... female announcer: "Pure Laughter" is brought to you by the law offices of David P. Shapiro, The Mental Bar, A7D Creative Group, branding, marketing, printing, and web services.

♪♪♪♪♪ Tania Adami and viewers like you.

Thank you.

♪♪♪♪♪ Welcome to "Pure Laughter," featuring the funniest acts in clean comedy today.

Tonight, opener Victoria Parra brings her unique brand of dark comedy to the stage.

Victoria Parra: I'm like one IBS flare up away from the weight I put on my driver's license.

female announcer: Feature comic Mark Schumacher uses his experiences as a high school teacher to keep audiences rolling.

Mark Schumacher: My first year, I literally had to text a student, "Tyler, put your cell phone away."

He's like, "Who is this?"

female announcer: Headliner Joel Bryant loves to deliver his comedy like a puff pastry: light and airy.

Joel Bryant: When you all started dating 40 years ago, you didn't text each other, right?

Right, right.

You do phone calls, right?

Or Morse code or whatever.

female announcer: Now, please welcome your host and favorite clean comic, Mark Christopher Lawrence.

[audience applauding] Mark Christopher Lawrence: Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you for showing up for another installment of "Pure Laughter."

Mark Christopher: When I look at comedians for my show, the first thing I look for is: do they make me laugh?

You know, because if you can't make me laugh, then you're not funny because I'm easy, you know.

And then, when I'm putting the show together, let's laugh at ourselves, you know.

If we can't laugh at ourselves, then what do we have?

You know, everybody's so uptight right now and every little thing sets people off and, you know, in comedy, sometimes, you know, comics will say things that offends people, but, really, they don't mean anything by it.

They're just pointing stuff out, you know, pointing out the obvious a lot of times and people tend to not be able to laugh at themselves.

You know, don't go falling in front of me because I'm gonna help you up, but there will be laughter.

Mark Christopher: Thank you for coming out.

I appreciate you.

I'm exhausted.

Anybody need a nap or is it just me?

I was in Puerto Rico, I got off the plane at 10 at night because I got a hung up at the airport in Puerto Rico because a lady on the flight that was coming in to pick these people up that were leaving that morning choked on a grape.

Chop your grapes up, folks, because apparently--she was turning blue so they diverted to Fort Lauderdale, so I sat in the airport for six hours because of a grape.

And then I missed my connection so I had to spend the night in Dallas and the airline put me up in a hotel.

I don't know if you can really call it a hotel.

You might have heard of it.

Self-storage?

That's--that's what it felt like.

That's--.

And my luggage was on the plane so I didn't have like toiletries or anything, right, so they gave me a toothbrush and the toothbrush was so flimsy that when you brushed your teeth, it--the--it--so I had to hold it, like, by the back of the bristles to brush my teeth.

And then, you know, I've been sweating all day so now I gotta wash my undergarments in the sink and I use the hair dryer to dry them.

And that felt very college-y, is what that felt.

Felt like a college thing.

Although, I never did that in college.

I'd just go home and wash.

But we have a great show for you tonight.

Are you ready for a fantastic show?

Coming to the stage is a very funny young lady.

We've worked together a couple of times now and both times she impressed me enough to put her on this stage because we set the bar high here.

Am I right?

This young lady is a local San Diegan.

She's a regular at the La Jolla comedy store, works all over the county here in San Diego and in LA.

Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for my new friend, Victoria Parra.

Victoria: I think the way I get a lot of my comedy is just by living my life and just seeing what comes at me.

A lot of it's kind of just trying to make good out of a bad situation sometimes, and, you know, sometimes, yeah, you get a bad roll of the dice, but you can kind of make yourself laugh and I think that's the best thing possible.

Also, weird things happen day to day and you just kinda have to look at them and look for them.

Victoria: Hello, guys.

How you doing tonight?

Good, I like that.

Oh, half of us have taken our meds.

I understand, guys, you know.

You guys are a lovely crowd.

Thank you so much for coming out.

But, you know, I have to be honest with you guys.

Like, my life's not going too well.

Like, I have a lot of health problems, you know, not so great.

I have a lot of stomach issues.

Some things are good, though.

Like, I'm like one IBS flare up away from the weight I put on my driver's license.

But, you know, like, it is very weird.

I have a lot of health problems.

It's not so great for me.

Like, I had a stomach infection from--since the beginning of COVID till now.

It's--right?

Insanely serious, but I didn't get a lot of sympathy back in the COVID days and I understand.

You know, it wasn't that, you know, important, but I had a diarrhea-causing disease in the middle of a toilet paper shortage.

It was not fun, guys.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Like, it's been through five rounds of antibiotics.

At this point, it has a stronger will to live than I do, okay, guys.

So it was a bit rough.

Like, I'm Mexican, I'm Spanish, and I'm Jewish, you know.

It's great fun, and I understand they're not a popular minority.

