(light melodic music) (lamp crackling) (gas whooshing) (light melodic music) (lamp crackling) (tense orchestral music) - Two households, both alike in dignity in fair Lancashire where we lay our scene, from ancient grudge break to new mutiny, where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.

But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?

It is the east and Juliet is the sun.

- Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?

- Load of old crap, innit?

"Romeo and Juliet."

If I wanna watch a couple of teenagers have a fall out with their parents, I'll just watch "Hollyoaks."

- Yeah, it's really overrated, Shakespeare.

They all harp on about him, but it's hardly "Death in Paradise," now that is a hard-hitting drama.

- Deny thy father and refuse thy name.

Can someone have a look at this balcony?

(people groaning) It's wobbly.

It'd better not wobble on the night.

Can we find which of the volunteers built this and sack them?

- Is she not a bit old to be playing Juliet?

If she can't see wherefore-art-thou her Romeo is, she should put distance glasses on.

- This is mild, a few years back, she was Annie.

- [Monica] 'Tis but thy name that is my enemy.

(light melodic music) Sam!

(door clicking) Sam!

(door thudding) Sam!

- And what does Her Majesty request this time?

An ice swan in your dressing room?

- Sam, I cannot give a satisfactory Juliet, if I'm offering it from a loose box.

- Who could, dear?

(object clattering) - Argh!

Oh, (gasping) oh, my insides!

They're burning, oh!

- He's good.

- Oh!

(knees thudding to floor) - Bernard.

(Bernard groaning) - I've been poisoned.

- Bernard, your character doesn't die, does he?

- Hang on, he's not mucking about.

- No, he's inhabiting the character.

- But you'd have a bigger part, if you hadn't done such a bloody awful audition.

This is amateur dramatics, be professional.

- Ignore her, Bernard, your audition was fine as was mine.

I'd be Romeo, if this talentless idiot's dad wasn't sponsoring the play.

- Right, how can I be talentless, Sam, if I get the lead in every play that my dad sponsors?

- Hm.

- It's all right, everyone, I'm a nurse, I can help.

- Yeah, you're just playing a nurse, Stacey, stop being so method, you work in a chip shop.

(tense orchestral music) (Bernard groaning) - You are brilliant.

(Bernard groaning) - You'd better call an ambulance.

I really think he's been poisoned.

- Everybody just be calm, there's no need for drama.

(Bernard gasping) (Bernard thudding to floor) There's been a murder!

(mellow melodic music) (doors thudding) (Bernard groaning) - The victim is 52 years old, male, no known enemies.

The poison seems to have caused some digestive distress, 'cause he's emptied himself twice.

- She's right, cleaners back there are in tears.

- Monica said that two bakeries provided the backstage food, looks like one of them served up poisoned goods.

- I'm the actual copper here, Gemma, I say those things, thank you.

(Bernard groaning) (tires screeching) (van doors clicking) (van doors thudding) - Well, well, well, the day has finally come, Mr. Montgomery, that your baking has killed someone!

- Don't you dare accuse me, Caplan.

- Must have been one of your manky brownies.

Montgomery is your poisoner!

- All right, let's keep things friendly.

- Accusations like that will lead to a very painful end for you, Caplan.

- Oh, is that right?

- Come on, son, I will roll you out flat.

- Looks like he's brought a spoon to a rolling pin fight.

- Ooh, well, I've got 14 inches of solid British elm.

- Is that elm?

It looks like ash to me.

- Well, it might be ash.

- There's an "Inspector Morse" episode about this, am dram.

We could be watching it.

- What you on about?

- You said that I should learn all I could about investigative methodology.

- Yeah.

- So I have, I've been watching box sets, while you're at hot yoga.

- Do you want this, son?

- I dare you, I dare you.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Gentlemen, please, I'm asking you to behave like calm, rational bakers.

- Dad!

- Dad!

- Leave it, he's not worth it.

- Dad, no rolling pins in public, come on.

- I'm trusting you two to take your dads home.

If there's an actual crime here, the police will do what we do best, we'll get round to it.

- Get round to it?

Listen, it's quite straightforward, arrest him and close his bakery.

- Oh, hold me back, hold me back.

- Can you smell that?

- Yeah, bullsh- - No, money.

(light melodic music) Gentlemen, hi, hi, hi, hi.

We might be able to help you with your little problem.

