One minute, please.

Hi, I'm Sophie Straw.

I'm in The Jim and Barbara Show.

RECEPTIONIST: Sophie Straw.

Oh, yeah.

-Would you like to go through?

-Thank you.

All right.

SHE CHUCKLES MAN: It's got Clive Richardson in.

From the wireless, The Awkward Squads.

WOMAN: Oh, he's easy on the eye.

The first time I ever felt nervous... WOMAN ON RADIO:...that Sophie Straw, or whatever she calls herself.

Oh, yeah, I'll bet she was rubbish.

-BARBARA: Den.

-Everything all right?

WOMAN ON RADIO: ...some show at Clacton.. BARBARA: I've never even been to Clacton.

WOMAN ON RADIO: She couldn't act for toffee.

RADIO STOPS What if I mess it up?

Hi Soph, we've got some last-minute script changes.

We've done a tiny rewrite on the opening scene.

-Right.

-All right.

-So... -I can't learn all that!

Den, is it too late to recast?

-What?

-They're kidding, Sophie.

Jesus Christ, you two.

It's her first time, so knock it off.

Sorry, Soph.

We wanted to say break a leg.

Why?

No, no, no, no, no.

Soph, it's just actor speak for good luck.

Yeah, because it's bad luck to say good luck.

Fuck, I just said good luck.

Oh.

-What if I mess it up?

-CLIVE: Look, Sophie.

Even if you fluff a line, I'll make up a little joke about how it's your first time.

Right.

Everyone out of Sophie's dressing room right now.

Not you, Sophie.

Den, what if you've made a mistake?

What if I can't do it?

I haven't made a mistake and you can do it, and this is all nerves.

It's quite natural, but you can use it.

You can use the nerves as a sort of fuel.

I don't know what you're on about, Dennis.

Once you're out there in front of an audience, you'll be fine.

Trust me.

You're a natural.

You're brilliant.

SHE SCOFFS You're Sophie Straw.

SHE EXHALES Now there is a hair curler still in your hair.

Oh.

Yeah.

Now take a deep breath... SHE INHALES and you're ready to go.

It's show time.

You can breathe out.

SHE EXHALES SHE GROANS So in this Comedy Playhouse, Jim works for the Foreign Office.

AUDIENCE: Ooo!

And Barbara is his cleaning lady from up north.

AUDIENCE LAUGH SHE GROANS Oh, no!

-Just a minute!

-We need you on set, Miss Straw.

So after three, three!

AUDIENCE LAUGH That's wonderful, wonderful, yes.

So now let's make that laugh a bit bigger if we can.

Great pep talk, Dennis.

She's not coming out now.

Sophie?

Slight costume issue.

-What's happening?

-Slight costume issue.

Imagine your mother-in-law breaks wind at a wedding.

AUDIENCE LAUGH That's it, very good.

Well, now that we... RUNNER: Haven't got the cast yet, Bert.

We need to knock back the recording time.

WARM UP: ...get to know each other, so everybody..

Seriously, who the fuck does she think she is, Shirley Bassey?

Get Polly.

-Bollocks to it.

-BARBARA: No!

Take a seat.

Well done, everybody, well done.

Oh, I've got a man there who's showing me how to wind wool.

But I think he's saying, "Keep going, keep going."

Yes, apparently the cast must still be in the bar.

So... POLLY: Shit!

We haven't got another pair.

I don't know why I've come on.

I'm not due for another week.

Nerves.

Your cycle's out of sync.

-BARABARA: I've not used one of them.

-How old are you?

My Aunty Marie disapproved.

Don't ask.

-Haven't you got a pad?

-No.

Just get those trousers off and shove it up.

-All right.

-DENNIS: Can I help?

-No.

-POLLY: No.

I thought this might happen.

She hasn't had drama school training.

She's bottled it.

No.

RUNNER: Sophie's still not ready to record HE GROANS Where's the fucking talent?

WARM UP: Everybody up, come on, up.

Now when I say... -This thing hurts!

-Don't ram it up your wee hole.

Right.

BERT: If you don't come out this instant, you little diva, I will kick the bloody door down.

BERT FALLS AND GROANS Let's go do a show.

Why is she wearing jeans?

WARM UP: I'm sure the cast are still in the bar.

So I wonder, maybe I should find out where everybody's from.