You know, it is not a popular minority currently right now.

But, you know, it's great for me, like, being those ethnicities.

You know, I just wake up incredibly guilty and have to shave a full mustache in the morning, okay, guys.

Like I said, we're not--none of those ethnicities are very popular.

Like, for, you know, for instance, you know, that we as Jews have a holiday coming up.

No one cares.

But it's fine.

You know, what I do love about Jewish holidays is that we're always celebrating, you know.

No matter if someone tried to kill us or we're celebrating--it's either that we're sad and we drink, or we're happy and we drink.

It's the best holidays ever, guys.

But, you know, it is a bit, kind of, you know, strange, honestly, to be these ethnicities in today's day and age.

You know, like my parents because of this, you know, they were very concerned about how their kids were gonna grow up and, you know, they were like, "What can we do to help these kids out to give them a, kind of, a leg up in life?"

And they're like, "Hm.

Like, we gotta whitewash these kids," and they were kind of thinking like, what are they gonna do?

What are they gonna do?

And they're like, "Allergies.

That's it," all right?

Because there's nothing more privileged than a gluten intolerance, let me tell you, okay, guys.

You know, because, honestly, like, minorities, you know, we don't have privilege.

We have to be early to shows, don't walk in late, you know.

It's crazy, or we'll get noticed.

But you know--and so they're like, "What we need to do to whitewash these kids?"

And they're like, "Allergies," right?

But my parents went overboard with it because now my allergy list is longer than my CVS receipt at this point, guys.

It's incredibly long.

Like, I have a very ongoing relationship with my pharmacist.

It is great.

Do you--like, everybody has to love their pharmacist if you have drugs, legal ones at that, prescriptions, right?

You know?

And I do love it.

It's kind of weird, though.

I feel like you guys all know, like, when you go to CVS, you know, it's a bit of an ordeal now because everyone's there.

You have long lines, you know, everybody's just cranky and, you know, they always ask you the same questions.

Like, "What are you here for?"

I'm like, "Drugs, Sarah, drugs, okay," you know, and then, honestly, though, I've been there enough, right, you know, that I kind of, like, kind of chill out now and I'm very, you know, grateful for that.

And when you come to the front of the line, you know, they're very grateful that you're not throwing a fit.

And I'm like, oh, if there's one thing I've learned, you know, from my parents is don't make your drug dealer mad.

You know--but, you know, honestly, dating is hard.

I kind of mentioned that earlier, but, you know, throughout generations it's just hard.

And my name is Victoria, so I get a lot of pickup lines about "Victoria's Secret."

It's a bit icky, right?

No, no, no, no.

And, you know, I kind of get annoyed.

I don't think it's appropriate.

So, like after the fifth guy coming up to me, he's like, "Hey, Victoria, what's your secret?"

I'm like, "There's five bodies in my trunk, Steve.

That's my secret."

Thank you guys so much.

I'm Victoria Parra.

Keep it up for the show and welcome back your host.

[audience applauding] Mark Christopher: Victoria Parra, ladies and gentlemen.

So are you having fun?

Are you having fun?

We're gonna keep it moving right along.

Coming to the stage, this young man, we've known each other for over 20 years.

He's been on "Last Comic Standing" on NBC.

So he's here for you tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Mark Schumacher.

Mark: I like the more subtle humor.

I'm not a big high maintenance guy, like a high energy guy.

I just like the well crafted, smart jokes.

For a long time I was a high school teacher, so I taught high school and did comedy side by side for about ten years.

I mean, what happens in the classroom is just--it's crazy.

I mean, people, you know.

We've all been through classrooms, but it's just funny.

The kids write the material for you.

Teachers obviously love it, but I could do a biker bar at midnight and they love it just as much.

It's crazy how everyone relates to just being in the classroom.

Mark: All right, how we doing in San Diego?

Good.

Good looking crowd.

It's good to be here guys.

I actually--it's funny.

Last week, I was up in Orange County.

I was at Laguna Woods.

You guys familiar Laguna Woods?

Wonderful retirement community, great shows, and--but it's funny.

This last weekend a guy called me, he was at the show, he asked me to perform comedy at his 100th birthday.

Isn't that crazy?

One hundred, right?

It's fantastic.

But then he tells me it's not till April.

I'm like, "I'm gonna need a deposit and a physical."

Is that bad?

That's mean, is that mean?

That's kinda mean.

Come on, I'm being smart, I got kids, I got kids, right?

But I'm a long time high school teacher.

Any teachers here tonight, by the way?

Any teachers?

Couple people.

Yeah.

Thank you for the enthusiasm for teachers, guys.

Fantastic.

You guys--yeah, nuts.

Sorry, I don't know.

The cool thing about--what we teach right here?

What what level do we teach?

Oh, a couple of--you guys.

Oh, very cool.

High school English.

Fantastic.

Yeah, long time high school social studies teacher.

You know what's cool about teaching, you guys, doing comedy?

