of crazy knickknacks covering every surface, floor to ceiling.

(Miriam) Oh my goodness, it's over the top.

(Alan) I know, like Camporama.

Isn't this a riot, though?

(Miriam) It's absurd!

-But it's wonderful.

-Yeah.

And this suit of armor is what inspired him to write Ivanhoe.

Ivanhoe is one of the books that sold gazillions and helped him pay for this gorgeous place.

It doesn't look massively comfortable.

(Alan) No.

However, Scott lost everything when his publishing house went bankrupt, but he was able to keep Abbotsford by declaring, "My right hand will earn the money back."

This is where he wrote.

See here.

This is where it all happened.

(Miriam) That was where he sat and wrote?

(Alan) That very chair.

-My goodness.

-And then these books are all sort of his reference, like his Wikipedia for all his research for his books.

-And this... -Oh, I like it.

(Alan) ...will blow your ... off.

-Oh my goodness.

-Isn't it great?

(Miriam) Look at the ceiling.

(Alan) The thing about this ceiling, Miriam, get this: Wooden, intricately carved ceiling, right?

Wrong!

It's all plaster.

Theater set designers helped him do this.

That's all plaster.

It's all--it's all smoke and mirrors.

-Isn't that great?

-Brilliant.

Who's this camp (indistinct)?

-Look at that posture.

-I know, look.

"Check me out, hello."

That's Walter Scott's son, 'cause Walter Scott, you know, he had, um, he had polio when he was a little boy, so he had a funny leg, and so he couldn't sort of fulfill his military fancies, but his son did, and so he kind of glorified him.

Everything about this place is camp, camp, camp.

We end our tour in the room where Sir Walter ate his meals and also where he met his maker.

So this is obviously the dining room, but he died in this room.

So he had his bed here so he could hear the River Tweed.

(Miriam) Well, I think it's a wonderful room.

-Isn't it nice?

-It's glorious.

(Alan) There goes Tommy setting up for our picture.

(playful music) I've asked my friend and award-winning photographer Tommy Ga-Ken Wan to help recreate this special family portrait called The Abbotsford Family as a memento of the time Miriam and I have spent together.

♪ Today we're going to restage it for Tommy's camera.

♪ So, Miriam, this is Tommy.

-Hi, Miriam.

-Well, hello.

(Alan) He's gonna recreate this picture in a photograph.

That's Walter Scott sitting there in the middle, that's his wife Charlotte with the sort of bucket on her head.

(Miriam laughs) -I love that!

-Isn't that great?

It's a beautiful painting.

It was--it was done actually here at Abbotsford.

(Miriam) He's really being the squire, isn't he, with his... laying out his family.

(Tommy) Okay, are we ready?

(Alan) I'm always ready and have given Miriam the starring role of Scott so I can slip into something more comfortable and be his wife.

Hope this fits, 'cause it's got-- what do you call that?

The way this...comes down just below the boobs.

(Miriam) Oh, it's slips on a treat, dear.

Oh, look at your little... what would you call that?

This was not in my wardrobe, I would like to... Oh, go on.

How's that?

Lady Charlotte to a T. So that's me.

Now here, I think this is a better hat.

Oh, right.

-More... -Okay.

(Alan) Let's chuck it over there for a minute.

(Tommy) Okay, and now we're just, uh, looking for some more people?

(Alan) Need some more.

Come on, girls, in you come.

(bright music) And since Sir Walter's picture included his family and friends, I've roped in my TV family who've been with us for the whole trip to make up the numbers.

♪ Oh, wait.

One last touch.

-Oh, lovely.

-The Aliam tartan, the official tartan of this show.

Maybe it should be draped across you.

All right, everybody.

-Pause.

-Okay.

(camera clicking) And last couple.

(camera clicking) And beautiful.

-Well done, everyone.

-Yay, bravo, everybody.

(Miriam) Bravo.

Thank you, Tom.

(cheery music) (Alan) Nearing the end of our time on the road, Miriam and I are driving into our final destination, the beautiful capital city of Scotland, Edinburgh.

After our day making memories in Abbotsford, we need to find a place to relax.

♪ (Miriam) Edinburgh's always had a vibrant LGBTQ+ scene full of bars and clubs, offering people places to be safe and have fun.

(Alan) But the place we're visiting tonight is a different sort of safe space.

Kafe Kweer doesn't serve any alcohol, so the cafe's owner, Oskar Hansen, and his flatmate, Evie, have put the kettle on for us queer folk.

(Oskar) I saw a post on Facebook that said that a little shop here in Bruntsfield in Edinburgh was looking for new management, for someone to take it over and do something gorgeous with it.

I shared the post on Facebook and said, "Oh, wouldn't it be nice if we had a sober queer cafe?"

Then my friend Zak commented saying, "Should we do it?"

And we just sort of went for it, essentially, and were just like inundated with messages from people saying, "This is exactly what I want," and especially people saying, you know, maybe like, "I have a 15-year-old daughter who's realizing that she's lesbian, and she really wants a space to see other queer people," and also from older queer people who were like, "I don't want to be sat in the pub with Kylie Minogue screaming in my ear, you know, I just want to sit down and meet my queer friends and have a coffee."