-So anyone from Outer London?

-Yes.

Oh, you, sir.

I don't suppose you saw the cast there, did you?

I wonder where they are.

Oh, ladies and gentlemen, they are back from their holidays.

Let me introduce Dennis Mahindra, the producer.

AUDIENCE CHEER AND APPLAUD -What the fuck?

-I'm so sorry.

-Well, hello, everyone.

-WOMAN: Hello.

Apologies for the slight delay.

None of us could find the on switch for the cameras.

-Would you like to meet the cast?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

Very good.

So playing Jim, the political hotshot, is a man with a glittering career on stage and screen, the pinnacle of which is, of course, playing Captain Smythe in The Awkward Squad.

-I give you the one and only... -AUDIENCE: Clive Richardson!

APPLAUSE WOMAN: Hi, Clive!

-Who's in charge here?

-You are!

Okay, great.

And playing Barbara, the cleaner with a difference, introducing our hugely talented newcomer, Miss Sophie Straw.

Hiya.

Good luck.

Enjoy the show.

First positions, please.

Hello, boys and girls.

Let's go for a take then.

-FLOOR MANAGER: Twelve to thirteen.

-PRODUCER: Shot one.

Camera two.

BERT: And action!

CLIVE: Of course, Cicely.

There's absolutely no other woman in my life.

Jim?

Shall I flick it on your knick-knacks?

Cicely, please.

My boss and his wife are on their way over here.

Now I am due a promotion and they're expecting to meet you.

And without you, Cicely, I...

PHONE LINE CUTS OUT Cicely.

Ci... Oh, God!

What am I going to do?

AUDIENCE LAUGH PRODUCER: Shot 62, coming to camera three.

CLIVE: Let's try this one more time.

"Hello, I'm Cicely.

How lovely to meet you."

(IN POSH VOICE) Hello, I'm Cicely.

How lovely to meet you.

CLIVE: No, no, no.

No.

I'm Cicely.

Oh, so you're Cicely now?

Does that mean I am Jim?

-That would be a bit of a stretch.

-What?

No, no, no.

-Can't I just be myself?

-No, absolutely not, no.

-You're from Liverpool.

-Blackpool.

Either way, he's not going to understand a word.

Look, perhaps it's better if you don't actually speak at all.

Just make noises.

SHE BLOWS RASPBERRY CLIVE: No, not that one.

Off you trot to the kitchen to prepare the hors d'oeuvres.

The what?

Ooh, hello.

SHE SQUEAKS Here she is.

The hostess with the mostest.

BARBARA SQUEAKS BARBARA HUMS AND SQUEAKS Oh, shit!

I mean, (IN HIGH VOICE) shit!

BERT: Right.

First positions, we have to go again.

We need to go again.

He says he...

He says we have to do it again.

So sorry, everyone.

They should have splashed out and got a proper actress.

BERT: And tell Sophie Straw not to hit the ruddy camera.

SHE SQUEAKS Do tuck in, sir.

Is that it?

I'm famished.

Come on, sir.

That's very nearly a mouthful.

AUDIENCE LAUGH SOFTLY BILL: Fucking audience!

Wouldn't have hurt them to laugh a bit more.

It's free.

It does take them some time to warm up.

You'll tell us soon they were laughing inside.

Didn't help Sophie was determined to bump into the camera.

They really laughed at that.

Where is Sophie?

Den, mate, what did Ted Sargent say?

CLIVE: Well, he's not here.

He usually sticks his head in if the show went well, so... That's it, then.

We're fucked.

Ted Sargent hated it.

Will you all just calm down?

He didn't give anything away at all.

Well done tonight.

You were great.

Even managed to upstage Clive.

Not deliberately.

Thanks for saving me.

Here.

-Trust me, they are the future.

-Thank you.

See you.

SHE EXHALES Sophie?

We're all in the bar.

I'm sorry, Dennis.

I can't stay.

Well, well done for tonight.

Did Ted Sargent like it?

Bits of it.

Sophie, is everything all right?

My dad was rushed into hospital last night and I... DENNIS: Oh, my goodness.

...need to get the last train home in case... Well, in case.

Is there anything that I can do?

Don't worry about the show.

Safe journey.

I'll... let you know what happens.

Oh.

She came then, did she, her ladyship?

The girl who had better things to do than rush to her father's deathbed?

