female announcer: "Pure Laughter" is brought to you by the Law Offices of David P. Shapiro; The Mental Bar; A7D Creative Group, branding, marketing, printing, and web services; ♪♪♪♪♪ San Diego College of Continuing Education, committing to student success and community enrichment; ♪♪♪♪♪ Tania Adami; Dea Hurston; and viewers like you.

Thank you.

male: Check, check.

Checking, checking.

announcer: Welcome to "Pure Laughter," featuring the funniest acts in clean comedy today.

Tonight, opener Jesse Egan talks about being a newlywed, flying on a budget, and living in a post-COVID world.

Jesse Egan: I like Spirit because it's a minimalist airline, you know, it's like family run.

They have one employee.

announcer: Feature act and musical comedy duo, The Show with Adam & Sean sing about the woes of love and relationships.

Sean Durrie: You can't cry right now, we're doing a song.

Adam Chambers: Oh, man, you don't think I know where I am right now?

announcer: And headliner Mal Hall discusses the complicated world of millennial parenting.

Mal Hall: You see that man over there?

Do you see that man?

Yeah, he takes bad kids.

announcer: Now, please welcome your host and favorite clean comic, Mark Christopher Lawrence.

Mark Christopher Lawrence: Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Mark: I started doing comedy in the 11th grade.

I lived in my mother's house.

My mother is very religious.

So there was no filthy comedy going on in my mother's house.

Even if I snuck and did something filthy, eventually one of her friends would have heard it and then they'd be calling her, "Uh, sister Lee, you need to talk to that Mark Christopher.

He's doing these filthy jokes.

Uh, you probably wanna whip his tail."

And she would have tried.

Again, it was the 11th grade.

Mark: Now, who's here for the first time?

We got some in the back right there.

Couple up here, right down front.

Mark: The audience here is fantastic.

They really--this audience keeps the show alive.

Mark: What do you do for a living?

Physical therapist?

I've had a lot of physical therapy in my day.

I've had a lot of injuries.

I've had so much pain in my life that God's gonna let me die peacefully in my sleep.

You know, just calmly, serenely, peacefully in my sleep.

Everybody else in the car is gonna be screaming and hollering, but I'm going peacefully.

I'm gonna bring up our first comic tonight and he's a winner of "San Diego's Funniest."

He's also been on "Dry Bar Comedy," which is a huge clean comedy situation, but he's here for you tonight and he's my good friend.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jesse Egan.

Jesse: Hi, I'm Jesse Egan.

I'm a comedian.

I got into comedy in 2006 from watching a lot of bad comedy.

I watched other people butcher it and I thought, "I could do that.

It doesn't look that hard," and then it was much harder than I thought.

Jesse: Good to see everybody.

Thank you so much for coming out, you guys.

Make some noise for being here for live comedy, huh?

This is fantastic.

I love this crowd.

I'm feeling good.

I'm glad to be here.

You know, I just recently had that cove, had that cove up in me, you know, and I recovered, I completely lost my sense of taste.

Bought this shirt.

But anyway, I really got into comedy for the fashion.

I don't know if you can tell, but I wanna do one of those red carpet interviews one day.

I mean, the paparazzi asking about your clothes, you know?

They're like, "Who's your designer?

Who are you wearing?"

I'd be like, "I think his name is Ross.

I did dress for less, you know what I mean?

I got it at Ross."

So I actually got this shirt back when I was in the army.

Thank you.

Not a hero.

It's the salvation.

Went in there earlier.

Fished this out of the old lost and found sack.

So your boy's bowling on a budge.

But big news about me this year: I got married, you guys.

Look at the ring.

It's right there.

So excited.

It's funny when you tell people you just got married, they treat it like you told them that you're just opening a small business.

You know, like, "You just got married?

That's gonna take a lot of hard work."

I didn't sign on for that, you know?

What hard work?

We're not digging ditches.

We're just watching Netflix over here.

We did just get back from a beautiful honeymoon.

Spent 5 wonderful days in the Southwest--Terminal, so.

Didn't go nowheres.

A lot of Cinnabon for dinner, you know?

But it's good.

I like being in a relashe, you know?

I really like--I like a committed relashe, you know, I like the consistency.

I like every day having the exact same argument.

That's what I like, you know?

It's always over, "What do you want to eat?"

You guys have that argument?

Just, "What do you want to eat?"

"What do YOU wanna eat?"

Escalates fast, you know?

It's like a Mexican standoff over Mexican food, you know?

Funny thing that I found out is it doesn't actually matter what I wanna eat, so.

I didn't realize, don't get a full vote, you know?

I'll make suggestions, you know, but my wife does not eat meat or seafood, dairy, glutens, bread, most vegetables, you know?

So when she's like, "What do you wanna eat?"

I'm like, "Berries, I guess.

What's left?

Let's forage."

Get a lot of advice immediately.

Been married, like, a week.

Already getting all the advice.

That's weird, you know?

My buddy was like, "Happy wife, happy life."

I'm like, "Is that true or does that just rhyme?"

He's like, "No, I heard it from a doctor."

I was like, "Who?

Seuss?

I heard he's got a great parenting book called Hop on Pop.

I don't recommend that neither."

All kinds of advice.

People were like, "You gotta spice it up.

You gotta play a lot of games in the bedroom."

I'm, like, way ahead of you.

We play a game called Blanket Tug of War.

The other game we play every night is Steal All the Sheets and she is undefeated at that one.

