-Alan Cumming and I are on the final leg of our epic road trip, which some might say is just as well.

-I mean, I have worn a harness in my life.

-Oh, my goodness.

-I think you look like Sophia Loren.

[ Laughs ] To round off the journey, Ms. Margolyes and I will be starting where we left off, LA, before heading cross country to Las Vegas.

So prepare for dog therapy, deserts, and Dolly Parton.

-This is the end of the road trip.

-This is the last day.

-Yeah.

-Friends for life.

♪ -LA is obsessed with mind, body, and soul.

Everywhere you look, people are improving their well-being.

And after weeks on the road, I think one of us could do with a little me time.

I think it's hilarious that we're going to a spa for Lala.

I think it's nuts.

It smacks of absurdity.

♪ -In America, therapy is a very common thing.

In Britain, we are kind of a little more skeptical, and people deal with things in different ways.

I wonder how Lala will take to it, actually.

She's very sensitive.

Six years ago, I rescued Lala from the beaches of Costa Rica, and ever since, she has been my constant comfort and companion.

And on this trip, she's been the silent and very patient star of the show, so she deserves a little treat, LA-style.

-You are going to be exposed to joys you have never expected.

Love.

Urban dog retreat.

There you are.

-Here we are.

-Urban dog.

-We've arrived, Lala.

Are you excited?

-Do they do old bitches, as well?

[ Both laugh ] -They'll make an exception.

Are you ready?

It's so exciting.

Right.

I've always been open to alternative therapies.

However, I think Miriam is going to be a tougher nut to crack.

-Holistic care for dogs.

-[ Chuckles ] -Welcome.

-Hi.

-Sorry, we didn't mean to surprise you.

-I'm Alan.

-Nice to meet you.

I'm Lindsey.

-Hello, Lindsey.

-And this is Victorious.

-Victorious?

Hello.

-Hi.

-Nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you.

So we're gonna show you around a little bit.

-Okay.

-Lindsey and Victorious opened their doggie oasis in 2018 to help pets and their owners address the challenges of modern life.

-Technology has definitely, you know, played a big role in why everybody is kind of -- -Jangled.

-Yeah.

-We see that when people put their phones away and they're sitting down with their dogs, because they think they're spending time with them at home, but they're on their phone or their computer.

They're watching TV.

They think they're spending time with them in all of these situations.

-The focus isn't there.

-We do find that when they're sitting down, their dog will exhale, they'll exhale.

Then their dog gets excited and says, "Oh, they're exhaling."

-It's time for Lala's first treatment in the Forest Room.

But I feel Alan's forgotten the purpose of our visit.

-I feel like I'm in a '70s porn film.

-Well, don't get carried away because I'm not in a '70s porn film.

-And this is Crystal.

She's gonna do the sound therapy.

-Hi, everybody.

-Hi, Crystal.

Hello.

Nice to meet you.

-Hello.

-This is Lala.

-Hi.

Hello, Lala.

Hello, sweetie.

-Welcome to the world of sound therapy for dogs.

Only in La La Land.

[ Tones playing ] -So, sound baths are a combination of science and energy work, so it takes your brainwaves from the beta fight-or-flight state into a theta calm, meditative wave.

[ Tones continue ] What about her...her diet?

Does she have a sensitive diet?

-She does.

A week after we got her, she had to go to the hospital and have some of her spleen... -Wow.

-...and 10 inches of her intestine removed.

-This is healing her.

She's feeling that in those significant areas of her body, and she's feeling relaxed in that area.

So solar plexus healing.

[ Tones playing ] -Whatever you may think, Miriam, Lala seems to be loving it.

Can I have a go?

-Yes.

Go strong.

Hit it strong, and then swing it.

[ Laughs ] -I love it.

-Yeah.

-Oh, I know.

Did you like that?

-Well, she's liked it.

-She's loved it.

Yeah.

♪ Lala's last treatment this afternoon is with Kelly, who specializes in Reiki.

-So, animal Reiki is a healing method to connect with our animals.

-She's smelling my socks right now.

Lala, come here.

-That's fine, and whatever she does is perfect in the session.

-Well, Lala might not be fully cooperating, but Alan, as ever, has really taken to it.

-And as you breathe in, just see the light moving.

And then we invite Lala into this space.

This time is dedicated to Lala.

How was your experience?

-Great.

I feel very calm.

Lala's obviously very calm.

-Mm-hmm.

Miriam, how are you doing?

-Not my thing.

-Not your thing.

-No.

-And is this something that you feel that you can do at home?

-She is my emotional support animal.

When I first got her, I was here in LA for a month making a film, and we really bonded.