This might be the time for you to engage in the services of the North's most underrated investigators.

- She's right, we've been rated very badly by a lot of people.

- This sounds like industrial espionage and you're in luck, 'cause that's something in which we are experts, says so on our website.

- Does it?

- Well, it will do by morning.

- All right, fine, meet me at the bakery first thing tomorrow morning and we'll get to the bottom of how he done this!

- Oh, hang on a minute, if you're working for him, you'll be biased against me, I'm not having that.

I'm hiring you too, yeah, I'll see you tomorrow.

- I'm not sure if it's ethical, investigating your own client.

- Oh, ethical smethical, two cases in one day, Terry, jackpot!

And if we're really lucky, this whole thing is gonna get a lot worse.

(van doors thudding) (light melodic music) Come on.

(van engines starting) (light melodic music) (vans rumbling) - And now the games begin.

(bottle clattering) (tense melodic music) (Gemma and Monica laughing) (door clicking) - I'm back!

(door thudding) The looks you get when you haven't got a Bag For Life.

- Oh, Terry, your friend's here.

- Hiya.

(bags thudding) (soft intense music) - Oh God, no.

- Terry, you never told me you had such a funny friend.

Simon, you are hilarious.

- There'll be loads of stuff he's not told you about, Gemma.

I don't suppose he's told you about the time, when he lost all his savings on a pyramid scheme selling actual pyramids, did he?

(Gemma and Monica laughing) - That was your scheme, you told me pyramids were the house shape of the future.

(Gemma and Monica laughing) Said I'd be a Pharaoh.

- Oh.

(Gemma and Monica laughing) - Or the time we graduated from coach driving school together.

On his first day, I put super glue on the clip of his seatbelt, he drove all away from Wales to Edinburgh, couldn't get out to go to the toilet once.

(Gemma and Monica laughing) - I had to pee in my shoe and throw it out of the window.

(Gemma and Monica laughing) - Sorry, Terry, Terry's a little bit jealous, because I'm a bit of a free spirit, you know.

I mean, I know where I was yesterday, but I don't know where I'll be tomorrow, you know.

- When did you get out of prison?

- Yesterday, yeah.

- Prison?

Oh, Simon, what happened?

- I am the victim of identity theft.

Yeah, yeah, someone had been posing as me and well, they'd only gone and not paid my tax for seven years.

- Oh, that is awful.

- Yes, yeah, quite a daunting amount of credit card fraud as well.

But I think most heartbreaking of all was waiting for my best mate to show up to act as a character witness for me, but you never came, did you, Terry?

- Terry.

- As an actor, I fake many identities, but I only ever use my powers for good.

- An actor?

Oh yes, of course.

Do you know, I sensed a certain creative essence in the room, I did.

- That's a Glade PlugIn.

- Terry, I'm getting a real negative vibe from you right now.

Look, I just heard that your coach had blown up and I just wanted to make sure you were all right.

- See, Terry, that's what friends do, Simon has turned up for you, thank you.

- So did you have all your insurance papers in order?

- Let me save you some time, I'm skint, Gemma's skint, we're both skint, so you've had a bit of a wasted journey.

- I'm not skint, I mean, I'm not well off, but I'd say I'm comfortable.

- So an actor, wow!

- Oh.

- Well listen, if you are doing any productions, you know, I'd, I'd love to help out.

- Gemma, I can feel my wing taking somebody under it.

(all laughing) See, Terry, friends.

(light melodic music) (church bells chiming) (crow cawing) (mellow melodic music) (gun firing) (mellow melodic music) (light melodic music) - Right, you take Monty's, I'll take Caplan's.

This is an in depth investigation, what's their security system like?

Who's got access to the products?

Have they upset anyone lately, are you ready?

- Gemma, I'm investigating the bakery.

(zipper whirring) Never been more ready.

(light melodic music) (sign creaking) Mm.

Oh.

Yeah, this one's all right too.

- Do you intend to taste every single product we make?

- Monty, a man's in hospital, possibly because of eating your food, I'd have to be an idiot not to want to check everything personally.

(light melodic music) - This is Gemma Draper, interview one with Philip Caplan, also known as Cappy at the cafe at Caplan's Bakery.

The weather is overcast, I'm drinking a coffee, Cappy's got a water, I've got my lucky jumper on.

Cappy's looking confused.

Right, so, firstly, Cappy, do you have any enemies?