I have not won that game yet.

Here's what I think happens.

I'm not sure because I just fall asleep and then I think what she does is just gathers up all the sheets and then does a burrito rollaway move, and just strips everything, just leaves me shivering.

I call that game Sheet Out of Luck, you know?

I do have a defensive move that I've been trying to do, fellas.

You can try this one.

Right before I fall asleep, I just tie a sheet to my wrist and in the middle of the night she tries that burrito rollaway, I just bungee snap back like, "Not tonight, honey.

I need my warmth."

Anyway, I'm pretty broke, but I've been traveling again on my favorite airline, Spirit.

Mm-hm, you guys laugh but it's my budget, you know?

It's $9 to freaking anywhere.

You don't know where they'll land.

That's half the fun.

If they crash, it's half off.

$4.50, still a good deal.

You know, they do charge extra for everything.

It was like $50 for my emotional baggage on that flight.

How'd they know?

They're psychics.

It's crazy.

I like Spirit because it's a minimalist airline, you know, it's like family run.

They have one employee, I think.

I'm not sure.

That's what it seems like, you know?

Last time I got to fly, I used that SkyCab, you know, so, felt like a big shot.

I was out there at the curb like, "Yes, thank you.

Take my bags, Myrna."

It was a nice lady named Myrna, you know, and then I realized I was late for the flight.

I had to get through security, like, run all the way up to the gate.

I was out of breath.

Give the ticket.

It's freaking Myrna again.

I was like what the--you beat me?

You are fast.

They should call this Sprint Airlines.

I got on the plane.

Myrna is the flight attendant too.

She's like, "Sit down and buckle up.

I gotta go fly this Airbus thingy.

There's only one of us."

I was like, "What the heck?

They are cutting corners."

And the seats don't recline on Spirit.

I didn't know that, you know.

I was messing with my seat.

"Excuse me, Myrna?"

I'm like, "Is my seat broke?"

She's like, "No, you're broke.

You're flying on Spirit.

It's the way our seats function."

It's like, "Fine.

I'll just sit upright for 6 hours."

She's like, "That's the spirit.

Enjoy your flight."

I was like, "Oh, you got me, Myrns."

I'm a little winded from that, you know?

Let me be honest with you.

It's how you know you're in top physical condish, when you get winded from standing up.

I am still trying to work off my pandemic weight.

Anybody else gain any weight during the pandemsky?

No?

Pandemic or Panera?

Am I right?

That's a bread restaurant, sir.

And I need to cut the carbs.

It's tough.

My new thing is I'm trying to dance the weight off.

I don't know if anybody's done that.

Yeah, I'm big on dance and I did some salsa dancing recently.

Anybody done that?

It's fun.

They call it chunky salsa when your boy does it.

A girl asked me if I was into Merengue.

I said, "Yes.

Lemon, please."

Look it up.

I love desserts.

I like to dance to rap music.

I don't know about this crowd.

I think this is the right demo.

But big hip hop fans.

I like hip hop.

I grew up with hip hop and the great thing about it is if you don't have money to buy it, you just make it up, you know?

And I can teach you guys how to beat box.

It's very easy to make beats.

All you have to do is say, "Boots and cats."

So you can try it with me, sir.

Sounds like this: "Boots and cats and boots and cats and boots and cats," right?

It's easy.

If you wanna snazz it up a little bit, just add, "Cats that poop bats."

Yeah, see: "Boots and cats, cats that poop bats.

Boots and cats, cats that poop bats.

Boots--" right?

And like, if you wanna scratch the record like a DJ, just say, "Eats biscuits."

That's all you gotta do.

This goes: "Boots and cats, cats that poop, eats biscuits.

Cats that poop, eats biscuits.

Cats that poop--" Let's battle, sir.

You and me, right now, let's do it.

All right, I guess not.

That's my time, you guys.

My name is Jesse Egan.

Please follow me on Venmo.

I love you all.

♪♪♪♪♪ Mark: Give it up for Jesse Egan.

We're gonna keep the show moving right along.

Next, come to the stage, a couple of guys that I've worked with several times.

I've worked with them at La Bouge, up the road, and you have to say it like that.

La Bouge.

And was just taken with them.

They've been on every TV channel, you can imagine.

All of them, all the TV shows, ABC, NBC, Fox, all of it.

They are probably the best band you've never heard of.

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for The Show with Adam & Sean.

Adam: My name is Adam Chambers and I am one half of the musical comedy duo, The Show with Adam & Sean.

Sean: I'm Sean Durrie and I'm the other half.

Adam: That would make sense.

Sean: Yeah.

The Show with Adam & Sean is a music comedy duo.

We write songs about all sorts of stuff.

We think of ourselves as relationship experts.

Adam: We're very close too, in age.

I'm obviously younger.

And we grew up with very similar, like, mindsets and experiences.

So a lot of the stuff we write about is just stuff that we think is funny and we write original songs.

Sean: The best audiences are receptive to all the jokes.

You just--you can feel it and-- because comedy is one of the only things where you get immediate validation.

If it's funny, people laugh.

If it's not, they don't.

It's very simple.

So, our favorite audiences are rowdy audiences.

If people are into it and loud and laughing, big laughers are great for us.

Adam: What's up, Staples Center?

Sean: Yeah, make some noise up in the--up in the rafters.

Adam: That's right.

Sean: Adam: Yeah, awesome.