The kids.

The kids write the material for you, you know.

Like a--on a quiz in my government class I asked my students, "What is a major party?"

Yeah.

Right?

Looking back, it could have been my fault.

Probably my fault, right?

I was looking for Democrats, Republicans.

One student wrote, "A major party is if the cops come."

Might have been that guy.

Might have been.

I gave him half credit, right?

I'm flexible.

My all-time favorite in government, I asked them to define the term "extradition," right?

My favorite answer was, "Extradition: more than just tradition."

That's fantastic.

They work hard.

They work so hard, you guys.

These are your kids.

You're doing a great job.

Great job with them, guys.

You know what's crazy, too?

It's that--the technology in the classroom, right?

We're all addicted to our cell phones.

My first year, I literally had to text a student.

I'm like, "Tyler, put your cell phone away."

He texts back.

He's like, "Who is this?"

I'm like, "It's Mr.

Schumacher."

He texts back, "Not familiar."

I'm like, "Dude, I'm standing right next to you.

Here's your detention, lol."

Stuff, man.

I once took a cell phone away in my government class, this is absolutely true, one of the last text messages said, "Hey mom, I got a D on the essay you wrote."

Like, what do you do, right?

It said, "I guess your memory of politics in the '70s is rusty."

The mom wrote back, "Your teacher is an idiot."

It said, "He wasn't even alive when Nixon was killed."

Thank you, guys.

I appreciate that.

You guys and Laguna Woods love that joke.

A lot of audiences--did that up in LA at a cool club, no one laughed.

They had no idea who this Nixon guy was, but.

You know what's cool about--you know what's kind of scary about teaching, too, is like--any job, really.

Anytime you get observed by your boss, you know, it can be kind of stressful.

So anytime my principal come around to observe me, I'd kind of be stressed out.

I started bribing my students, right?

I told them, "Hey, you guys make me look good when the principals in the room, pizza party."

Right?

"Here's what we're gonna do, okay?

Anytime I ask you guys a question, when the principal's in the room, anytime I ask you guys a question, you're all gonna raise your hand.

You raise your right hand if you know the answer, your left hand if you don't."

Guys, can you say teacher of the year?

This guy.

Here's what happened.

It's a Catholic high school, okay, up the road and we start off every period with a prayer, right?

Jenny, she's leading us in the prayer.

Principal's in the room.

She's like, "Dear Lord.

Thank you that we can all be together today and please help Mr. Schumacher have a great observation so we can have our pizza party."

She's like, "I wanna remind everyone to raise their right hand if they know the answer.

Left hand if they don't, amen."

It's like, you're killing me, Jenny, right?

It was an economics class.

I asked the first question.

I'm like, "Hey, guys, what's a liability," right?

One kid yells out, "Jenny," and in my head I'm like, "That's actually a pretty good answer," right?

But I'm like, "No, really.

What's a liability?"

I see Kyle raising his hand.

I'm like, "Kyle, what's a liability?"

Kyle goes like this--.

Switches to his left hand.

Guys, I look around, the entire class is raising their left hand.

I'm like, "Clearly, you all know the answer.

Let's just move on," right?

Had to do that for 45 minutes.

They tried.

They just didn't know, right?

And the whole time this is going on, where I'm kind of struggling in front of the principal, my colleagues know I'm in there struggling, right, they keep walking by my classroom and they start sending stuff to my printer to mess with me.

The first thing I got from the printer was a California unemployment form.

Minutes later I got an invitation to my own going away party.

It says, "Shh!

This party is a surprise."

It's great to have supportive colleagues, right?

You know what's tricky, too, is the first day.

I know we're into a new school year.

I don't know if you guys have kids in school.

You know what's stressful as a student--or a teacher too, is just taking enroll that first day.

This happened to me the first year.

Easy name.

Easy name, right?

Name was Chloe, right?

Guess I'd never seen it in writing before.

I just called out, I'm like, "Schlo?

No?

No?

Cshloe?

Chole?"

How do you recover from Chole on your first day of class?

She transferred out of my class, left the school with her brother Scene.

Gone, gone.

You know, it's--we get a lot of gifts.

See, you'll get gifts sometimes like Christmas, end of the year.

And I think the gifts kind of drop off the older the kids get.

At least, that's what I tell myself.

You'll get, like, gift cards, like, to Starbucks, you know what I mean?

I swear, most of those gift cards, they're re-gifted.

Isn't it?

On the card it'll be like $6.10.

It's like, where's the other half, right?

You would have--you bought a latte on me, right?

But I'll never forget, two years ago, this is true.

I got a gift card to Blockbuster Video.

Thanks.

Everyone tells me when I share that that there's still one open, apparently, in Oregon.

Doesn't help me much.

If only they--yeah, I don't know.

But we have a good time.