- Oh, yes, you met him last night, Marshall Monty Montgomery, awful man, owner of an even more awful bakery with an idiot son.

Our families were lifelong rivals.

The feud began 100 years ago, when our great-great-grandfathers started a war, they couldn't agree on what goods each bakery could produce.

But as the jam spilled and the bodies piled up, it were clear they'd forgotten the baker's motto, live and let sieve, until eventually they called a truce.

- So it was decided that Montgomery's would do sweets and Caplan's would do savories, fine, but the Caplans have always been an angry, bitter, jealous, little bunch.

- Monty seems pretty sure you're jealous of his success.

- Oh, what a load of old horse- - Shiitake mushroom and butternut squash surprise, that's what kicked it all off again.

Now I know that strictly speaking, it's not a sweet, but I only done them for a trial.

I tried to tell him, but he couldn't give a- - Focaccia, eh, he was selling focaccia as well, did he tell you that?

That's breaking rules, that is, made me look a right stupid- - Country pie.

If he keeps accusing me of breaking the rules, I'll make a country pie that'll blow him out of the water.

He needs taking down a peg or two anyway, puts all sorts in them savories, cheese, peas, it's disgusting.

(phone ringing) Excuse me.

Hello, Montgomery's.

Oh, no, I think there must be some mist- Oh, well, I'm, I'm very sorry about that.

- Dad.

(receiver clattering) What's wrong?

- Apparently our gingerbread men have got pubic hair!

- Happens, when they get older.

- How could you let this happen, Ray?

I mean, we're losing money hand over fist here, I've just upped the insurance, the premiums are killing me.

God, you're such an idiot, boy.

- (laughing) According to the grapevine, old Monty's gingerbread men have just come of age.

Oh, if this gets out, there's no way he gets that unit in the new shopping center.

- Ah, is that gonna be a shopping center?

(tuts) Gutted, I had my fingers crossed for an Ikea.

- Well, they'll only allow one bakery and we've both put bids in.

Julie, looks like we're expanding!

(door clicking) - Dad, that was the Hepburn funeral, the one we catered for, the Cornish pasties, they're filled with corn plasters.

- What?

- Ew!

- No!

- They want their money back.

- I'm sorry, Gemma, we'll have to continue this later.

- Yeah, of course.

- [Cappy] If he wants a war, I'll give him a war.

- [Julie] Calm down, Dad, everything's gonna be alright.

- [Cappy] I don't understand, corn plasters?

(mellow melodic music) (objects clattering) - Hello.

Now what are you doing here?

- [Cappy] I hate him so much!

- Dad, please, not again.

- Oh!

Oh, Monty!

(fist thudding) - So basically there's loads of evidence, both accusing and exonerating both of our main suspects.

I mean, this is classic "Bergerac."

- They both want that new unit in the shopping center.

One's got insurance and money worries, the other's got a security pass for his rival.

I just wish they'd killed someone, it's always so much easier with a murder.

- Well, sadly, Bernard's only in a coma, it's neither one thing or the other, is it?

- Bloody selfish is what it is.

Right, Monica's having drinks for the cast, we'll pop in, see if we can see any potential suspects.

Then after that, we're doing our first stakeout.

- Don't you mean steak bake out?

- No.

(light melodic music) (lamp crackling) (tense melodic music) - Do we really have to go to this?

- Yes, Terry, it's a professional investigation, which thankfully will involve Prosecco.

All right, Simon.

Taking a little breather?

Our Monica's quite a handful, isn't she?

- Yeah, yeah, she's got quite a intense energy about her, doesn't she?

And her voice is quite, um.

- Grating.

- Yes.

But you know, in a good way, you know, it's like she's relentlessly grating off the harsh outer shell of my heart, you know?

- Aw.

- Why don't you just go and do one, yeah?

You're nowt but a conman and a thief.

- I think we need to clear a few things up.

You could've helped me out, could've stood up for me in court when I needed you, but you didn't and my life was taken away from me, so you (tongue clicking) owe me a new life.

- What, with Monica?

You'd be punishing yourself, mate.

- Terry, Monica is a lovely person and I can see us being very happy together in her big house, watching her big telly while you keep your big mouth shut.

- Well, I'll tell her and you, I'll tell her the truth about you, then you'll be buggered, won't you?

- Really?