Welcome.

Thank you for being here.

We are The Show.

That's the name of our band.

My name's Adam.

Sean: And I'm Sean.

Adam: We are not brothers.

Sean: Yeah, we get that a lot.

Adam: We're not cousins.

Sean: We get that a lot.

Adam: We're not lovers.

Sean: We get that one the most.

Adam: We do.

Sean: I don't know why.

Adam: This is just our life, right?

Sean: We like to kind of consider ourselves relationship experts.

Adam: Yeah, obviously.

Sean: You can tell by the way we dress, we make good decisions.

Adam: Obviously.

Sean: So we're gonna sing some songs tonight about relationships and about maybe the fairer sex as well.

Unfortunately, though, sometimes in relationships it doesn't work out.

Has anybody--make some noise if anyone has ever broken your heart.

Adam: Yeah, yeah.

Make it--yeah, what I like to say is make some noise if you don't like your ex, right?

Like, make some noise.

Sean: Just so we're clear, if you didn't make any noise, your ex was making noise for you.

Adam: Yeah, yeah, that's how that works, right?

Sean: You were the problem.

You were the--sometimes we're the problem.

That happens.

Adam: Sean and I clearly have a lot of exes just because you can see the choices we make in life.

And we wondered what it would be like, you know, if you-- Sean: Yeah, it's like that person that destroyed you, but you're trying to do better in your life and you're out living your best life and you run into the person that destroyed you out in public.

What do you do?

Adam: Yeah, so this is a love song.

♪♪♪♪♪ ♪♪♪♪♪ ♪ Fancy meeting you here.

♪ ♪ Really wish it wasn't here here.

♪ ♪ Somehow we are both right here, ♪ ♪ standing at a Costco looking at some French Rose, ♪ ♪ suddenly felt a chill in my bones.

♪ ♪ I turn around and see my ex staring back at me ♪ ♪ holding nine pounds of sour cream.

♪ ♪ She asked me how I've been ♪ ♪ and how are all my friends?

♪ ♪ I wonder why she never called again.

♪ ♪ When you run into your ex ♪ ♪ and it's the last thing you'd expect.

♪ ♪ What do you, do?

♪ ♪ You tell a lie.

♪ ♪ Even if you're full of it and life just sucks a bit.

♪ ♪ When you run into your ex, you tell a lie.

♪ Sean: Now, you can't let them know that your life isn't better without them.

So you gotta make something up, like this.

♪ Tell her you're a doctor.

♪ ♪ Tell her you're a lawyer.

♪ ♪ Tell her you're a doctor -lawyer who fights fires, ♪ ♪ vacations in Miami, coconuts on the beach.

♪ ♪ You dedicate your life to charity.

♪ ♪ Tell her that you learned to cook, ♪ ♪ that you finally wrote a book, ♪ ♪ that you won The Pulitzer for your cookbook.

♪ ♪ She really is impressed ♪ ♪ when really you're a mess.

♪ ♪ And ever since she left, you've been depressed.

♪ ♪ When you run into your ex, ♪ ♪ it's the last thing you'd expect.

♪ ♪ What do you do?

♪ ♪ You tell a lie.

♪ ♪ Tell her that you bought a boat ♪ ♪ and a castle with a moat.

♪ ♪ When you run into your ex, you tell a lie.

♪ Sean: Now at this point, you've told some whoppers and she might not believe you.

That's fine.

Just double down.

♪ Tell her that you got paid.

♪ ♪ That you found the cure for AIDS.

♪ ♪ That you played a couple seasons in the NBA.

♪ ♪ Don't think she believes you, ♪ ♪ because you are a white dude ♪ ♪ and in the NBA dudes don't look like you.

♪ ♪ Well, what about John Stockton?

♪ ♪ He was almost a champion ♪ ♪ and he had the most assists in the NBA.

♪ ♪ You ever heard of Larry Bird?

♪ ♪ What about Steve Kerr?

♪ ♪ That's three white dudes in the NBA.

♪ ♪ When you run into your ex, ♪ ♪ it's the last thing you'd expect.

♪ ♪ What do you do?

♪ ♪ You tell a lie.

♪ ♪ There's white dudes in the NBA.

♪ ♪ Don't you freaking lie to me.

♪ ♪ There's about 16.9% white dudes playing ♪ ♪ in the NBA.

♪ Sean: Thank you.

On the way here today, Adam was like, you know, we're playing in a theater and I kinda wanna, you know, maybe get a little serious because the theater is a place for drama.

And is that okay if Adam kind of gets serious for a second here?

It's a rhetorical question.

We're gonna do the song anyway, but we have to do the bit.

This is a love song.

♪♪♪♪♪ ♪ All my life, I've waited for you.

♪ ♪ Then tonight, you walked into the room ♪ ♪ and right then and there I made up my mind.

♪ ♪ I said a prayer and then I said this line: ♪ ♪ Would you like to go on a date with me?

♪ ♪ Oh, you don't?

♪ ♪ That's cool, though I'm not crying.

♪ ♪ See I'm a man.

♪ Adam: Oh my God.

I don't need some girl.

Whoa, I'll just sit right here in my lonely world.

Adam: Oh my God.

Sean: Dude, are you crying right now?

Adam: I am, definitely.

Sean: You can't cry right now.

We're doing a song.

Adam: Oh man, you don't think I know where I am right now?

Sean: You know what?

It's okay.