I, you know, I--a couple of years, or probably several years ago, I actually took students to China, and I actually taught English in China right out of college 20 years ago, but I took students back there for this conference, this MUN conference, about ten years ago.

And I learned beginning Chinese, you know, over the years.

I was always afraid to practice my Chinese.

Like, I didn't want people to know I was a foreigner, you know.

But we were at the Great Wall of China with students.

Some of you guys have been to the Great Wall?

It's beautiful, right?

But this student, he's frustrated.

He's trying to take pictures of the Great Wall of China.

He's frustrated.

He can't get the right angle on the Wall.

And he comes to me, he's like, "Hey, Schumacher."

He's like, "You're tall.

Do you mind?"

And he convinces me to get me on all fours.

This kid, he stands on my back to shoot the Great Wall of China.

And I look behind us.

There's 12 Chinese taking our picture.

"USA, USA," right?

You know what--I know we have some teachers here.

You--what's the worst website for an educator?

Have you guys heard of this website called ratemyteacher.com?

You guys have heard of ratemyprofessor.com.

That's where the kids go on and they leave comments about their teachers and we're--looks like Yelp for teachers.

It's horrible, right?

And if you're in education, like, stay off this website, right?

Like, even if they're mostly positive, it'll probably bum you out.

The good news is I went on--can I share some of the things over the years students have written about me on ratemyteacher.com?

"He totally looks like Johnny from 'The Karate Kid.'"

It says, "Too bad he's not.

That would be sick."

"I think he looks more like Ellen DeGeneres."

You don't have to laugh that hard, you guys.

I mean, come on, that's disrespectful.

They wrote, "Just not as funny."

I know.

That's what hurt.

I know, right?

I like this.

"He's teaching us about investments, but he lives with his mom."

She lives with me, okay?

"Mr. Schumacher is the best teacher ever," signed, "Amy Robertson.

I know you read these, Shu.

Can I get some extra credits?"

She got an A.

This is my favorite.

"I saw him at Subway and his wife was wearing the sweater I left in his class."

[audience laughing] Relax, it was her birthday.

Come on, guys.

It's a private school.

Kids have nice stuff.

My wife deserves nice things, right?

So, we--I am married.

We just celebrated ten years.

That's pretty good, right?

You guys are like--can anyone beat ten years?

And it's just like, she's like, "Please.

I'm on my third and we're at 14.

Come on, get out of here."

But ten years, I'm proud of that.

I'm proud of that.

My wife--it's funny.

It almost didn't happen.

I'm a little older than my wife.

We started dating.

At the time, she was 24, I was 30.

She told me she was hesitant to date me because I was at the top end of the age bracket that she was willing to date.

And I never told her this, but she was actually the top end of my age bracket to be talking to.

Tippy Top, you know what I mean?

Tippity.

But my wife and I, probably like a lot of you guys--I don't know.

Are you guys opposite personalities?

Speaks in a round of applause.

Opposite personalities would you say or same?

Yeah, I see one.

One spouse is clapping and one is not.

Yeah, that's true.

Thank you.

I'll slow it down, ma'am.

My wife and I completely--like, I'm pretty laid back, pretty relaxed, even more introverted, to be honest.

My wife is just Type A feisty Italian.

You guys would love her.

She's feisty.

My wife will do this.

She will honk the horn at cars while I'm driving.

It's so frustrating, right?

It's tough, right?

She's feisty.

And I never forget, one time I came home from the store and my wife says this, she's like, "Oh, babe, you got the wrong colored Kleenex box."

She's like, "It's okay.

You can take it back."

And in my head I'm thinking, so can you.

But did you hear that?

It's been ten years.

It was just in my head.

Ten blissful years.

Listen, you ever seen someone take back a box of Kleenex?

Yeah, neither had the clerk.

I walk in.

I try to make a joke to the guy.

I'm like, "Hey, listen, we thought someone died, turns out they're fine.

Do you have this in periwinkle?"

Oh my goodness, right?

Before we got married, we actually went through an entire, like, marriage prep book called, "1001 Questions to Answer Before You Get Married."

My favorite question was, "How would you feel if your partner was sent to prison?"

"I would"--I wrote, "I would feel bad for being a snitch and scared," right?

Let me run this by you too because this just happened.

We finally got life insurance.

We have two little kids, so we were kind of late to the game, but we got life insurance.

Million dollar policy.

Million dollar policy, which in this area will get you--what?

Like a one bedroom condo?

Just be well taken care of.

But let me--we just signed these papers like a week ago, okay, and I realized ever since, every time I leave the house, like, she no longer says, "Drive safe."

That's kind of weird.

Isn't that weird?

That's weird, you guys, right?

She used to tell me, "Hey, text me when you arrive," right?

Now, she'll say, "Hey, text me while you drive."

I think it's weird.

We have kids, make some noise.

You guys have kids?

Round of applause.

Oh, that sounds tired.

We have kids.

Grandkids?

Grandkids, make some noise.