(Alan) That's lovely.

(Miriam) I can't deny that Kafe Kweer is much needed, even if I'm not yet sure it's my cup of tea.

I'm just interested that gay people want to be with each other, because... (laughter) -Tell me about it.

-...I don't really want to be with lots of gay people, you know.

I mean, I want to be with the ones I want to be with, but just to be gay, for me, isn't enough.

I want a bit more than that.

(Alan) I think what you're saying is there's something about the ghettoizing of a queer-only environment that rubs you up the wrong way?

(Miriam) Yes, that's what I'm trying to say.

(Alan) I hear you, but also at the same time, I think it's really important for people to know -that they have a place to go... -And I agree with that too.

(Oskar) I think it's more just the fact of it being a space that is very openly queer where you can say, "Okay, I can come in here with whoever it is that I know," you know, and just relax.

(Miriam) No, that is terrific, because in those days when I was little, you didn't have that possibility.

(Alan) Did you even have shops then?

(Miriam) Charming!

I found it very difficult to tell my parents about my sexuality, unlike Evie.

(Evie) I never had to come out to them.

I just started bringing women back occasionally, and they got the idea.

(Miriam) Because my parents were quite the opposite, you see.

I had to swear on the Bible that I would never sleep with a woman again.

(Alan) What?

You never told me that.

-Well, you didn't ask me.

-True, but what happened?

How did they find out first of all?

(Miriam) Well, I told Mummy, and Mummy told Daddy, and he had a fit.

-And what did you say?

-And he was a doctor.

(Alan) But did you say, "I'm a lesbian"?

(Miriam) Of course I did, well, I mean, I don't know if I actually used that word because I didn't know that I was then.

(Alan) What did you say, you like women?

(Miriam) I said I've... -I've slept with a woman.

-Oh.

(Miriam) And it was shocking to my parents, absolutely devastating, and it troubles me that I hurt them, and that's where I often have arguments with other queer people because I don't think that necessarily you have to tell your parents or people close to you if they can't handle it.

It depends.

You can tell it to people who can handle it, of course.

(Alan) So, back to the Bible, I'm just trying to work out when, like, was this immediately after-- (Miriam) Well, yes, I mean, the next day.

(Alan) He said, "Swear on the Bible," and did you swear?

(Miriam) I did.

However, I did the equivalent in my head of holding my hand behind my back and crossing my fingers, because I knew that I would not be able to keep to the promise that he wanted me to make.

My experience is one I'll always carry with me, but I'm glad that there are places like this now where people can truly relax and be themselves.

We are three generations of queerness, because I'm 80, you're 56, I don't know how old you are.

-26 and 26.

-26.

-26.

-Well, they're babies.

I'm just going to fart.

Wait a minute.

I was...

There we go.

(laughter) (playful music) (mellow music) It's our final day together, and I've asked Alan to bring us to the village of Cramond, just a few miles northwest of Edinburgh, on the banks of the River Forth.

(Alan) It's the perfect place to sit back and reflect on an amazing journey together.

♪ I love this place.

-Why's that?

-I just think that it's the peace and the beauty and the Scottishness of it.

(Alan) And things don't come much more over-the-top Scottish than Abbotsford House.

We have many things that we've picked up on this trip, many sort of items that we'll have on our shelves, but look at this one.

(Miriam) Oh my goodness!

(Alan laughing) (Alan) Isn't that hilarious?

(Miriam) And look how lovely the tartan looks.

-The Aliam tartan... -And it fits in with my dress, which just covers my knickers.

-Just.

-I'm so thrilled by that.

-That doggy.

-Thank you very much.

That's a wonderful-- that's a wonderful memory.

(Alan) I've got a wee one.

(Miriam) I never heard you say that before!

(laughing) Quite the--quite the reverse.

Well, you know, no complaints so far, Miriam.

Such a nice little memento.

Also such a bonkers image.

It's so nuts, like, what did you do at school this week?

It's been nice to have been able to show each other things that are special to us and people, people who are special to us.

(Miriam) Well, that's why, I mean, Scotland is my inheritance from my dad.

(Alan) I think the interesting thing about this whole trip, these three weeks, has been, like, discovering places that you-- rediscovering places that you love, but also discovering new things.

Well, I introduced you to onions.

-I mean, yes, I guess you have.

-You knew they were there.

(Alan) I have had onions in my life, but I've never eaten one like that.

(Miriam) You've never bitten into a raw one.

(Alan) And I was very skeptical and slightly judgy at the start of this trip.

I felt like an outsider in my own country.

But actually, these three weeks have shown me I'm not an outsider.

I felt completely at home, and I felt completely connected.

And you feel joy when you're here.

It's--it's glorious, it's beautiful.

All those things you said are absolutely...

I totally agree with that.

And the people we were lucky enough to come across, they were...delicious in every way.

Yeah, really loved these three weeks with you and to get to know you better and also just how game you are.

You know, you have a lust for life.

We have something--we're lucky to have Scotland in our lives.

(grand music) ♪ (bright music)