Everybody gets their heart broken sometime.

Would you like to hear one of my stories?

Adam: Right now, yes, please.

♪ When I was nine I knew this girl.

♪ ♪ Her name was Kate and she was popular.

♪ ♪ So I wrote a note because that's what you did, ♪ ♪ asking Kate if she'd be my girlfriend.

♪ Would you please check Yes and go out with me?

Oh, you just checked No?

Well, I'm not crying 'cause I'm a man and I don't need some girl.

I'll just sit right here in my lonely world.

Sean: Dude, this is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

It's like it opens something up.

♪♪♪♪♪ ♪♪♪♪♪ ♪ Would you like to go on a date with me?

♪ ♪ Oh, you don't?

♪ ♪ That's cool.

♪ ♪ Look at me.

♪ ♪ I'm sobbing 'cause I'm a man ♪ ♪ and I'm home alone and I'm not okay.

♪ ♪ Pick up the phone.

♪ ♪♪♪♪♪ Why, Katie?

♪ Why?

♪ Sean: Thank you very much.

Adam: I'm actually from here, like, from this part, like, from like, Encinitas, Solana Beach area.

I grew up here.

Sean: Got some "Whoos."

Adam: Thank you.

Sean: Yeah, make some noise.

Adam: Thank you.

Sean: I grew up in Omaha, Nebraska.

No one?

Yeah.

Adam: How did you--wait, how did he get more noise than me?

That's crazy.

That's crazy.

Sean: Well, if you're been Adam, you know.

Adam: Yeah, I auditioned actually when I was in high school to be the elephant man in the show at this theater.

Sean: And he doesn't need a costume at all, it's crazy.

Adam: And so it was really nice to just sob on the stage for the first time, 20 years later.

Dreams come true, Dad.

We're here, we're living.

Sean: But these--the first couple of songs we've sang have been about it, you know, the relationship, not working out, but sometimes it does work out.

So all my married people, make some noise.

All right, we wanna know--make some noise if you've been married at least 10 years.

Twenty?

Thirty?

Forty?

Fifty?

Oh, my goodness.

Adam: Wow, that got sad quick.

I liked it.

That felt good.

Have to remember that one.

Fifty years, oh, amazing.

Sixty?

Sean: Sixty?

Wow, congratulations.

Adam: Incredible.

Sixty years, amazing.

That's incredible.

Sean: Adam and I are actually married.

Not to each other but to ladies on the side.

Do you call it on the side?

Adam: A lot of people don't believe us.

They still think we're married together in this room.

Yeah, we are married and we went on our honeymoon together.

Sean: Yeah, again, not together but, like, all four of us went together.

Adam: And then this true story happened.

And it's a pretty big deal.

So this is a love song and it's called the Cayman Islands Sea.

Sean: Or 1983.

♪♪♪♪♪ ♪♪♪♪♪ ♪ Took my love to the Cayman Islands.

♪ ♪ Treated her like a diamond.

♪ ♪ Then she was washed out to sea.

♪ ♪ Bare foot on white sand.

♪ ♪ I was wearing linen pants.

♪ ♪ Then she was washed out to sea.

♪ ♪ It all happened so quick.

♪ ♪ Like she did a magic trick.

♪ ♪ With a flash, she washed out to sea.

♪ ♪ I wonder every single day ♪ ♪ did she turn into a mermaid?

♪ ♪ Probably just drowned horribly.

♪ ♪ My nights are cold, and I'm all alone.

♪ ♪ My bride-to-be was taken by the sea.

♪ ♪ It's not a game like Poseidon's Come Again.

♪ ♪ It's a tragedy, but I'm not even Greek.

♪ ♪ It's a tragedy, but I'm not even Greek.

♪ ♪♪♪♪♪ ♪♪♪♪♪ ♪ Went back to the hotel room.

♪ ♪ Didn't know what to do.

♪ ♪ So then I called the US Embassy.

♪ ♪ They said I might have a problem.

♪ ♪ Was there anyone who saw it?

♪ ♪ The only witness was me and the sea.

♪ ♪ Police came and arrested me.

♪ ♪ Wouldn't listen to my plea.

♪ ♪ I screamed, "I was framed by the sea."

♪ ♪ My cellmate, he looked at me.

♪ ♪ He'd been there since '83.

♪ ♪ He said he had something to say to me: ♪ ♪ "My nights are cold and I'm all alone.

♪ ♪ My wife was also taken by the sea."

♪ ♪ No friggin' way.

♪ ♪ Don't believe a word you say, ♪ ♪ because how many wives are taken by the sea?

♪ ♪ 'Cause how many wives are taken by the sea?

♪ ♪ At least two wives since 1983.

♪ Sean: Thank you so much, everybody.

♪♪♪♪♪ Mark: Give it up for The Show with Adam & Sean.

I would have liked to have seem them as kids, toddlers.

Are you having a good time?

We're gonna keep it moving right along.

This next man coming to the stage was here our first season, our very first season.

He was one of the first comics that hit the stage with us.

Tonight, he's here for you as a headliner.

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for my good friend, Mal Hall.

Mal: Hi, I'm Mal Hall.

I'm really a observational storyteller.

Recently, a new dad.

So now my material is sort of morphing into this family stories.

Previous, it was about being a single guy trying to find love.

And before that, it was being about a single guy, just trying to talk to women, and so.

I'm a loud laugher.