And I sort of said -- I mean, I sort of said to her, you know, "I'm gonna totally look after you.

You're safe.

You'll always have a lovely time, but you've got to kind of go with the flow.

It's gonna be a bit nuts."

And nothing could be more nuts than being on the road with Miriam and I.

-Thank you so much.

-Thank you.

It was a lovely, lovely morning.

-Very nice to meet you.

-Very nice to meet you all.

-Yes, a real pleasure.

-Take care.

-Thank you.

-Bye.

-Take care.

-Bye.

Oh, Alan.

-[ Laughs ] -Well, I like the people.

-They're so nice.

But, Miriam, have I convinced you about dog spas?

-No.

I think what they're doing is terrific.

-Yeah.

-They're helping dogs and I think probably calming owners down, which is a very good thing, and I like them as people.

-Yeah.

-But... -But you think they're barking.

See what I did there?

-Literally barking.

Very good.

-The most important thing is it was for Lala, and she loved it.

♪ After our doggie spa session, we're up bright and early, as I have a special date to keep.

♪ What a lovely day!

-Oh, it's lovely, isn't it?

♪ -We're driving through the glamorous Hollywood Hills to pick up one of the most important people in my life.

♪ Do you know who's joining us for this picnic?

-Of course I do.

-[ Laughs ] Who?

-I'm looking forward to seeing her again.

I didn't know that she was your intended all those years ago, because when I knew her, she was with somebody -- -[ Clears throat ] -...somebody else.

-Saffron Burrows, a wonderful actress you may know from movies like "Deep Blue Sea," "Troy," "Circle of Friends," but she played an even more important role in my life.

Back in the '90s, we dated for two years.

Do you know what Saffron and I call each other?

-How would I know?

Tell me.

-FF.

-And that's for...?

-Former fiancée.

The papers always say, "Cumming met up with former fiancée Saffron Burrows.

Blah, blah, blah."

Oh, you know, the sort of Daily Mail of it all, and so we just kept calling each other FF for short.

-[ Laughs ] I love it.

-Today, I'm married to Grant, and Saffron has a girlfriend, but we have remained like family.

And here we have Saffron Burrows.

-Hello.

-Oh [bleep] sake.

-FF.

I love you.

How are you?

-You're just as beautiful as ever.

I remember you.

-God, like maybe 10 years ago?

-And you still sound English.

-Well, I hope so.

♪ -We're off for a picnic in a peaceful spot above the city.

-If we get there in one piece.

[ Tires screech ] -Oh, my God.

[Bleep] Jesus Christ.

-What happened?

-What happened there?

-Man just came out and cut me -- You are an -- [ Horn honks ] -Wow.

That was a close shave.

-[Bleep] you.

It's so lovely to have a little trip down memory lane.

That's the DG.

That's where I went to -- when I went to a premiere in my pajamas by accident.

♪ Oi, geezy peeps.

[ Horn honks ] Oh, come on.

So here we are.

I don't know.

For some reason, I like this parking entrance.

Isn't that tragic?

That's another tragic LA thing.

[ American accent ] My favorite parking entrance for the Virgin record store.

-I think Saffron might regret not taking a taxi.

-And -- what?

-[Bleep] off!

[Bleep] [Bleep] -What are you doing here?

-Get out of it, you [bleep] ♪ That's the way to speak to them.

-It is.

-[ Laughs ] -He looks traumatized, that boy.

-Good.

Well, he was driving dangerously and selfishly.

-[ Laughs ] -And here we are, our final destination -- a perfect place for a picnic and relax.

Until Miriam starts with a grilling, that is.

-Were you gay when I first met you?

-You are something.

My mum taught me I could love whoever I wanted to love.

At the time, I just thought, "There's a lovely person.

I'll fall in love with them."

But it's not all been plain sailing.

When I was in my 30s, making films and sometimes playing the leading role, I knew that it wouldn't happen if I was open.

-It's too judgmental, LA, for me.

It's too competitive.

-It's quite oppressive to not declare your love.

-It invites speculation, as well.

-It's quite oppressive.

I still, if I love someone, I want to declare it.

The last time I saw you, you literally said to me by the buffet, "Who are you [bleep] at the moment?"

And that was it.

-I'm so sorry.

That's awful.

-That was our conversation.

No, it was kind of fantastic and exhilarating and not dull at all.

-Who were you?

-I don't know, but -- -Oh, it could have been anyone.

-[ Laughs ] -All your talk about different women and men and all this, I find that really quite strange.

-[ Laughs ] -Here's when we came out in public.

-Oh, my gosh.