- Mm-hm.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Okay, well, since we're all about telling the truth, how do you think Gemma's gonna react, when I tell her about what me and you (tongue clicking) got up to in Dubrovnik?

(soft intense music) - No.

I was a different man then.

- That's not how Gemma's gonna see it though, is it?

So if you just keep schtum, let me do my thing, no one needs to know, all right?

(tongue clicking) (light melodic music) - Hey, hey.

Hey, hey.

(man groaning) (man vomiting) (light melodic music) (all groaning) - My poor tummy!

- What's going on here?

- They're all being sick, very amateur-dramatically.

(all vomiting) - It's a claw, bird's claws in all the pasties, they're poisoning actors, a curse is on all of our houses.

(Sam clapping) - Bravo, Monica, not only have you robbed yourself and the audience, might I add of my portrayal of Romeo, you poison the cast twice.

I'll get my dinner elsewhere, thank you, somewhere that hasn't got butt holes in the profiteroles.

- But I got these from Caplan's, I didn't ask for the bird claw ones.

Do you think that's why they were on special offer?

- Well, Sam's on my list of suspects.

- And Stacey's producing plenty of evidence.

Come on.

(light melodic music) (Stacey vomiting) (owl hooting) - Do you think we should buy a car?

Who goes on a stakeout in deckchairs?

- Shut up and keep rubbing your hands.

- Why am I wearing this?

- To blend in.

- Gemma, the only way we'd blend in is in a pool with massive tadpoles.

- We're gonna sit here all night and catch the poisoner.

- Right, be needing this then.

- Oh.

(coffee pouring) (owl hooting) Here's drink, I drink to thee.

- Is that a Shakespeare quote?

- Hm, Shakespeare couldn't help himself writing quotes.

- Well, this is just coffee, well, coffee with a bit of an Irish twist to it.

- Hm?

Ooh!

Irish, it's liquid bloody "Riverdance" that.

- Oh, ah!

Look, more importantly, it'll keep us awake and alert.

- [Gemma] Yeah.

(Terry snoring) (light melodic music) - [Ray] Don't be long, sweet cheeks!

Miss you already!

- Terry.

Terry.

(Terry snoring) (door clanging) - [Terry] Can we please just have another coffee and think about this?

- Come on, down here.

(slow melodic music) - Yeah, towards the creepy music.

Always with the towards.

(mellow melodic music) - Terry, he's got a doughnut.

- Well, technically it's got him.

Ooh!

(flashlight clattering) - What are you doing here?

Please, you cannot tell my father, he won't understand.

You don't know what he's like.

(door clanging) (light melodic music) - Come on, after him!

- But Gemma, he's half-cocked!

- Where'd he go?

Ray!

Oh, well, this is great, we've sat here all night and all we've uncovered is one naked baker.

- Gemma, I saw a man violate a doughnut tonight, a doughnut, I mean, those are sacred.

It's days like this, I wonder, shouldn't we just go back to running coach trips?

I mean, I mean, are we sure about the investigating?

- Yes, Terry, we're sure, we decided, remember?

- I remember the decision.

I mean, I was there, just not sure how involved I was in the making of it.

- You said, "Whatever makes you happy."

Look at me, I'm happy, it's the best decision you've ever made.

Come on then, let's go home, we've blown our cover.

- All right, just so you know, I read in "Cosmopolitan" that two doughnuts is the size that the average woman enjoys.

- It's three.

(light melodic music) (soft tense music) (gas whooshing) (tense melodic music) (lamp crackling) (tense melodic music) (pestle thudding) (birds chirping) (Monty whistling tunefully) (door thudding) (light melodic music) (crow cawing) (light melodic music) (Monty whistling tunefully) - Terry thinks we're having an affair, Monica.

I keep telling him we are just friends.

I mean, do I long for my lips to dance across hers?

Of course, I'd be stupid not to, but if stupid is what it takes, then that's what I'll be.

- Simon, you'll set my heart racing.

(laughing) - Could you be any more transparent?

- Eh?

- You heard.

- You know, this whole poisoning thing could be a conspiracy to stop me doing my amazing play.

- It could be me then or it could be Simon, this poisoning all started when you showed up.

- It's Sam, the little boy who always wants to be Romeo and doesn't care who he hurts to get the part.

- Are you letting this idea run away with itself?

- Probably, yes, but we've got nothing else to go on.