Deathbed?

I've had a stroke.

I've already told Dad how sorry I am I couldn't come.

You'd better have a good excuse.

She's going to be on the telly.

And I've got a ten-foot tail.

Aunty Marie, I've been acting in a TV Comedy Playhouse, if I'd have come yesterday, I'd have lost my chance.

Is this one of your tall stories, Barbara?

Like when you told everyone your mother had been abducted by aliens?

AIDEN: You did the TV show then?

And was it worth it?

My dad's poorly, so I'm just here to settle his bill.

Tell Mr. Parker it's on the house.

Oh.

Thank you.

We could have had it all, you and me.

We were golden.

King and Queen of Blackpool.

Right.

ANNOUNCER ON RADIO: Captain Smythe was played by... -BARBARA: Clive Richardson!

-GEORGE: Clive Richardson!

MARIE: You two and your radio.

-Oh, Marie, put your feet up a minute.

-I haven't got a minute.

The whole boarding house is in a state after that Scottish family left.

I swear they had rabbits with them.

There were pellets all over the floor.

Can't believe our little Barbara's going to be on the telly.

Here, Dad.

Do you want the blanket?

Yeah, go on, then.

It's free.

BARBARA: Well, he seems much better.

-When do they expect him back at work?

-They don't.

He won't be going back.

He's a liability.

It's harsh, but there we are.

Aunty Marie, no.

I know you think this is all my fault.

It's not been ideal, but he's not been right ever since your mother broke his heart.

Oh, he gave us a terrible scare.

Terrible, terrible.

Come here.

I just don't know what to do.

Him sick and you gone.

I am at capacity with everything and I can't split myself in two.

-It's all right, Aunty Marie.

-No.

Have a sip of tea.

My little London adventure's over.

I am back now.

There you go.

SHE GROANS You've put in too many leaves.

It tastes like soot.

Oh, Barbara.

Maybe not those flutes, Bill.

Sorry.

They're a bit of a family heirloom.

Wow, that's posh.

The only thing I ever inherited was acne.

I hope you like the show, Edith.

Well, a bit late if she doesn't.

The show's on TV in... Now.

Well, why wouldn't I like it?

Well, be honest, Edith.

Is comedy really your thing?

Nonsense.

Edith has a great sense of humor.

What was it that really made you giggle the other day?

When you mispronounced the word "embourgeoisement".

CLIVE: Right, right, right, right.

MARIE: Is it starting?

What?

It's a special occasion.

Cicely.

Cicely, darling, why?

I mean, what's wrong?

GEORGE: It's our Barbara!

Oh, my God.

My face looks all mad wonky.

Jim?

Shall I flick it on your knick-knacks?

CLIVE: Just make noises.

SHE BLOWS RASPBERRY No, not that.

CLIVE: Off you trot to the kitchen to prepare the hors d'oeuvres.

BARBARA: The what?

BOSS: Is that it?

I'm famished.

CLIVE: Come on, sir.

That's very nearly a mouthful.

Could have sworn I got a bigger laugh on the night.

We had to use the second take.

The audience are always more muted.

You could have nicked it from Sophie bumping into the camera.

Fuck off.

I don't need her laughter off-cuts.

You must give me that recipe.

BOSS: Come on.

It's so nice to see a young couple so much in love.

-GEORGE: Hey, it's your name.

-MARIE: Well, your stage name.

Well, that's very professional.

Very good, love.

I wasn't sure about all the kissing and cuddling at the end.

They're not married, are they, Jim and Barbara?

That's the point.

It's modern.

GEORGE: Well, perhaps we should have some of the proper stuff, then.

-Are we having a celebratory schooner?

-GEORGE: Well.

Well, we should make the most of it because it's probably just a one-off.

Well, whatever happens, love... you've made us ever so proud.

What do you think, Den?

Will Ted grant us a series?

Well, I think he'll wait for the ratings and the reviews to come in first.

CLIVE: If he doesn't give us a show, fuck him.

His loss.

I am up for a huge part in a film with Julie Christie.

DENNIS: We're trying to do something different here.

Give us that chance.

The Comedy Playhouse was that chance.

This is a television network and not an experimental theater group.

Tony and Bill, they're not just writing a comedy about an odd couple falling in love.

They're challenging expectations.

They're challenging, according to the press.