-This is the premiere of the film, "Circle of Friends," we were in, and we decided we would kiss for the cameras and get it out of the way.

That's Saffron touching my... manly parts.

-Well, you found them.

[ Both laugh ] Did you live together?

-Yeah.

-Mm-hmm.

-We lived together.

We were engaged.

-How long?

-We were together about two years.

-Oh, we were sweet.

-Oh, goodness.

-Alan got a bike and decided that he'd go to things in the way he would in London, and then you'd get there an hour late and sweaty and just -- -Rancid sweat, and it was awful, awful.

That was a really bad decision.

-You had a relationship of one sort, but in the end, you morphed into friendship.

-Yeah, pretty quickly in the big picture.

I mean, pretty quickly.

And I think when we split up, we always hoped that we would be in each other's lives, but it was just it wasn't gonna work out that way.

We had a lot of living to do.

-We had lots of adventures to have, didn't we?

-Yeah.

I mean, I really love you, but I really love the thing we have.

And I feel like we've got each other's backs in a way that I know I can ask you at any time for anything, you know.

It's a really -- -I think that's wonderful.

-Yeah.

-That's more than a [bleep] isn't it?

This is the worst picnic I've ever seen.

-What?

What are you talking about?

It's almost time to wave goodbye to LA and to Saff, but first, a wee gift.

So, you know, when we were here, living here, we used to get "EastEnders," the two of us, and my friend Susie used to tape it.

We would get the video tape and then hungrily watch the omnibus of "EastEnders," and we just loved it.

I remember we used to do... -Pat Butcher.

-Pat Butcher.

[ Deep voice ] Janine, you're having a party.

You're having a party, Janine.

[ High-pitched voice ] I don't want a party, Mum.

[ Deep voice ] You're having a party.

-Who's that?

-Pat Butcher.

-This is Pat Butcher.

-Oh, my God.

Pat Butcher.

-Oh, Pam St. Clement.

-Yeah.

You know her?

-She's a friend of mine.

-And this is for you, Saffron Burrows, to commemorate our... -Pat Butcher.

-...our relationship.

-That is brilliant.

-Sadly, we must say our farewells to Saffron and Pat, as it's time to leave the California coast and head inland, swapping sea views and lush greenery for the barren desert en route to our final destination of Las Vegas.

-It's a four-hour drive in a straight line, so a perfect moment for Miriam and I to really open up and share what is truly important to us.

-"Location, Location, Location."

-Oh, I've seen that.

It's the boat and -- -"Homes Under the Hammer."

I love "Homes Under the Hammer."

-Do you know what I like?

"Come Dine with Me."

Do you know that?

-Why do you watch that?

-Why do you watch "Location, Location, Location"?

-Because I'm interested in houses.

-I'm interested in sociology and looking at people behaving appallingly.

-Sociology?

-Isn't that sociology?

-You don't call that sociology.

That's bullocks.

Talking over prawn cocktails -- -I'm talking about the way that people interact -- the way that people interact with each other.

-But you don't see that for real on television.

-Yes, you do.

You see them having dinner.

You see them having dinner with each other.

-But it's television.

It's not real.

-So I would just like to say, "Location, Location, Location" is also television.

-It's not for me, dear.

-[ Laughs ] -You enjoy your program.

There's no harm in it.

-You stick to your "Location, Location, Location."

We'll agree to disagree.

-Well, that's what we do on this, isn't it?

-Yes.

-And it's nice.

-It's our brand.

Thankfully, after 270 miles, our destination is in sight.

Oh, look, I see Vegas.

-Where?

-In the distance.

Woo-hoo!

♪ -I hope I don't get addicted to gambling.

That's the thing that frightens me.

-I'm gonna take you -- if I have to take you out of here with, like, a team of security people, I'm going to.

-[ Laughs ] -If I have to manhandle you to the airport.

-[ Laughs ] -Our last stop, and gonna gamble a wee bit, we're gonna see some shows, and... we're gonna get married.

-We're gonna get married?!

-We're gonna get friend married.

-You must be out of your [bleep] mind.

-We're gonna get friend married.

It's like a thing to do if you don't want to get married, like if you don't have a partner.

-I am married.

-Me, too, but we're getting married as friends.

It's camp and it's hilarious.

-Oh, well, if it's camp, it's alright.

-We'll be wasted.

-I don't mind if it's camp.

-It'll be like Britney Spears, you know, when she got married to her friend for like 24 hours.

-Britney Spears?

-Yeah, she got married in -- -I don't want to be like Britney Spears.

Darling, she doesn't want to be like Miriam Margolyes, I'll bet.