- Gemma, I'd advise caution, in the amateur dramatic episode of "Hamish Macbeth-" - It's bad luck to say "Macbeth."

Oh.

- Oh, nevermind that.

Come on, let's go and search Sam's room.

- (laughing) Ah, Gemma, I don't do carrying.

(box thudding) - Oh!

So should we go say your lines in your dressing room then?

I mean, after all, that's all we can do, anything else would be very, very naughty.

- (laughing) You devil.

(light melodic music) (door clicking) - Terry, stay at the door, Sam was really angry at the party, if he gets here and attacks, I want you as a buffer between him and me.

- Is that all I am, a buffer?

- Terry, you're a lot of things to me and yeah, yeah, yeah, in this case, you're a buffer.

(light melodic music) (clothes hangers rattling) Oh!

That's pretty.

(light melodic music) Ah!

(toilet flushing) (door clicking) - What's going on?

(door thudding) - Oh, I think you know, corn plasters, pubic hairs, that's what's going on.

- How did you get that many?

Must've took you years, bet you're smooth as butter down there.

- Can't pin those pubes on me.

- Your poisoning days are over, Sam.

You tried to take down two bakeries!

- Two bakeries, who hurt you?

- Are you mad, why would I wanna poison baked goods?

- Revenge for not getting a part in the play.

You've got delusions of grandeur, that coupled with psychotic cooking tendencies, you might as well be Gordon Ramsay himself.

Oh, my God, I'm good at this, nailed it.

- Out of my way, I said out of my way!

Where is that blithering idiot, Ray?

My Julie's gone missing, she weren't in work today, but I found this photo in her bedroom of her and that son of a baker, look!

- Oh, gross.

- Dear God, they're using an eclair this time.

- That's not even my bag.

- Terry, buffer!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, eh!

- Oh, give over, look, it's Ray's bag, you idiots.

Look, it's got his name in it.

- Oh.

- What?

- Ray is our saboteur!

- He's ruining his own dad's business.

- He hates working in that bakery, his dad treats him like dirt, everyone knows that.

- Everybody knows that.

- They do this on "Lovejoy" quite a lot.

- Yeah.

- The son destroys the father.

It must lead to a lot of awkward Christmas dinners, but like they don't really talk about it, 'cause it's not plot driven.

- Where does my Julie fit in with all this?

- (tuts) Because both you and Monty forbid their love.

God, it, it's so romantic, it's like Shakespeare, but with bakers.

- Don't you mean Bakespeare?

- He's ruining the bakeries, so they can both be free.

Don't worry, we'll find them and I have a good idea where to start looking.

(light melodic music) Hey, come on.

- I've got a stitch.

- I know exactly where he is.

- [Ray] Oh, let me out please!

(alarm beeping) - Down there in that flour thingy, he must've climbed in and got stuck.

- Yeah, like some sort of weird, sexual, flour fetish thing.

- Well, I was thinking more like when they were cleaning it, but your theory sounds far more likely.

- [Ray] Help me!

(fist banging) Help!

(light melodic music) Help, help me!

Oh no, someone let me out please!

Help me, let me out please!

- Oh!

- The door, open the door!

- It says not to open it!

- I'm about to drown in flour!

The wheel, use the wheel!

- Terry, the wheel!

(alarm beeping) (tense melodic music) Go, go!

(wheel clanking) - [Ray] Argh!

Let me out please!

Argh!

(thudding to floor) - Oh!

(bag rustling) We found your packet of pubes, Ray, we know you're the culprit.

- It wasn't me.

- Pubes don't lie, Ray, pubes don't lie.

- I-I was just doing what I was told.

- Told, by who?

(light melodic music) (Monty whistling tunefully) (soft tense music) (light melodic music) - Julie?

- She said if I let her poison the food here, she'd do the same at her dad's place and then we could open up our own bakery in the shopping center and like run it together.

But I told her she was going too far.

- So she threw you in the flour vat?

- No, she told me there was a fiver in here, I went after it and she locked it and started filling it.

- How did she think she'd get away with killing you?

- Oh, I'm always getting stuck in here.

- Cleaning it?

- No, I-I like the way it feels on my... Yeah, yeah, cleaning it.

- Told you.

- She spiked the flapjacks with prawns, we've gotta stop her.

- Prawns?

Monica, she's allergic to shellfish, she could die!

- I've got the bakery van, let's go.