Reviews are lukewarm.

Yes, but the one thing they all agree on is Sophie Straw.

In an otherwise underwhelming effort, et cetera-- Yes.

Newcomer, Sophie Straw, is certainly the one to watch.

It would have been helpful if she'd watched.

First rule of live recording is don't bump into the furniture, let alone the cameras.

Yes, but she scored a laugh off it.

Most other actors would have just crumbled.

She's raw but she connects with the audience.

She certainly seems to have connected with you.

She's a find.

Let me direct it.

I know what this show can be.

PHONE RINGS Hello?

4758.

Yes.

Oh, yes.

On the mend, thank you, Mr. Mahindra.

Yes, yes, just a minute.

Hello?

Yep.

Okay.

I understand.

Yeah.

Thanks for letting me know.

-All right?

-Mmm-hmm.

It's probably for the best.

You couldn't have done it anyway.

GEORGE SIGHS I'm so sorry, love.

Ted Sargent said yes.

You what...

He said yes?

We've got your hospital check-up next week.

Maybe we should go for a walk on the promenade if you get the all-clear.

And we need some more potatoes, yes.

Umm.

Listen, if you don't go to London straight away and do that show...

I swear I'm gonna have another stroke.

-MARIE: But she's needed here.

-Marie, no.

-George, she can't come and go as she-- -GEORGE: Just shut it!

All right?

Yeah.

THEY CHATTER AND LAUGH What does a girl gotta do to get a drink around here?

-BILL: It's Sophie Straw from television!

-Hi, Dennis.

Good to see you.

Christ, Den, pump her arm any harder, water will come out her mouth.

Yes, I'm sorry.

Come on, then.

Tell me what's been happening.

Well...

So the good news is, Ted wants the first show on air in just over six weeks.

And the bad news is... Ted wants the first show on air in just over six weeks.

This is an opportunity for us to do something original.

Yes.

We pushed the boundaries with the pilot, and now we can talk about all the things we want to talk about.

-Poverty and privilege.

-Oh, yes.

Sexual revolution, gender inequality.

Absolutely anything we want.

Just the thought of it gives me a bowel movement.

BARBARA: I need that drink.

You've some catching up to do.

Get that down.

No, no, no.

These thugs don't know how to treat a lady, right?

Why don't I get you a nice little cocktail?

Thanks, Clive.

All right!

-What's that?

-That's a whiskey.

Wow.

BILL: You're good.

-Nice!

-TONY: She's got it.

Yes, yes, yes, yes!

And not forgetting.

My God!

THEY CHATTER AND LAUGH SHE BURPS THEY LAUGH -Oh, my God!

Soph!

-CLIVE: Disgusting.

I've never seen... Could you keep the racket down, please?

I'm joking.

Oh, my God!

THEY LAUGH Gosh, I didn't even know you were here.

Having a brainstorm with my editorial team.

-Hi.

-MAN: Hello.

Robbie.

-Hi, I'm Sophie Straw.

-Edith.

Dennis' wife.

-Well, congratulations.

-Oh, yeah, thank you.

Thanks very much.

-See you tonight, darling.

-Yes.

BILL: Right, well, I make it you owe me four whiskies, two beers and a lady cocktail.

CLIVE: Yes, I was...

It's good to be back.

Did you miss me?

It says, "Newcomer, Sophie Straw, who looks like a cross between Brigitte Bardot and the girl next door."

Your new best mate Diane seems to think you're the next big thing.

Well, I didn't bring Diane back a stick of this, did I?

Am I meant to bite it or suck it?

I'd say that's entirely down to personal preference, Marjorie.

Oh, come on, give us a hug.

Get off me.

The first episode's gotta really set its stall out.

Like Den says, it needs to be original, edgy, politically challenging and satirical.

DENNIS: So managed to write any groundbreaking comedy yet?

So far, Tony's come up with a great one.

Barbara and Jim are a couple.

-You gotta admit it's good.

-Television awards all round.

Here we are.

We'd make a great couple, Den.

Chin-chin.

I wish Jim could be queer.

That's a great set-up, right, Ton?

The married homosexual.

That's edgy and original.

And it would get us fired by Ted Sargent.

Yeah, Tony's right.

It's a good idea though.

I don't think TV is quite ready.

A Night with Val Doonican!