♪ -Las Vegas.

Now, most people come to the Strip, lined with super casinos that are more like theme parks, but Miriam is a classy lady, so I'm taking us to the old town, the original Vegas that began in the 1940s age of glamour and one of the only surviving family-run casinos of that bygone era, the El Cortez.

It has quite the history.

It opened back in 1941 and proved such a hit that just a few years later, it was snapped up by the infamous Jewish mobster Bugsy Siegel, the man who turned the dusty desert city of Las Vegas into the gambling capital of America.

No peeing in the fountains of any of these hotels in Las Vegas, okay?

-[ Laughs ] -For all her concerns about gambling, Miriam is wasting no time in hitting the tables.

♪ -Hello.

Darling, I don't know what I'm doing.

You're gonna have to teach me.

Blackjack.

-Blackjack.

-Who was he?

I'm a bit of a virgin, you know.

Only a bit of a virgin, but you're gonna have to explain.

Well, are you with me or against me?

-I'm against you.

-Oh, well, I'm not playing, then.

-Well, hello!

-Hello.

-Mr. Cumming, how are you?

Nice seeing you.

-Hello.

-I'm Miriam.

Nice to meet you.

-I'm Kenny Epstein.

I'm the old guy who owns this place.

-Kenny was born and raised around casinos and is a bit of a Vegas legend.

-Kenny, you've been in Vegas a long time.

-This place here is what Las Vegas used to be like.

-This is old school.

-Old school.

-Small.

We only have 363 rooms.

We're a time warp.

We're a time warp.

-You want to keep it like that.

-Absolutely, because all these other places that were here that started Las Vegas, they're all ripped down.

The first mob that came here was the fellow that bought this place, Bugsy Siegel, Meyer Lansky.

-Bugsy Siegel.

-Yeah.

-And Meyer Lansky.

-Yeah.

-And they were both Jewish.

-Yeah.

-Jewish mobsters.

-They were.

-They were members of a club called Murder, Inc. -[ Laughs ] That's some club.

-Oh, was a hell of a club.

-I do fear Kenny may have mistaken us for high rollers who know what we're doing.

Now, you were trying to give me this.

-Put it in the center anywhere you want.

-Yeah.

There you are.

-Okay.

-Those are $25 chips.

Make a $50 bet.

-Not like me to do that.

-And then give her one card.

Uh-oh.

Not too good.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh.

-20.

-You win them both.

-We lost.

-Yes.

-You're on to a good thing here.

-Yes.

-But in for a penny, as they say.

Here's another $50.

-Okay.

-I need a cigar.

Ooh, look!

-You got blackjack.

-I got blackjack.

-I needed a card, please.

-Yes.

-Oh!

-21!

You can't lose.

-Because you've got 21 and she only got 19.

-So you only got 19.

-Yeah, I have 19.

-But I got 21, so [bleep] you.

-Yes.

Okay.

[ Laughter ] -I could get a taste for this.

I'll raise you another 50.

-Let's do that.

-Oh!

16, 17.

All of you win again.

-I'll leave that, and I'll raise you another... -This girl's a player.

-She is.

She's a high roller.

Drop it there.

Oh!

Look at you.

You're off.

-And you're lost.

-You took the whole [bleep] lot.

-Yeah, well, yeah, that's what you bet.

♪ -I want to know about the cheat people, the people who try to cheat you.

-People come in with counterfeit bills.

Not too much.

Most of the cheating is on slot machines.

-Is it?

-Yeah.

-How can you cheat a slot machine?

-Well, they put slugs in the machines.

-Slugs?

-Yeah, they put coins, phony coins.

Technology stopped all that, so it's pretty good.

-Is there a room somewhere upstairs with people looking at screens, checking everything?

-Absolutely.

-Okay, let's have another go.

-Have another round.

Steady on, Miriam.

-I'll put down $100.

I'm beginning to get the hang of this.

-One, Miriam.

-Okay, one more go.

♪ -Blackjack!

-Blackjack.

♪ Oh, he wins again.

♪ -I never will understand this.

Kenny's a pro, and he knows when it's time to leave the table... -Thank you.

-...unlike us.

-Should we put it all in?

-All in, yeah.

-All in.

♪ Oh, I won!

♪ -How much did he win?

-$700.

-Brilliant.

-That'll buy you a few matzo ball soups.

-It will.

♪ Well, it's been quite the introduction to Old Vegas for me, but I think it may be wise to quit while Alan's ahead.

-Oh, Miriam, our night is not over yet.

I've performed in Vegas a number of times, but for me, my most memorable moments have always been after hours when the city really comes alive.