I try to keep it in check because the comedians know my laugh now and there's nothing worse for them but nothing better for me than seeing a comedian, like, really take a swing and miss.

Like, that makes me laugh.

So that's like a--to my--my soul will laugh at that and the comedians know my laugh.

So now they'll call it out, like, "I know that joke didn't work because I could hear Mal laughing right over there."

Mal: Are there parents in here?

Are there parents?

Did parents come out to the show?

Round of applause, If you're parents, how many of you guys are parents that have adult children now?

How many of you guys have children children still?

Couple?

Okay, shout out to you guys.

I shout out to parents that are active duty.

These are all retired.

I shout out parents at all of my shows at the top of the shows now.

I shout out the parents because I'm new to the fraternity.

I'm in the fraternity.

I got two kids.

My son is three, he'll be four next month, and my daughter just turned one.

So that's what I got at the house.

And I shout out parents at the show because I love seeing parents out enjoying their free time.

This is great.

Like, on a school night, you're out here.

That's crazy.

If you don't have kids, if you're in here and you don't have kids, I'm gonna tell you right to your face: You have no idea how much you disrespect your free time.

That's why I shout out to parents.

Enjoy your time.

I'm glad you're here.

Two kids.

I'm a millennial parent, which means I'm a bad parent.

This is not my opinion.

My mom told me and now I fly around the country spreading the news, like, I don't disagree with her.

I think our--my generation is not doing it the best.

Like, we've been, as a species, we've been having babies for thousands of years, thousands of years, and now millennials, it's our turn to sort of be in charge of it.

And for some reason, we've decided that we could do it better.

I think we could.

Let's change--let's change some--I think we could do it-- I think we could do it better.

I don't know what gave us the confidence to think that we could do it better than it's been done forever.

But we're trying and for the veteran parents in here, those of you with adult children, I wanna tell you, we are not doing it well.

We are not.

And I say we just because I am in the generation, but I'm born in 1984.

So I'm on the early side of it.

I can't really--it's hard for me to get used to what parenting looks like now, compared to what it looks like when I was a kid.

Like, they changed so much, so much.

For the veteran parents in here, they changed--they changed the name of the job.

They're not parenting anymore.

They're gentle parenting.

That's how they do it.

We're doing gentle parenting.

We're gonna be gentle as we parent, and it's--that's why everybody hates your kids.

This is a hard job.

It's not a gentle job.

I think you need to get in there.

Do this job.

Gentle parenting.

That's how we're doing.

I can't.

They changed so much.

For the veteran parents in here, did you guys know that you're not allowed to lie to your kids anymore?

They don't like it if you-- you're not allowed to lie to your kids anymore.

Black and Asian, if you're trying to figure my face out, that's what's happening up here.

Both of these cultures lie to their kids.

If you're a person of color in this room, which is probably one or two based on what I'm feeling in here, we were lied to.

Just get a good look at what is--it's gonna be a Ted Talk for a lot of you.

A lot of you are gonna take some notes and a lot of you are gonna learn some things tonight, I feel.

Lying to the kids.

Like, my wife is white.

So my kids are half white, right?

Half-white kids at my house.

If you wanna learn anything about another culture, by the way, find one of them to fall in love with you and have a baby.

You'll learn everything you need to know about that culture.

I'm learning about you white people from the inside.

I'm doing research on how you become the way you are.

My wife was not lied to the way I was lied to.

I found this out recently.

I'm an on-time parent.

On-time parent, right?

Every--you don't have to have kids to get this.

We all have those friends that have one child and then they feel like that they're allowed to show up half an hour late to everything because they got--"I have a baby.

I have a--I have a baby."

Half an hour late, one kid.

They'll show up late to your thing and then they'll make eye contact with you, another adult, and they'll give you that excuse that they think is valid.

They'll look at you and go, "You get it, right?"

They'll point at the kid, "You get it, you get it right?

Because I got a--that's why I'm late because I got a--" I always look at them like, "No, I don't, I don't, I don't get it.

Did the kids drive today?

Is that why?

Because I would--I would get that.

I would say--you drove though, right?

You're in charge?

Yeah, you're late, dude.

We hate you, not the kids.

Don't put it on them."

I'm an on-time parent.

So we're going to an event recently and I'm checking the time and I'm like, "Oh, we better leave.

We better start making some moves.

Otherwise we're gonna be late, right?"

So I said to my son, he's 3 years old.

I said to him, I go, "Hey, man, hey.

I need to see you with some socks and shoes on by the door in the next 2 minutes.

Otherwise we might have to leave you here."

That's what I said to him.

As soon as the last word got out of my mouth, my wife popped up behind me immediately and she was like, "Oh oh oh, we would never leave you here by yourself.

That's child abuse."

I was like, "What the hell are you doing, babe?

Chop me at the legs like this?"

She's like, "You can't lie to him.

You can't lie."

I had to look her right in her face, you guys.

I was like, "That was not a lie.

That was not a lie.

That was motivation.

That was motivation to shake his ass so we could get out of here on time."

That was a real fight we had that day.

That was a real fight.

"You can't lie to him.

I don't want you to lie to him.

You can't lie to him."

I'm like, "He's 3 years old.

I'm not beholden to tell this kid the truth.

Every time I talk to him, I'm not under oath with my son.

What are we doing?"

Been looking forward to lying to my kids.

I'm gonna be honest with you guys.

I think lying to your kids is how you find out if you have a smart kid.