- It's alright, I'll drive.

I used to be a skilled professional driver.

(melodic rock music) If you don't count all the points on my license.

(melodic rock music) (door clicking) - Go, go, go!

♪ Get your motor running ♪ - [Ray] Go, go, go, go, go, go!

♪ Head out on the highway ♪ (van door clicking) ♪ Looking for adventure ♪ (van doors thudding) (van engine starting) ♪ In whatever comes our way ♪ (tires screeching) (van rumbling) - [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the use of an understudy in part one, we also apologize for the quality of his performance.

- Thanks for stepping in to cover for Ray, wherever he is.

- Hey, not a problem.

I didn't, I didn't expect them to laugh so much.

- Oh, they weren't laughing at you, they were laughing towards you, I get that a lot as an actor, audiences just love to fling their joy all over me.

You're doing a great job.

- Thank you, my Juliet.

And may I dare say new landlady?

(Monica laughing) That is of course providing I do manage to land the lady.

No, we mustn't, we mustn't.

(laughing) - (laughing) Oh, my hero.

♪ I wanna love you, but I better not touch ♪ ♪ I wanna hold you, but my senses tell me to stop ♪ ♪ I wanna kiss you, but I want it too much ♪ - Can this not go any faster?

- Look, she's built for comfort, not speed.

Bit like me and him.

(laughing) - What?

♪ Your poison running through my veins ♪ ♪ You're poison ♪ - Two minutes 'til we're back on, Monica.

♪ I don't wanna break these chains ♪ ♪ I hear you calling and it's needles and pins ♪ (tires screeching) ♪ I wanna hurt you just to hear you screaming my name ♪ ♪ Don't wanna touch you, but you're under my skin ♪ (van doors clicking) ♪ I wanna kiss you, but your lips are venomous ♪ - Poison, I see have been his timeless end.

- [Gemma] Stop the play!

- Finally, about bloody time.

(audience applauding) - Oh, Monica, thank God you're alright.

- Course I am, I mean, I'm sweating a bit, but I think the lights are just hot.

- Where's Julie Caplan?

- Sam, lights!

(soft tense music) (people chattering quietly) (light melodic music) Hey, Julie, we just found Ray drowning in flour.

Wanna bet the police won't find your fingerprints on the handle of the flour vat?

Or on this security pass for Monty's?

We've got you, Julie, your poisoning days are over.

- Oh, you think you're so clever, don't you, Gemma?

I knew it as soon as I laid eyes on you.

- I get by.

- She's level two Sudoku actually.

- Julie, you did this?

You don't want the bakery when I'm gone?

My yeast will become your yeast.

- She wants a fresh start in the shopping center.

She wants recognition, adoration, free onsite parking.

- He's right, Dad, I don't wanna waste my whole life staring across at my enemy, oh no.

I'm going to be looking at my own bright future, not your dull past, I'm gonna be staring across at a cobbler, that also cuts keys.

(Monica gasping) (Monica coughing) (Monica thudding to floor) (audience gasping) (soft tense music) - Is she okay?

- Oh.

Oh, oh, she's all swelled up!

- (coughing) I ate the flapjack.

- Has anyone got an EpiPen?

- Stacey has, I went through her bag earlier, bye, Stace.

- Is it bad?

'Cause I always wanted to have lip fillers, does it suit me?

- Yeah, yeah, they do.

- Oh, you're a good sister, Gemma.

Maybe now you'll be the favorite.

- You were never the favorite, Mum always said we were equal.

- She only said that when you were there, when you were gone, she said it was (gasping), it was me.

(Monica thudding) - No, no, no, no!

(soft intense music) - [Simon] Shift!

(soft intense music) (EpiPen thudding) (Monica gasping) - Simon, you saved my life.

- [Terry] Are you okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine.

You go and get that little witch.

(upbeat pop music) (door thudding) - Kids, eh?

♪ The power of love is a curious thing ♪ ♪ Make a one man weep, make another man sing ♪ - [Terry] Julie!

Wait!

- Julie!

Stop!

♪ More than a feeling ♪ - Julie!

♪ That's the power of love ♪ Bloody stitch!

(door thudding) ♪ Tougher than diamonds, rich like cream ♪ - This is it, Julie, the end of the line, time to give it up.

- That's who she reminds me of, Juliet!

- I think everyone's already got the reference to Shakespeare.