So I'm dragging Miriam out of the hotel for a night on the tiles.

She really has no idea what's in store.

-[ American accent ] I'm just a little country girl.

-[ Southern accent ] Oh, honey child.

-I'm just innocent.

♪ [ Normal voice ] [ Yawns ] I'm a sleepy girl.

You're taking me out to see something, and it'll probably wake me up.

-I think this will wake you up if my suspicions are correct.

♪ We're heading to Fremont Street.

This is the heart of old Vegas.

Before the super casinos sprung up along the strip, this was where the real fun was to be had.

So I'm taking you down to the hip... edgy...hipster central, old-school, retro end of Las Vegas.

-Oh, dear.

-[ Laughs ] -Don't frighten me, please.

♪ -We're going to a variety show.

This lady called Amy invited us.

She's a sword swallower.

-What?

-She swallows swords.

-Blimey.

-Yeah.

So it sounds to me that it will be a little edgy cabaret, which I'm all about.

I just love cabaret.

My role as the emcee in the musical "Cabaret" was not just a turning point in my career.

It inspired me to open my very own speakeasy in New York City five years ago, a place where every night, avant garde performers are center stage.

And I just can't wait for Miriam to get her first taste.

♪ -Discopussy.

-Don't you speak to me like that.

Dearie me.

I think I've lived quite a sheltered existence, but I'm trusting Alan to take good care of me.

-Don't you worry, Miriam.

You're in very experienced hands.

Here we are, the perfectly named Cheapshot.

Amy Saunders started out sword swallowing in the bars of London's West End 25 years ago and has gone on to break Guinness Records and even win an Olivier for her skills.

She came to Vegas five years ago and has taken the cabaret circuit by storm as the deliciously named Miss Behave.

-Well, darlings, welcome.

Right this way.

-Thank you very much.

-We'll take you to your seats at this moment.

-This is plush.

-It is, isn't it?

Especially for downtown Vegas, darling.

♪ -You're the madame.

-I am the madame.

I am the maitre de madame, exactly, of this lovely little space.

-It's so beautiful.

-Yeah.

-I love red velvet.

-This is what Vegas is supposed to be.

So for me, this is perfect, as it should be.

There should be like 20 more of these.

-And this downtown area has sort of been revitalized over the last, what, decade or something, isn't it?

-Yes.

-It's much more sort of fun and sort of hip kind of -- -It is, but it's interesting because you've kind of got those two sides again, similar to every city that gets gentrified.

So you've got the other side of here is very bougie, "Mmm, that's a good coffee," and this side is still the Fremont Street experience, which if you have not witnessed it, just the people-watching here is every man and his dog in the bottom-feeding area of life.

And it is wonderful.

-And you do a variety show here.

-Yes.

-Like, I sense it's not, like, an old-fashioned... -Well, it's a variety show and it's a classic variety show.

I've been doing variety shows for years, like, around the world, and for me -- -Have you?

-Yes, yes, yes.

I've done a bunch in the Roundhouse in London, was with La Clique and La Soiree, so, like, the high-end stuff I love.

But I've always liked the gritty, as well, and I'm as sort of subversive and downtown-y as you can get.

So I've always thought that marriage is perfect.

Every good cabaret and variety show I've ever seen, that marriage is perfect, and that classic remains for me.

So I was like, "That's not here."

-And you're a sword swallower.

-I am, yes.

-What are you?

-A sword swallower.

Yeah.

-A sword swallower.

-Mm-hmm.

My mother is so proud.

[ Laughter ] I've been swallowing swords for a very long time.

That's part of the reason -- the voice.

-Is it dangerous?

-It is, yes.

Doctors tell medical students to treat the esophagus like a wet tissue, and I'm passing a sword.

Now, that sword is, you know, not sharp, but a butter knife is sharp for your insides.

So, yeah, it is dangerous.

It's more dangerous than [bleep] -[ Laughs ] -Well, we don't know that.

-Well, we don't know.

I would dispute that.

-Darlings, I've got to go get ready for the show.

A lovely time.

-How wonderful.

-And we'll see you out here.

-Lovely to talk to you.

-Enjoy.

Lovely to talk to you.

-I think it's gonna be racy.

Just like a Jackie Collins novel.

-Oh, I hope it will be a bit higher class than that.

-The best way I can describe what is about to happen to you is strap the [bleep] in.

[ Cheers and applause ] -Sit back, Miriam, and enjoy.

[ Cheers and applause continue ] ♪ ♪ -Blimey O'Riley.

[ Cheers and applause ] -And that's just the first course.