That's how you find out.

Lying to your kids is how you find out if you have a smart kid.

How long does it take for them to realize this is a lie.

If you lie to your kids and they figure it out quickly, that's amazing news for you.

We got a smart kid.

Start making the lies more complex.

Let's work on this.

Let's get some scholarships.

Lie to them better.

If you lie to your kids and they don't figure out the lie quick, it takes them a little while, it takes them a long while.

That's also amazing news for you because now you know who's in your house and you can get used to living with this kid for 35 or 40 years 'cause they're not leaving.

You got a dumb kid.

The lies that I was told, and people that grew up like me, the lies that our parents told us, there was a very specific purpose to the lie.

There wasn't just lying to lie.

There was a purpose to the lie.

And the purpose of the lie was to terrify you, terrify you to your core, to follow the rules that you were asked to do nicely the first time.

Now, you're not following the rules.

Now, I gotta scare you into following the rules, right?

This is just what it was.

This is how I was lied to.

I have vivid memories from elementary school years, right?

Single mom, four kids, a vivid memory, elementary school years.

So like, if we weren't going to bed and we're making noise in the bedroom after we're supposed to be sleeping, my mom would come into the room and she would be like, "Hey, if you guys don't quiet down and go to sleep, they are going to come and take you away from me."

"They," just some nondescript group and we never called her on it.

We were like, "Oh, that does not sound fun.

We better go to sleep right now.

We better."

It was the '90s, dude.

We didn't have smartphones, we couldn't look it up.

"Who are 'they'?"

We just had to take her word for it.

Lied to.

As I bring up this material, do any of you guys remember some lies from your childhood that your parents told to you?

Did any of them stick out, they were kind of funny?

That you wanna share.

female: The neighbor told her kids the walls were hot, so they wouldn't get dirty, and she didn't have to clean them.

Mal: That's hilarious.

If you didn't hear, her neighbors--her neighbor's parents told the kids that the walls are hot, so don't touch them.

So they don't have dirty walls at the house.

Also had dumb kids.

Couldn't just feel that there was no heat coming off of the walls.

female: It's illegal to turn on the dome light in the car.

Mal: Yes!

I'm learning that that's like-- I thought that was just a San Diego--I'm doing--I'm asking people around the country, like, "Our parents told us that you couldn't turn the dome light on in the car or you'd get arrested."

And I'm gonna be 39 this year and to this day, like, I don't know if that's true or not.

So if you're in my car at nighttime and we need to find something, it is on, you find it, and it is off, immediately.

I'm not going to jail because you can't find something.

Any other ones?

female: My mom said if we were bad, she'd sell us to the junk man.

Mal: Sell you to the junk man?

That's hilarious.

That was, like, a common one.

Like, and kids are so dumb, you could trick them with that, that you're gonna give them to someone.

I remember--I remember, I don't know if any of you guys share this, but like, when we would go to Mervyn's or Target or something like that.

Like, my mom would tell us before we went in, she's like, "Don't ask for anything and don't touch anything, right?"

And we were kids so we would be bad.

And once your mom got to the level it would be similar to that.

My mom would be like, "Hey, come here, come here.

You see that man over there, you see that man?"

Just any man.

It was a different man every time.

"You see that man?

Yeah, he takes bad kids, so you can keep being bad if you want.

But you're gonna be going home with that man over there."

Like, oh my God.

Some variation of they're gonna take you or give you to someone else.

Kids are so dumb.

Most people don't want kids.

Who are these people that are just gladly taking the bad ones?

This one, I'm gonna steal.

This guy said that his dad told him that if he see--if he ever hears the ice cream truck playing music in the neighborhood, that means they're out of ice cream.

So, stealing that.

That's a great one.

That's a great lie to tell your kids.

"Son, if you see the ice cream truck next week with no music, I'll get you, for sure, anything you want, but unfortunately, they're out, that's why they're playing the--" Another great one.

This lady--this lady said that her mom told her and her brother that they should never lie to her.

Don't ever lie to Mom because, like, I'll know that you're lying because when kids lie, their foreheads light up.

This woman, she's a woman now.

She sent me this long message.

She was like, "For years, me and my brother never knew why my mom knew that we were lying.

But every time we did lie to my mom, we wore hats or we would cover our foreheads, so she wouldn't see our lie light that was on our forehead."

Lies.

Culturally though, I feel like, you know, people of color have terrifying--we terrify our kids, right?

White parents, you guys lie to your kids too but the lies just sound a lot different.

I hear the lies at the park that white parents tell their kids.

It's pretty crazy.

They're not terrifying at all.

This is a white parent lying to their kid.

"You are the most special child.

You are the most special child in the whole world."

Like, I don't, uh uh.

You guys are cool.

You guys took that.

I think millennial parents are bad parents because they want their kids to like them too early.

It's part of the reason why we're not good parents because we want our kids to like us too early.

I'm born in 1984.

If you're my age or older in this room, do you remember your parents caring if you like them?

Didn't care.

Millennial parents, we care.

Like me, please like me.

Can you like me?

And that's the behavior.

We just do things so our kids-- we want the likes.

We don't care about the love.

"Can you--do you like me, though?

I want you to like me."

Some of the things are really sad that they do.

Some of it's really sad.

I don't know if any of you guys have like guy friend, like dad friends.

You guys have dad friends that introduce their kid to you, like their little kid as their best friend?

That's sad.