- No, "Juliet Bravo," series three, episode four, "Amateur Night."

- Not now, Terry.

- [Terry] Julie!

♪ It's strong and it's sudden and it's cruel sometimes ♪ Go, go, go, go, go, go!

- Oh, my God!

♪ That's the power of love ♪ (soft intense music) - Oh!

- Easy now, Julie.

You don't wanna do something you won't live to regret, oh no, that's not right, is it?

What I mean to say- - What she's trying to say is don't jump.

- Yes, that's it, don't jump!

Ssh!

- Julie, we can make it work.

If you go to prison, I'll wait, no matter how long and I forgive you for everything, for destroying my family business, attempted murder.

(soft orchestral music) I love you.

- Way to go, mate, play it cool.

- No, Ray, you need someone better.

- Hey, don't you say that, you're plenty good enough for him.

I mean, he's hardly the brightest sparkler in the packet, is he?

You run rings around him.

I say, don't jump, you'll find someone much better.

- Hang on.

- I'm trying to save her life.

- You're the only one for me, Julie.

- You make my skin crawl, Ray.

Every time we made love, I thought I was gonna be sick.

- You probably just ate too many doughnuts.

Look, I was gonna do this earlier, but then you locked me in a flour vat in a bid to kill me.

So.

(soft orchestral music) - Oh, look.

- Julie Caplan, will you marry me?

(soft orchestral music) (all shrieking) (Julie thudding to ground) - Oh.

(hand patting) Well, at least she didn't say no.

- I-I can't live without her.

(soft tense music) - Hey, hang on, mate, she's not worth topping yourself for.

She tricked you into destroying everything your families had worked for.

She admitted to all of us, that sex with you turned her stomach.

Ray, wait, just let me say one more thing.

- No.

Julie, Julie, I love you!

(Gemma shrieking) (Ray thudding to ground) - Oh!

(tense orchestral music) Look before you leap is quite literally the lesson here.

- [Ray] (groaning) Sorry, Julie.

- [Julie] Get off me, Ray.

- Ray.

If you still love her.

- I do.

- You might wanna help her get down off that wagon.

- Oh, yeah, right.

- I knew I could rely on you.

I needed you and you were there.

- Hey, hey, I will be there for all of you, no matter how long it takes, 'til your head returns to a normal size, Terry and Gemma get their insurance payout.

- Oh, that, yeah, Gemma said that could take months.

- Months?

Ah, yeah, that's fine, can wait.

- Although Gemma also said they might never pay up, so we'll be together forever and ever and ever.

(laughing) - Oh.

Oh, I just remembered, I think, yeah, I think I left my jacket in your car, can I grab your car keys and go and get it?

- Yeah, course you can, they're in- - Yeah, I know where they are, just being polite.

- Oh, he's such a gent.

(light melodic music) (police radio broadcasting quietly) (gurney rattling) - As much as I want to thank you for stopping Monica's play, you are going away for a very, very long time.

(Julie groaning softly) - And I'll come and visit you every week in prison.

- Can you take me back up to the roof?

I'd like to try again.

(melodic jazz music) - [Ray] Love you dearly.

(melodic jazz music) - (sobbing) Thanks for paying for the taxi.

Simon texted to, um, to say it's time for his heart to wander and he needs my car to do that, so he'll bring it back, when the wander's over.

I can feel a big cry coming on and maybe some wine.

- Well, I never liked him, no.

Why are you even friends?

He's nothing like you.

Your heart doesn't wanna wander, does it?

- Mine?

No.

My heart finds what it wants, nestles into a comfy sofa, offers another liquid "Riverdance" coffee.

- Hm.

- M'lady could be tempted by such a thing?

Hey, let's not rub our happiness in Monica's face, eh?

We don't wanna make her jealous.

- Terry, that's an awful thing to say.

I might be heartbroken, but I could never be jealous of the happiness you and Gemma share together, never.

- Oh.

- Because people like you usually end up all alone for your entire lives, quite sad really.

(light melodic music) - Gemma, could we- - Feed her prawns in her sleep?

- Yeah.

- All right then.

♪ Poison ♪ ♪ Your poison running through my veins ♪ ♪ Your poison ♪ ♪ I don't wanna break these chains ♪ ♪ Poison ♪ ♪ I wanna love you, but I better not touch ♪ (light melodic music)