-Direct from downtown New York to downtown Las Vegas, please welcome the legendary Evil Hate Monkey!

[ Cheers and applause ] [ Classical music plays ] -Oh, goody.

Now, ballet is something I really do enjoy.

[ Cheers and applause continue ] [ Rock music plays ] Although this isn't exactly "The Nutcracker."

-Depends on where you're sitting, Miriam.

♪ ♪ -I've never seen anything like this.

-Welcome to the cabaret, Miriam.

[ Cheers and applause continue ] -Darlings, now feels like a great time to ask if you've enjoyed the show.

-Bravo!

[ Cheers and applause ] This is my first introduction to cabaret... ♪ ...and safe to say, I'm learning a lot.

♪ -I have never, ever seen Miriam lost for words.

♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -Oh...my...God.

One more time!

[ Cheers and applause ] -I've never seen anything like that.

-After that performance, I think Miriam needs to come up for air.

-Well, thanks for bringing me to that.

[ Both laugh ] I've never gone to things that were all about sex, and there's a lot of sex in that.

-There is.

-A lot, but also a lot of comedy.

-They all seemed so happy and -- -And skilled.

-Very skilled.

-I mean, they really -- It was educational...for me and fun.

-Just run away, Miriam, and join the circus.

-I could easily do that.

♪ -It's been an eventful evening, but what better place to remind my darling companion of what else lies in store?

So, Miriam... will you marry me, as a friend?

-Oh [bleep] hell.

-Is that a yes?

-We're friends anyway.

We don't need to be married.

-It'll be fun, and, like, a Dolly Parton impersonator would marry us.

As friends.

-A Dolly Parton?

-Yeah.

-Oh, I wouldn't mind that.

-[ Laughs ] Oh, I see.

-Perhaps I would marry her instead of you.

-Lala will be the flower girl.

-[ Laughs ] Well, if you're game, I suppose I am.

-I'm game.

-God, this was not as romantic as I thought it was gonna be.

-Romantic?

[ Laughs ] ♪ Okay.

I'll marry you.

-I can't think of a better place to end our trip than at the altar.

-I don't have to wear a dress, do I?

-You got to dress as Cher.

[ Laughs ] ♪ -It's a beautiful morning in Las Vegas, but we are not basking in the sunshine.

When you think of Vegas, you probably imagine winning it big at the tables, but in fact, the biggest cash cow is the humble slot machine.

There are over 160,000 in this town, bringing in over $9 billion every year, and after his win at the blackjack tables earlier... -Oh, God, I can see why this is addictive.

-...Alan has been utterly sucked in.

-Well, you didn't get anything.

-I don't think I have any more of that.

-Oh, you haven't.

Well, put mine in.

-Alright.

It's quite a lot -- $10 a pop.

-When I was at Dreamland Margate, we used to put in a penny.

-Oh.

Nah-nah.

-At this point, a wise head would stop.

-Let's go over here.

But I just feel this machine is going to be luckier, Miriam.

[ Upbeat music plays, man laughs ] -You won... -$2.85.

I'm gonna choose a dragon.

[ Gong sounds ] Doh.

Zilch.

-Oh, dear.

Alan's lost the lot.

Bye-bye.

Thank you so much.

-I don't mind losing this morning because I'm lucky in love, Miriam.

Today, on this, our very last day, we're getting dressed up and declaring our mutual adoration at a special ceremony.

I can tell Miriam's excited, too, as for the very first time on this trip, she is the one bursting into song.

-♪ Why am I always the bridesmaid?

♪ ♪ Never the blushing bride ♪ ♪ Ding dong ♪ ♪ Wedding bells always rings for other girls ♪ ♪ One fine day ♪ ♪ Oh, let it be soon ♪ ♪ I shall wake up in the morning on my own honeymoon ♪ [ Both laugh ] -You got a great voice.

-Oh, you are so sweet.

-It's true.

-[ Laughs ] Finally, sweet Alan is about to make an honest woman of me in something called a friendship wedding, and we're certainly in the right town.

-Las Vegas is the self-proclaimed wedding capital of the world, with around 150 weddings a day and a magnet for anyone looking for an unconventional way to get hitched.

Eagle-eyed viewers will have noticed we are both already married, but one little chapel in town offers the perfect ceremony just for us.

♪ Are you excited?

I'm excited because Daddy is getting married to Miriam.

♪ -I'm relieved to say this isn't legally binding but does require a little paperwork.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

-I'm actually gonna grab a couple of signatures from you guys.

This one just states where you're getting committed to each other today.

-I must need committing to have agreed to this.

♪ I'm left-handed, just to complicate things.

-I'm left-handed, also, so I understand.