BRIAN LAUGHS That old Irish rocking chair fella wants to spend the night with me?

He's 36 years old.

And don't flatter yourself.

A Night with Val Doonican is only the most successful TV light entertainment variety show on air.

And they want you for a guest appearance.

They've got a wonderful idea for a sketch.

Val doesn't understand a word you're saying because you're Blackpudlian.

And you take the mickey out of him because of his Irish brogue.

So basically we're just making fun of our accents?

Yeah.

Bill and Tony would say that's a cheap laugh.

Try telling that to Peter Sellers.

Now, while those beatnik scribes pen you a series, I shall single-handedly mastermind the next step.

Well, here's a thought.

We could confront an issue that many people struggle with on their wedding night, but won't discuss.

-Constipation?

-No, Tony.

Sex.

Isn't that what most people do when the wedding guests have gone?

Cor blimey, tiger.

Revealing yourself there a bit, Den.

What do you think, Tony?

Barbara and Jim are married, but they haven't had sex.

Is that realistic?

Bill, mate.

Because, well, maybe one of them's got a psychological problem.

Well, frigid wives have been seen before, Bill.

I don't think it's the wife that's got the problem.

Interesting.

Start typing, Tony.

BRIAN: Now look here.

I don't say this to many of my girls, but there are times in your career where the tide turns and pulls you inexorably towards your destiny, towards stardom.

It happened to me, and to Patsy too, although obviously to a lesser extent, and now it's happening to you.

So keep your sails trimmed, your fingers crossed, and let's hope for green lights all the way.

Green lights!

Green lights.

All the way!

Oh, darling, Diane Lewis called for you.

She would love to do another interview with you.

Oh, well, I really like Diane, but I'm not sure I've got much more to divulge to Cherry magazine.

Oh, well, she's not with Cherry any more, darling, she's with Nova.

They're billing it as "a new kind of magazine for a new kind of woman."

What's wrong with the old kind of woman?

Well, anyway, Diane would love to take you shopping later.

Yes, just a relaxed, "two girls having fun in private" type thing.

With a photographer.

Oh, you can get a new dress for the Val Doonican.

Shall I let them know it's a yes?

Patsy, get Val on the telephone now.

Yes, all right.

Wow, so this is where you used to work?

This is where my mum gets her girdles.

-MARJORIE: Barb.

-Marj!

-This is my flatmate Marjorie.

-Hi.

Marj, this is the photographer, Ari, and Diane.

It's so great to meet you.

I've heard loads about you.

Likewise, yeah.

No, I won't shake your hand.

No, no, it's just I've had me mitts on feet all day so they smell like... bumhole.

Let's go.

Hi.

Hi.

WOMAN: Yeah, that's her.

Hello?

Excuse me.

What's going on here?

What are you all doing here?

You've got work to go to.

Shoo!

Shoo!

LADIES WHISPER AND MUTTER Madam, may I be of service?

Miss Sykes.

Long time no see.

I see you haven't shifted the badger.

How does it look?

Absolutely perfect.

(WHISPERS) You dirty little show-off!

Give it!

I mean it.

Give it!

-Get it off your... -What are you gonna do, fire me again?

MISS SYKES GASPS MISS SYKES: Stop!

BARBARA LAUGHS MISS SYKES: Security!

Security.

BARBARA WHOOPS AND LAUGHS No, stop!

What are you doing?

Don't touch... Stop.

Hey!

So, what are you interviewing women about now then?

Divorce, careers, (WHISPERS) orgasms.

Oh, crikey!

That's a bit racy for an ordinary girl from Blackpool.

If you were an ordinary girl from Blackpool, you would still be there.

What about this for the Val Doonican Show tomorrow?

Yes, great.

Your nan would love it.

Try this... instead.

Diane!

That's basically just a bag of glitter.

I wore more when I was fan dancing at the Whisky Cat Club.

Go on.

Dare you.

VAL: Our next guest has just wowed audiences in a Comedy Playhouse as beautiful Barbara from Blackpool.

Please welcome the lovely Miss Sophie Straw.

Ta-da!

Ta-da!

That'd give me wind.

Sardines.

I think they're just posh pilchards.

-I got them in a delicatessen.

-Delica-what?

New hair, posh pilchards, wine for tea.

-Nah, you've changed.

-You're right.

I really have changed.