Grandkids?

Oh.

Yeah, people love the grandkids because they go home, right?

We have two little kids.

We have--my son turned six on Saturday.

He's very excited, he's counting down, and my daughter's three.

My son--it's funny.

For a long time he had this imaginary friend, right, named Dylan, like a lot of three and four year olds.

And I realized I started using this imaginary friend, like, against him.

Like, whenever we're trying to go somewhere, I'm like, "Hey, buddy.

Looks like Dylan already has his shoes on.

Let's get going, bud.

Let's try to be more like Dylan," right?

Finally, like, my son's, like, "Dad, Dylan's not even real."

I'm like, "Well, you made him cry.

I think he is," right?

It was working so well, I told my wife, I'm like, "Hey, babe.

Looks like Dylan's wife made him dinner."

She's like, "I heard Dylan's sleeping on the couch."

Touché, right?

So my daughter, she's three.

She was actually born at the beginning of the pandemic and we named her Covina.

It's very timely.

It'll grow on you.

It's actually Spanish word.

It means to work from home.

Yeah, that was--.

So that's our life.

My love--my kid loves sports, youth sports.

Did you guys do coaching, youth sports?

It's like a lot of your weekends, right?

Makes some noise, anyone youth sports?

Just a smattering of applause.

Well, I'm gonna tell this story anyways because we were back into soccer season.

He's obsessed with sport.

Here's what's happened, right?

So I first signed him up, like a year and a half ago for soccer.

AYSO, right?

You get the email, it says, "Hey, your son's been placed on a team.

Unfortunately, there's no one to coach the team."

They just kind of guilt trip--like, "What are you doing?

You look like you keep checking this email," right?

And so, I agree, I agree to coach the team.

Like, I played a couple--I don't know much about soccer.

I agree to--and then you meet the other parents.

This is true.

I meet the--I met the other parents.

We had two parents, they played Division 1 college soccer.

Like, what?

Didn't you get the email?

What the heck.

Right?

It's--but it's been fun.

We have one kid on our team this year.

He falls down every play.

Holds his knee, holds his ankle.

I think he's gonna play professional.

I do.

He's--.

You can't coach that.

You can't coach that.

It's fantastic.

But I thought this would be fun with the parents.

Parents are a little intense these days, I don't know if you noticed.

A little intense.

I thought at the last practice, I'm like, "Hey, let's have a parent-kid scrimmage.

That'd be fun."

I thought that'd be a good idea.

We had one parent.

He showed up wearing cleats, thought he was trying out for Manchester United.

He says to me, "Hey, why didn't you wear your cleats?"

I'm like, "I don't have cleats.

I borrowed this whistle from my three year old," right?

You know it's true and I--this is the audience to ask things, like, I'm in my 40s now and you hang out with these other parents, maybe 30s and their 40s.

Things change.

Those conversations change.

I don't know if you guys--like, you might talk about fantasy football still, but there's a lot of sleep apnea that's sneaking into the--you guys know?

One of my friends got a new mask he's thrilled about.

Okay, I lost you.

I thought of all crowds you guys would appreciate a sleep--.

Can I share one more sport's, like, my son loves baseball.

We go to Angel games.

Grew up in Orange County.

We saw them last year.

They played the Seattle Mariners.

I don't know if you guys saw the highlights?

There was a huge brawl on the field.

I'm with--he was four years old.

Like, what do you tell your four year old, right?

I'm like, "You know, they're having really big feelings," right?

But listen, everyone's up on their feet yelling.

I'm trying to be a good dad.

I start yelling.

I'm like, "Hey, tell him how you feel!

Use your words!"

My son yells out, "Take a deep breath or you're gonna lose your screen time!"

You know, it's funny, too, when you see your kids start using your moves against you, right?

Recently, my son, he started doing this--he stole my movie, but he's like, "Dad, dad, dad.

Listen."

Listen, that is my--listen.

He's like, "See how fast you can pick up my toys.

I'll time you.

Try to beat your record."

I'm like, "Wait.

Wait till I'm ready.

You always start before I'm ready," right?

But, you know, I wanna share this.

You guys have been fantastic.

I wanna share this.

I had a health scare several years ago, okay, as an educator, and I missed like a week of school and my students made me this card that was so thoughtful.

This card says--the cover says--I had this tumor growing in my thyroid, had the tumor taken out, my thyroid was taken out.

The good news is it wasn't cancerous, but my students, they made me this card.

It says, "We miss Schu," right?

It's cute, right?

My last name is Schumacher, so they call me Shu and--actually, they call me loser, but I prefer--.

But juniors and seniors are so thoughtful.

Can I share this?

This is delivered to me in the hospital.

"Is it too late to turn in the chapter eight worksheet?"

Said, "It's attached to the card."

Guys, they literally attached it to the card.

I'm in the hospital.

Did I tell you that part?

"Do you mind if I park in your spot while you're gone?"