-All the best people, darling.

Now, it's always wise before any big moment in life to seek some advice.

-So I've arranged a little counseling -- cosmic counseling from astrologer Michael to see if our stars align.

-Are you going to tell us whether we're compatible or not?

-Yes.

-Okay.

-Because it's a bit late.

-I know.

-We've committed.

-Both of you happen to be the two Zodiac signs that are some of the most skeptical when it comes to astrology.

-I used to think it was all a load of [bleep] You know, I didn't believe any of it.

-I used to write horoscopes for a newspaper.

-I wouldn't be surprised if they were accurate, even if you made them up.

-They were pretty good.

-You represent Aquarius.

You represent Taurus.

That's actually the king and queen of the Zodiac, the fixed royals.

Aquarius represents knowledge... -And queen.

[ Laughter ] -...and Taurus value.

You kind of open up her mind to the advanced knowledge out into the world.

-That's very true.

-Taurus is the Earth mother.

It's very grounded.

-I'm a bull.

-The strong, strong earthly, yes.

I would say goddess vibe, a quirky, like, genius, unique way to express yourself.

-Am I?

Do I?

-Own it.

Own it.

-Well, it's very interesting.

Taurus, but not Tory.

-And you're both very different, which I like.

Like, the ruler of Aquarius is Uranus or Saturn and Jupiter.

[ Laughs ] -His anus is absolutely on top.

-Oh, my God.

I'm loving this.

I'm loving this right now.

-Alan is a brilliant young man.

He can dance.

He thinks he can sing, and... -And I'm ruled by my anus.

I mean, by Uranus.

-I learned that -- [ Laughs ] -Not my anus.

Uranus.

-I like that, because we know your moon's in Pisces, which is the last sign.

-My moon is in Pisces?

-Divine Soul.

-I didn't know that.

-And then if your Rising is in Gemini or Cancer, it'll put you in a somewhat isolated space.

-I often [bleep] and that's why I'm often in an isolated space.

-Oh, my gosh.

Technically, traditionally, these signs would be seen as non-compatible, but, you know, when we take into account, you know, your moon signs, your rising signs, it's funny about astrology, like, things that might look not compatible on the surface could actually be challenges that keep certain people together.

Suns and moons clash so that it allows both of you to challenge each other.

-I think that's what makes us a good combo, right?

-I learn all the time from being with Alan, and I like him very much.

-Likewise.

-I think he's a very nice person.

-I feel like he'll feel at home with you, and he can show you more of the world and, like, what's out there.

-He certainly can.

-Oh, Michael, if you only knew the half of it.

Thanks so much, Michael, but we've got to go and get married now.

-It was a pleasure.

I wish you both the best.

-Thanks so much.

Thanks to Michael's astrological insight, we're both incompatible and compatible.

-Sounds like a great reason to get married.

-Shall we?

-Let's.

♪ -I've chosen queen to the queer, Dolly Parton, to conduct our nuptials.

♪ Well, hello.

-Hello.

Kenneth.

-Hi.

-I'm Miriam.

-Nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you.

-And picking Dolly to do the deed has gone down well with Miriam.

-She's a wonderful woman.

-She's the Archangel, Dolly Parton.

-Is she?

Have you met her?

-I have not.

Yeah, 16 years, you'd think I'd have gotten to meet her by now, but our paths have never crossed.

-I have met Dolly Parton just once when she came to London.

I had a meet-and-greet ticket, so afterwards, I was queuing to meet her.

And it was a long queue.

It was a long wait, and I needed to [bleep] And I held it in and I held it in and I held it in, and I thought -- in the end, I thought, "For [bleep] sake," And I just blew, and it was huge.

It was very noisy, and there were a few other hundred people queuing, as well.

Gave them the fright of their lives.

But luckily, I'd finished it by the time I met Dolly.

-Good.

Good, good, good.

-[ Southern accent ] I don't think she would have liked it.

-Well, you know, you never know.

You know, there's a legend that Dolly is pretty potty-mouthed, also.

-Is she?

-Yeah, that's what they say.

She has a foul-mouth jar.

She has to put a dollar in every time, and then she has to go to the chapel.

She has a chapel attached to her office, and she said she's never in the office.

She's always in the chapel.

-Well, this is so lovely because, you know, this is -- this is the end of our -- -Yeah.

-This is the end of the road trip?

-This is the last day.

-Yeah.

-Friends for life.

I could schmooze with Dolly all day, but with the average wedding in Sin City taking 15 minutes, we better stick to our slot.

-We're gathered here today to celebrate the everlasting friendship of Miriam and Alan.