VAL: It's the lovely Miss Sophie Straw.

Come on.

Sophie, meet TV's Mr. Magic.

-Hello.

-Pretty little thing you are.

Oh, my effing God!

Could you not afford the other half of the dress?

I may be a magician, but it is gonna take an absolute miracle to keep that dress in place.

Oh, I think we'll be fine as long as I don't sneeze.

Does anyone have any pepper?

Pepper?

Salt?

Oh, I think you're salty enough, mate.

VAL LAUGHS Guess what?

I'm interviewing Jacob Bronowski.

Vernon's been grilling me all day on The Identity of Man.

Right.

Sorry.

It doesn't matter.

Go back to your dumb blonde on her variety show.

She's not dumb, actually.

And she's not blonde, actually.

VAL: I do believe we have a special guest tonight.

Roy Target and Chuffy.

That was low.

Sorry.

Well, it's not like you.

EDITH: It's not like me to feel threatened.

No!

TV AUDIENCE LAUGH BARBARA: Fan mail.

I got actual fan mail?

One letter.

When I represented Diana Dors, she got two huge sacks every day.

Oh, crikey.

On which note, Mr. Magic telephoned, darling.

He was very impressed with you on the Val Doonican Show.

He made an impression on me.

His breath smelled of eggnog.

Well, he would love to take you out.

Oh!

No.

All right, we'll politely decline.

I'm sure there's another young starlet who's very happy to be dragged to the Vaults of St. James.

I hear it's the grooviest nightclub around.

Maybe I'll check my diary.

Put your sunglasses on because you are about to be blinded.

Jimmy boy, snap away.

Sorry, sir, you're not on the list.

HE SCOFFS I'm Mr. Magic.

Still not on the list.

It normally works.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Johnny!

Johnny!

Johnny!

Johnny!

Johnny!

Johnny!

Johnny!

-Oh, my God, Sophie!

-Diane!

I don't know what this list is, but we're not on it.

-Ron, darling, they're with me.

-Yes, ma'am.

May I have the honor?

Of course, it was me who invented the disappearing bra trick.

I whip off the brassiere using only my telekinetic powers.

Would you like a demonstration?

If you're wearing one.

DIANE: Hiya.

BARBARA: Who's that?

Johnny.

He's totally off his chonk, but he wants to say hello.

Oh, right.

DIANE: Hello.

Sorry.

-Oh, gosh.

-VAL: It's all right.

Allow me.

Hey, babe.

-We've met before, right?

-I don't think so, babe.

I checked you out grooving with your granddad.

-What did he say?

What did you say?

-That you're groovy.

Right.

Is that a good thing?

-Yes.

-It's a good thing.

Thanks.

That's TV's Mr. Magic, that is.

Well, he should magically make himself disappear, shouldn't he?

-Back to 1952.

-VAL: Why don't you pick a card?

Hey, we're all heading to a party.

You should ditch him and come with me.

-It's past my bedtime.

-I've got something that will keep you up.

VAL: Now don't tell me the card.

I shall shield my eyes.

Sniff it.

SHE COUGHS Oh, no.

Sorry!

Fucking hell!

-What the fuck are you doing?

-DIANE: Come on, come on, let's split!

Come on!

And as if by... Show us your magic wand, then.

Fuck off!

-BARBARA: Come on!

Let's go!

-DIANE: Oh, no.

THEY WHOOP AND LAUGH Pretty good.

Why that?

Sorry, I'm late.

I got me stiletto stuck in a manhole.

She never disappoints.

TONY: Congrats on the Doonican show.

BILL: Well done, Soph.

-Hello, Sophie.

-Hi, Dennis.

What the fuck, Clive?

You never heard of the classic script sniff?

I heard Hancock used to do it to grade how funny a script smelt out of ten.

-You smell funny.

-Get off!

This is Brut by Faberge.

More like shit by toilet spray.

Well, I think you smell nice.

BILL OOHS -Oh, you're five years old.

-Yes, it'll soon be their nap time.

-Why don't we get it on its feet?

-Yeah.

DENNIS: So... episode one, Trouble Down Below.

Right, kick that.

Very good.

So back, that's the reveal... Then I bash me head.

CLIVE: Could do a little more... Has to be dramatic.

Not to your face.

Are we good?

TONY: It's not a real door.