"Hey, have you guys--this is my best friend.

Have you met my--this is my best friend."

I'm like, "Eugh."

Like, "Dude, he's 4 and you're 40.

What's your--you need to look yourself in the mirror, buddy, and have some tough questions, I think.

You need to look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself, 'Why don't I have adult friends?

Why don't adults hang out with me?

Why do I have to make my own friends from scratch?'

Have you ever asked yourself?"

"This is my best friend."

There's a lot of veteran parents in here.

There's a lot of parents in here.

Like, you guys have been around these little kids.

It's the funniest thing is asking, like, a 4-year-old who their best friend is.

Hey, buddy, who's your best friend?

He's like, "Well, I found this rock at the park yesterday.

I named him Teddy.

He's my best friend."

You're like, "Oh, what about your dad?"

"No, I like the rock, Teddy."

We want our kids to like us.

Like me.

Well, I know parents want their kids to like them, so they don't say no to their kids.

No is off limits for parents of my generation.

No.

Some of my friends are doing grandparent lines already.

Like, I have a buddy that told me to my face and he's got two kids under five and he told me he's like, "I just can't say No to them.

I can't say No to them."

And I'm like, "Dude, that's-- you're not allowed to say that line yet.

That's a grandparent line.

That's what grandparents say.

'I just can't say No to him.'

That's why he has ice cream for dinner tonight.

I just can't say No.

You're the parent.

You have to say, No, no, no."

You've never been at Target and just heard from around the corner: "No."

Just like--a millennial parent, they don't say it.

Millennial parents will not say No.

Instead they think they're doing a great job if they get down on their kid's level, just as low as they can, to their kid's face.

"Hey, I just wanna make sure that I'm eye to eye with you.

I wanna get down here so you can--I just want you to know that I respect you.

That's why I'm this low.

I know I'm below you now.

So this is actually you're above me and I wanna let you know that's how much I respect you, that I'm down here talking to you.

This is how I wanna communicate.

So you know that I respect you because I'm--just so you know you're respected."

And they don't say No but they'll say things like, "Excuse me.

Excuse me, can you, can you please, can you plea--thank you so much.

Excuse me, can you please, please, please?

Thank you so much."

People that are my age or older, do you guys remember your parents saying "Ple--please?"

"You're not homeless."

That's all the please and thank you that we got.

Please?

I realize what it is.

I've been thinking about this a lot.

Millennial parents, what we've done is we've changed the punctuation on parenting.

Every single one of you, I can see you guys are in here, you're my age and older.

Every single one of us was raised with period parenting.

That's how our parents raised us.

Period parenting.

"Hey, come here," period.

We're like, "Oh, okay.

I guess I gotta go there.

That was the only option given actually.

So I'm gonna go ahead and--" "Hey, go to bed.

It's bed, go to bed," period.

Like, "Oh, okay, I guess it's time to go night-night.

I better go to--" That's our whole childhood.

We're just taking orders.

"Hey, come here, come here.

I need you to be in this area.

I don't wanna hear you at all.

Just be in this area.

I wanna see you but I don't wanna--just be quiet, right over here."

Actually, now that I think about it, "Go outside and play and I don't wanna hear you outside until I call you back in here."

Our whole childhood was where do we go to shut the hell up?

Is it right over here?

No?

Okay, I'll be over here and shut the hell up right over here.

Not us though.

That's not how we do it, you guys.

We've changed the punctuation.

There's no more period.

We have a big old question mark, that's what we do.

Question mark.

You guys ever--I bet it's painful for some of you, like, veteran parents when you see some of the young parents out trying to wrangle their kids.

It's embarrassing.

It's embarrassing.

You'll see--you'll see, like, a millennial mom and she'd be like, "Excuse me, bud.

Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

Can you come here, please?"

Big question mark.

"Can you come here, please?

Can you please come here?"

And the kid's like, "No," period.

Like, "Oh my God.

Oh my God."

Ironically, the kid's the only one that says No anymore at the house.

"No."

Have you ever been standing next to a parent and their kid says No to them so aggressive that you feel it in your soul?

You're like, "Oh my God.

Oh my God.

I can't wait to see the punishment on the--" There's never a punishment.

Gentle parenting requires zero punishment.

No punishment.

I have a friend that's gentle parenting her kid.

We were over at the house the other day and she asked her son, "Can you come here, please?"

And he was like, "No!"

Just a big, "No."

It was like, and that came with a middle finger implied, just like "No!"

And I felt it and I stood next to her and I was like, "I can't wait to see how she punishes this kid.

That was--" I know I'm not the only parent in here that enjoys, "What, like, how do you do it?

How do you--" It's disappointing.

There was no punishment.

She turned to me.

She's a gentle parent.

She turned to me and she started using gentle parent terms that I didn't even--I don't--couldn't compute in my analog parent brain.

Kid said "No!"

And then she looked at me and she was like, "Oh, I forgot.

It's Wednesday."

She said, "He has big feelings on Wednesday.

It's a big feeling."

New parents will try to rope you into how they do it, like, "You get it, right?

Big--you guys have big feeling, Wednesdays?"

I'm like, "I do not.

No, what the hell is--what are big feelings?"

"He has big feelings."

It's options.

That's what it boils down to, everybody, is options.

Most of us in this room were raised without options.

Our parents just told us what it was and it was fine and we're all alive and thriving.

But millennial parents, we've decided we have to--you have to give every option or you're not doing it, right?