Together on this journey, Alan and Miriam have seen new things... -That's dead right.

-Yeah.

-...have learned new things about each other... -Yes.

-Too true.

[ Laughs ] -...have grown as people... -Yes.

-Yeah.

-...and they've done it all in the confines of a beautiful motorhome... -Right.

-...which Alan sometimes drives too fast.

-Oh.

She knows.

She knows.

-She's psychic.

-Alright, let's turn to each other.

Hold hands.

Miriam, will you take Alan to be your road-tripping, hairstyle trend-setting, singing, dancing friend forever?

-Yes, I will.

I do.

I am.

He is.

-And, Alan, will you take Miriam to be your potty-mouthed, gin-drinking, onion-eating, big-bosom buddy for life?

-Absolutely.

[ Laughs ] -Now, repeat after me, Alan.

"I take thee, Miriam, to be my lifelong friend."

-I take thee, Miriam, to be my lifelong friend.

-And, Miriam, "I take thee, Alan, to be my lifelong friend."

-I take thee, Alan, to be my lifelong friend.

-Alan, I'd like you to light a candle to commemorate the ceremony.

Would you do that for me?

-Yes.

-A candle.

Don't put it up my ass.

-Oh, my God.

-Wow.

-So do you want to hold it?

And do you want to light it?

Perfect.

-That's too big for my ass, actually.

-That's okay.

And now, by the power vested in me and the state of Nevada, I pronounce you friendships forever.

-Yay!

-You may hug.

-[ Smooches ] [ Humming ] -Is that my fanfare?

-That's it.

[ Humming ] Come on, La.

[ Humming continues ] And in true wedding tradition, even the RV is playing its part.

[ Chuckles ] Look, there's all cans.

It says, "Just married."

[ Laughs ] I'm glad we saw this before we took off.

[ Both laugh ] And then look, "Just kidding."

Alright.

♪ Can you hear the tinkling of our wedding cans?

-That was really nice.

-Wasn't it lovely?

-It was lovely.

-And you were a little skeptical of the whole affair.

-I thought it was bullocks when I was first told about it.

-But it was a lovely way to end our journey, wasn't it?

-Yeah.

And what a delightful and bonkers journey it's been.

-Shall we hit the road?

-I'm just going to lift a buttock.

That's better.

♪ That was so funny!

[ Laughs ] ♪ -She was never seen again.

-[ Laughs ] [ Cheers and applause ] -You look like a '60s flight attendant.

[ Laughter ] -Right.

Give me some left.

-It's rude, but it's fun.

-Yeah.

That's what it's supposed to be.

[ Laughter ] -Well, we won't forget that.

-No, we won't, Miriam, and if I could just put it all into words.

This is it.

This is the end of -- -Stop sign.

Sorry.

[ Laughs ] You were going to say something momentous... -That was really a beautiful moment.

-...and I interrupted you... -I was gonna say -- -...which is so [bleep] typical.

-[ Laughs ] Yeah.

This is it, Miriam.

This is the end of our thing.

This is our odyssey.

It's been fun.

-It's been amazing.

I've loved it.

I've enjoyed myself.

-Me, too.

It's always fun with you.

♪ And so before we have to fly back home, I think we both deserve a sundowner to toast our time together.

Well, Miriam, it's our last cocktail together.

-That's very posh.

-Well, you know... Look at this.

It's got a martini in it.

♪ -Looks like urine.

[ Chuckles ] -You're in for a treat.

-I gave you that one.

-Here we are.

-L'Chaim!

-L'Chaim!

To life, to nature... -To life, to Scotland... to parts of America.

[ Chuckles ] ♪ -I continue to be amazed at you.

-I like you.

-I like you, too.

I'm glad we're married.

You'd think that someone of your age would be kind of set in their ways, and you're completely not.

-I think you're kind.

You're really kind, and you put up with lots of things from me, like the [bleep] interrupting you.

And you're really sweet to me.

-Oh, thanks, Miriam.

-And that means a lot.

-[ Chuckles ] -I'm just drunk now, so I don't give a [bleep] what I say.

-[ Laughs ] -I'm not used to this.

-And also -- because you never drink, do you?

[ Chuckles ] -Very occasionally.

-[ As Miriam ] Very occasionally.

[ Laughs ] -It's been lovely.

Thank you very, very much.

-Thank you.

-You're my pal.

-I am.

I am.

You're my pal.

And we're married now.

-Oh, Christ.

Hey, now, you put some more drink in here.

-We're actually drunk now, aren't we?

-Yeah.

I am.

I really am.

-[ Laughs ] ♪ ♪ ♪