I like this.

"You should ask for that raise now.

I doubt they'll turn you down under these conditions."

They did turn me down, by the way.

"What's wrong with you again?

My dad's a gynecologist."

[audience laughing] This is my favorite.

"The sub is hot."

He said, "So take your time coming back."

He keeps going.

He says, "Because she's a hot sub, we call her Quiznos."

[audience laughing] He says, "Thought you'd appreciate."

Like, what does this kid think, I'm his wingman?

She wrote back, I'm like, "Seriously Ryan, email me some pictures so I can confirm," right?

Hey guys, it's been fun.

I'm Mark Schumacher.

Thank you, guys, appreciate it.

♪♪♪♪♪ Mark Christopher: Give it up for Mark Schumacher.

Still having a great time?

We're gonna keep it moving right along.

This next young man coming to the stage, he and I worked together at an Indian casino in Arizona.

He is just back from a European tour and he works a lot for the troops.

He goes out and does shows for the troops.

Put your hands together for my good friend, Joel Bryant, ladies and gentlemen.

Joel: I was always the class clown.

I always made people laugh.

I'd get straight A's, but a D in classroom behavior, and I was always just kind of entertaining at my mom's Tupperware parties, if that ages me at all.

My favorite type of audience is the kind of audience where a comedian comes off stage before you and they say, "Oh, this audience is terrible.

They're not laughing.

This is a horrible audience."

And I just go, "Good.

Let's do this.

Let's see."

You know what I mean?

I like the challenge of it.

Joel: Oh, you guys.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

You didn't give it up.

All right, now we gotta do it.

We gotta go.

I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding.

Ding-dong.

Why are there so many buttons on here?

I love--this is so fun, to do a show on a set.

You know what makes me laugh?

Probably, like, I would say between eight and ten of you right now are disappointed there's not a play right now, right?

It's just like, "I thought we were coming to see, 'Angel Next Door.'

I didn't realize--oh, yeah, is it--is this--this isn't what I thought it was gonna be."

And you know what's even more funny?

There's probably like four of you in here that think you're watching a play.

There's like four and you're just like, "This is really avant garde.

This is different.

I didn't expect--they're not even using the furniture.

This is crazy.

Why do they--why'd they spend so much money on this wall and they're not even acknowledging this wall right here?"

Oh, how's everybody?

This is great.

This is fun.

This is fun.

Are y'all--this is a fun show.

Y'all having a good time so far?

Yes.

Yes.

Let's just--here's the thing, here's the thing.

While we're all trapped indoors in this theater right here, let's just have fun.

That's what I wanna do when I'm on stage.

Like, I wanna just forget about the outside world, right?

Like the magic of make-believe, you know.

Like, I just wanna forget because the outside world is just--it's just nuts, it's crackers, it's bananas.

I haven't had dinner.

It's--no, I'm worried about the world I'm leaving to my kids.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

And legally I can't even talk to him anymore, but.

I just wanna have fun on stage, so when I come out here I'm not gonna talk about any politics or religion.

I hope that's okay with you all.

Just see--this whole side is like, "Why are we not?

We're--theater's a political art form.

You better start making some really brash statements, sir.

I brought a petition.

We're gonna change some things."

I don't get into it.

I don't get into politics or religion because, A, y'all really don't care what I have to say about it, and, B, I am super misinformed, so.

I am, I am.

Look, I don't watch the news.

I don't go to church.

I was home-colleged.

Why y'all laughing so much at that?

You hush your mouth.

I got seven majors in three years.

You stop it.

I was Dean Mom's favorite student.

I don't--you fancy college people here.

Where's my community college people?

What?

They can't afford theater tickets, so.

You're like, "That's why I go to the theater, to separate the unwashed."

I don't do--I don't watch the news.

I don't.

Are you news watchers?

News watchers in the house?

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Oh, a lot of--you seem really enthusiastic about the news.

You could tell you're not a news watcher because no one's like, "The news is amazing."

No, it's not.

I don't watch the news.

I don't--I remember the moment I stopped watching the news as a source of news.

It was eight and a half years ago.

I remember the moment.

I was traveling around doing some shows in southern California, I was doing a show in Santa Barbara, and I remember I just got done with my shows.

I was staying at a very fancy place.

It was a Motel 5?

No, no, 6.

There was a six.

That's where I stay when I travel, six or above.

That's how I roll.

A Super 8?

Yeah, if I'm headlining.

Sure.

DoubleTree?

No, that's two.

That's for up and comers.

No, that's for new people.

You stay at the DoubleTree, that's a two right there.

I'll be at the six and above, thank you very much.

And I remember I was watching the news, right?

And I'd just done my show.

I was watching the news and the guy, the anchor, came on and he said, "Our top story tonight: sharks have been spotted in the ocean waters off the coast of Santa Barbara."

And I was like, that's where they're supposed to be, right?

That's not news.

That's science.