-BARBARA: Oh, God.

-CLIVE: Try again.

CLIVE GRUNTS BILL AND TONY CHEER I'm all right.

Very good.

So then finally Barbara and Jim are actually in the bed, and then you emerge from the covers.

"Limp as a noodle?"

Does that mean we're saying-- So are we actually saying that I'm impotent?

Well, we're implying that-- Barbara is sexually experienced, yeah.

-Sorry, Soph, is that a problem?

-BARBARA: Bloody hell!

Me dad and Aunty Marie and the neighbors will be watching.

Well, you explain to your family that the show isn't real.

I don't think they've got the hang of it because Barbara is from Blackpool and I'm from Blackpool and she's called Barbara and I'm called Barbara.

It's confusing.

It is.

You're called Barbara?

Well, I used to be.

-What?

When?

What?

-When?

Until the day you met me.

Why didn't you say anything when we called your character Barbara?

I didn't know I was allowed to, and you-- CLIVE: Excuse me.

Sorry, darling, sorry.

Can we park that and talk about me for a second?

Are we actually saying that I can't get it up?

Wait, now you're doing it.

Jim's not real.

Yes, we are saying that Jim can't get it up.

-Have I ever got it up?

-Not in our comic universe, no.

Okay.

So we're basically saying I'm a virgin?

I mean, people won't buy it.

I mean, look at me.

Hello.

Fuck me!

That should be on your gravestone.

"Clive Richardson, too good-looking to be a virgin."

Your character has a psychological block.

I could probably sue you for this.

Slander, libel.

There must be something.

I'd go to trial every day if that went to court.

We're just trying to make it real for the audience.

Lots of couples have problems.

-Well, I don't.

-You're not you, you're Jim.

Maybe Barbara could be upset and think it's her fault.

No, that is a lot more realistic.

-Thank you, darling.

-BILL: Why should it be her fault?

She's not responsible for your hydraulic failure.

Christ!

So that's what hydraulic failure actually means.

He's got something wrong with his knob.

With his head.

It's psychological.

-I like it.

It's modern.

-CLIVE: Of course you fucking do.

You're not the one with erectile dysfunction.

I like that Jim's upset.

Shows he's not afraid to show his emotional side.

I think that's... sexy in a fella.

Is it?

Anyway, what happens next though?

I mean, he can't just stay limp.

What's the solution, chaps?

With my ex, it was a bag of chips and a pickled egg.

Well, all right, we'll work on it.

You two, go and have lunch on the production.

Tony and Bill, back to the typewriter.

May I, darling?

Yes, you may .

THEY CHUCKLE BARBARA: I've heard about this place.

Doesn't Mick Jagger come here?

Maybe.

You know, I hadn't noticed.

I can't believe they just let us walk straight in.

Thank you.

When I went to that club with Mr. Magic, they weren't interested, and he's a really well-known face.

Well-known farce, more like.

And thank you.

Frankly, well, he's no Clive Richardson.

SHE SNIGGERS CLIVE: I'm only joking.

Don't look, but over there is Terence Stamp and The Shrimp.

Oh, my God!

She is gorgeous.

Well, you didn't exactly do badly when God was handing out looks.

Uh... Well, nor did you.

So... CLIVE: We're all just looking at that sunrise and then the boat rocked which was massive-- Let us toast, the beautiful TV lovebirds.

-Oh, thank you, Mario.

-Thank you.

Cheers, darling.

Down the hatch.

Delicious.

Everybody seems to be staring at us, Sophie Straw.

How about we give them something to talk about, hey?

Follow my lead.

You know, Sophie...

I have never met anyone like you.

What, Northern?

-Who's in charge here?

-You are.

THEY LAUGH #MICKEY & SYLIVIA: Love is Strange No complaints, I hope?

No danger of confusing Clive with poor old Jim and his limp noodle?

Oh, gosh, no.

What do you think the others will say?

I don't think they need to know about this.

Dennis takes a rather dim view of cast liaisons.

What do you mean?

Oh no, it's just, you know, something I heard.

BED SQUEAKS BARBARA GASPS Oh, Jim!

Oh, my goodness!

I think I preferred you with hydraulic failure.

-I can't keep it up.

-I can.

Is it my imagination?

The chemistry is particularly good tonight.

AUDIENCE CHEER They've fucked!