It happens in my house.

Like, some of these are observations that I get in society and some of them happen in my house.

My son has options I never had.

He's 3 years old.

This kid wakes up every morning.

He comes to the kitchen and my wife says to a 3-year-old, she goes, "Kaleno, what do you want for breakfast today?"

Like, it's Tuesday, it's not his birthday.

Why?

Why does he get to pick?

I don't know if any of you guys have ever traveled around the country telling jokes to make money to buy your family food and then you buy said food and then you watch a 3-year-old look at all the food that you've worked hard to buy and think to himself with his 3-year-old head, "What do I want for breakfast today?"

It's in--it's upsetting.

Most of us in this room grew up with the same two options for breakfast and we came out.

You guys remember the options?

Whatever your parents put on the table or starve, those were the two options, and none of us starved ourselves.

We're all alive.

Millennial parents are running diners at the house.

It's everything is an option.

Taking orders every morning.

"What could--I am here to take your order for breakfast.

Yeah.

What could I get you started with?

I just want to take it down.

Well, what could I get you started with today?

Blueberries?

Ooh, great choice.

Blueberries.

What else could I get you?

Waffles?

Okay, before I put waffles down, I need to ask what kind of waffles would you like?

Oh, blueberry waffles?

Okay, it's a blueberry breakfast today.

What else could I get you?

Eggs?

Okay, again, before I put it down, I need to ask, how would you like the eggs prepared?

How would you like it?

Egg white, scrambled?

Oh, okay, look at, normally, egg whites is a dollar more.

But you're my friend, so I'll go ahead and hook it up for you."

I like being a parent because I learn stuff about myself through my kids.

I think that's probably one of the greatest parts of it.

Recently, in the past year, I've learned my biggest fear through my son.

My biggest fear in life is reading out loud in public.

That's my biggest fear.

Reading out loud in public.

Biggest fear, because I'm a slow reader.

I'm a very slow reader, right?

And I know there are other slow readers in this room and none of us are proud of this.

No one's proud to be a slow reader.

And I could also tell just from the front here, there's a lot of kind of crappy little grins and little giggles happening in the front and those are the fast readers with no empathy.

Slow readers, have you ever had this happen?

You're ever hanging out with a friend and they're reading something on their phone?

They're like, "Oh my God, read this," and you're like, "What the hell, dude?"

Panic attack, panic attack.

I'll be honest with you guys, when people hold phones up to me, I don't read one word, right?

I just watch their face.

As soon as their face changes, I just mirror whatever emotion was coming at me, I mirror it right back on them.

So they're like, "Oh my God, read this."

I just watch their face and as soon as it changes, I'm like, "So funny."

Don't read one word, not one word on the phone.

I think it doesn't matter what color we are.

We all, as humans, we all share the same pastime.

Every single one of us in here.

We love people watching.

People watching is, like, our number one--like, as a human, if you're having a bad day, nothing turns your day around quicker than going out into society, looking at a complete stranger and then judging everything about their life.

I feel great.

I'm feeling better already.

I'm not that, you know?

More than people watching, I've learned that I love eavesdropping.

I'm a eavesdropper.

I love eavesdropping.

Eavesdropping, to me, is like people watching but with the sound on.

You could hear, what are you saying?

I'm at the park with my son and it's around the time where I'm ready to leave.

So I say to my son, I go, "Hey man, hey.

Six minutes and we're going home."

And he goes, "Okay," and he goes back to playing.

He's a good kid.

Now, for the active parents in the room, I never shout a round number, okay?

It's never 5, 10, 15.

It's always 6, 9, 13.

And I do that for me.

I do that for me, 'cause I love shouting this random number, then watching the faces of the other parents at the park.

They look up like, "Oh why--why 6 minutes?

It's so specific.

Why?"

This mom approaches me.

I had talked to her earlier in the day, and she goes--she goes, "Excuse me, can I give you a pro tip?"

And I was like, Whoa, just so bold and just to be fair to the situation, I was not wearing a T-shirt that day that said, "I need help, please."

She said, "Could I give you a pro tip?"

The first thought that went through my head is, "Your daughter's two.

My son's three.

I don't know how you're pro already, but I would love--I would love to hear this pro tip."

Before I get into the tip, I do want to say whatever you're picturing in your head right now for Olivia's mom, it's accurate.

That's exactly.

I don't know who you're picturing, but that's exactly who it is.

She goes, "If you want your son to know it's time to go home and you want him to go home when you want him to go home, all you have to do is tell him you're gonna set a timer on your phone and when he hears the timer go off, he'll know it's time to go home."

And I was like, "Oh, ho ho.

No, thank you.

I'm gonna pass.

I'm a hard pass on that tip.

Actually, I'm actually raising a human at the house, so, not a Pavlov dog.

That's number one.

Number two, Olivia's mom, let me tell you why my way is better, okay?

Because when I tell this kid, 6 minutes, that really means 2 minutes, all right?

I lie to my kids.

Kid is 3 years old.

He has no concept of time.

Sometimes 6 minutes is 2 minutes, sometimes 6 minutes is 15 minutes.

But whenever I'm ready to go, I'm like, 'Hey man, that's 6 minutes.

Let's get the heck out of here.'"

My name is Mal Hall.

You guys have a good night.

♪♪♪♪♪ Mark: Give it up for Mal Hall.

♪♪♪♪♪ ♪♪♪♪♪