You know what I mean?

Like, if you were at home and a stranger walked in and they said, "What are you doing here?"

You're like, "This is my home."

Like, if a shark, like--okay, say if you went--if I went to the beach, right, and the lifeguard was like, "Hey, hey, hey, don't go in the ocean today, bro.

Don't do it.

Someone saw a pack of wild cheetahs in the riptide," I'd be like, "What?

That should have been on the news."

I don't expect cheetahs in the ocean waters.

Or, like, on the flip side of that.

If I was, like, at a Bed, Bath, and Beyond and I look down the aisle and there's a hammerhead shark sifting through throw pillows?

I'm like, "This should be on the news.

There's a shark buying throw pillows at a Bed, Bath, and Beyond.

Did anybody note this on the news?"

I knew I said I wasn't gonna say anything controversial or dark today, but I'm gonna say it right now.

I hate Bed, Bath, and Beyond.

I said it, I said it, and I stand by it.

I hate it.

I'm happy they're bankrupt.

Good riddance to you, BB and B. I don't--where are my Bed, Bath, and Beyond fans out in the house?

Anybody?

Good, good, good.

Now we can finally agree on someone.

Who was clapping out there?

You're out of here.

Take your doilies with you.

I don't like Bed, Bath, and Beyond.

I don't like it.

You know why?

I hate the name.

I hate the, "Bed, Bath, and Beyond."

I don't like, like--like, "Bed," stuff for your bedroom, "Bath," stuff for your bathroom.

What's "Beyonds?"

Like, beyond my bedroom and bathroom, that's my hall.

Like, is there a whole section of hallway items that I'm missing, Bed, Bath--and the way the font on the flyers you got every week that was 20% off?

It's like the bed, bath, the beyond is so like, brraugh.

It's like beyond the duvet covers it's the seventh level of hell.

Watch out.

I'm glad they're bankrupt.

Yeah, I said it back there, former stockholder.

I don't need that.

I'm a simple guy when I go shopping.

I want to know what I'm shopping for.

I don't have time to mess around with fancy names.

Like, I love Toys "R" Us.

Toys "R" Us was great.

I knew that if I went there, toys are them.

I knew what I was getting, you know what I mean?

That's why I don't get my sporting goods at Dick's.

Not gonna.

I don't know what they're selling.

What are we talking about, sports?

I don't wanna walk in there and get surprised.

No, I'm just saying.

I wanna know what I'm walking into, you know what I mean?

That's why I knew--that's why I knew this place was so hardcore.

North Coast rep.

I'm just joking.

It is so street.

"What's up?

What's your rep?"

"I rep North Coast."

I've done that joke nowhere else.

Yeah, that's a freebie for you all.

That's one for you all and the cameras.

That's just a North Coast rep joke and that one stays here.

I feel like that was tepid at best.

Yeah, as Mark, my friend, said, I did just get back.

I was on a European tour doing comedy in Europe.

I don't know if you've ever been to this place called Europe.

It's amazing.

Some of y'all--some of y'all like, "I've heard of it."

It was great.

I don't know, do y'all use the language learning apps?

The Duolingo, the Babble, Rosetta Stone?

Any of those things?

No?

Everybody's like, "We talk American.

They can adjust to us."

The apps are great.

If you don't use the language--use them when you travel because they're great.

They give you a nice baseline, right?

Like, "Hello," "goodbye," "please," "thank you," "man," "woman."

Here's the thing, though.

Every one of these language learning apps, within the first lesson and a half to two lessons, it teaches you to say the word "horse."

But it's not like a side note.

It's not like, "By the way, this is how you say 'horse.'"

No, it's like three to four lessons on various horse scenarios you may encounter.

It's like, "Es un caballo.

Dos caballos.

Un caballo.

Tu caballo es muy bueno."

I'm like, I've never said that in English.

Why would I have to compliment--so I just--like, I imagine America is full of people who are finally traveling after COVID, right?

They got their bags all packed, they got their hotels booked, they're going through their Duolingo language learning apps like, "Honey, you know what?

There are so many horses in Europe right now.

It's crazy."

So that was my whole tour.

It was Copenhagen and then Berlin, Prague, I did Vienna, and then a show in Barcelona, then a show in Paris, and then my last show was in Solana Beach.

This is it, this is it.

This is the wrap up.

This is the wrap up.

It was that and then--I thought Solana Beach was the south of France.

I was like, let's do it.

I was like, why is there four days off between?

That's crazy.

This is--I've never been to Solana Beach.

Are you all local Solana Beaches?

Beach--Solanaheads?

Solaners?

Solana--Solamonellas?

What do you call yourselves?

What is--I don't even know.

I've never been to Solana Beach.

I came here early today.

I got here because I wanna get the feel of a place I've never been there.

I got here at 1 p.m. so I could, like, look around and get the vibe.

I got here at 1 p.m., and then at 1:28 I was done and--.

Yeah, I was like, oh, okay.

I get it now.

I get it, okay.

I'll just--maybe I'll just go back to Vaughn's again.

Look around here.

It's the same Vaughn's I have where I live.

This is crazy.

It's just a beach.

No, it's fun being here.

After this, I'm going to Vegas.

Oh, any Vegas fans in the house?

Oh yeah.

Just a couple on the side.

The middle part's like, "We go to Laughlin and we river rafts.

Sinner, you can go find Jesus."

I like Vegas.

Where's my Vegas fan over here?

There's a--we have a Vegas fan right there?

You like the Vegas?

Yeah.

When you go, you do the drive or the fly?

Yeah, I drive.

Do we have any Vegas flyers in the house?

No, the drive, right?

The drive's the way to go.

I don't get people who fly to Vegas.

I don't get them.

I don't get--because if you fly to Vegas from here, that's about hour, hour and 15 minutes, right?

If you fly, right?

That's time for one, maybe two, alcoholic beverages.

However, when you drive, you know what I'm saying?

You could throw a few more down, right?

And then you pull in a Circus Circus to party it up and it's a good time.

Look, y'all hush about Circus Circus.

I felt the disdain from this side of the room.

I felt some camaraderie over here.

I felt disdain from this side of the room.

I love Circus Circus.

I will back up Circus Circus till the day I die.

Best hotel slash casino on the strip.

Yes, it is.

Don't look at me like that.

It is amazing.

You can keep your Cosmopolitans, your Encores, your MGM Grands, or--I will be at Circus Circus every time.

I love it.

I love it for two reasons.

Number one, it's empty.

There's no lines for nothing.

And number two, and I don't know if you've ever been to Circus Circus, if y'all haven't been, I'm here to tell you the truth right now.

Number two, they do live circus acts above your head all day long and, y'all, they're not good circus acts, and it's amazing.

I love sitting there and just, like, with, like, a watered down Bloody Mary, like, playing the penny slots while some half drunk ex-stripper attempts trapeze above my head.

And any time her loose sight heel could fall off, crack me in the skull, and kill me?

That's gambling right there.

I'll say it.

Cirque Du Soleil, you can go pound sand.

I said it.

Two hundred and fifty bucks for nosebleed seats to watch a bunch of French Canadians tumble?

No.

No, you'll see me at Circus Circus.

It's me, seven drunk cowboys, and one very misinformed Asian tourist family.

That's it.

I was in--here's why I started touring, doing shows overseas.

I was in Paris four years ago and I met a girl.

This whole side of the room is like, "He's straight?"

This whole side's like, "You have a zipper on your pocket, dude.

Are you really?"

I did, I did.

I met a girl and we started--It's like, "We're still trying to figure him out."

I met I met a girl and and we started dating, yes.

Sorry, date--long distance.

I'm in southern California.

She's in Paris.

We started dating long distance.

Let me strengthen my argument for you naysayers.

Why I would--why you would want to have a relationship with that amount of distance in it.

Not only did she live in Paris, she's a dancer in Paris.

Yeah.

And if you've never dated a dancer in Paris, I recommend it on every level, except financially.

Very expensive relationship.

But we made--the whole pandemic and everything, long distance relationship.

I dated a woman in a foreign country during a global pandemic with travel restrictions.

Spoiler alert: it didn't work out.

Yeah, she broke up with me just a couple of months ago.

Okay, hold on.

That was a weird response.

Like, I felt like there's like a nice amount of sympathy here, and then this whole side was like, "We understand her, actually.

You seem like a lot.

Hashtag team whatever her name is.

We're on her side."

And then there was a weird response here in the middle that said, "You can get back together with her."

Is that what you said?

Is this--was that a relationship advice moment?

What did you say?

Now the fourth wall is broken, now I wanna know.

No, I want to know, fix my life.

Let's figure this out.

Let's figure this out.

We're all in this room, we're gonna figure this out.

We're gonna figure out my relationship issues and then we're gonna have--then we're gonna have them come up for sure because I have still no idea what's going on with them.

Let's Dr. Phil this out right now.

Did you say you can get back together with her?

What did you say?

female: Well, you could get together.

That's why she broke up with you.

Joel: She broke up with me because when I saw her, she was like, no.

She was together with me when I wasn't there?

Are you married?

Where's your husband?

Mhm.

How long y'all been together?

male: Forty years.

Joel: Forty years.

In a row?

Let me ask you, sir.

Is the key to a long lasting relationship to disappear for months at a time?

male: It's two words.

Joel: Two words.

Oh boy, I got a few.

male: "Yes, dear."

Joel: Oh, wow.

Wow.

You got him whipped, don't you?

Oh, that poor man.

He's got no idea what's going.

Oh, boy.

Oh, that's sweet.

Forty years?

That's exciting.

Okay, good.

I don't feel better about my relationship now.

Let me get you back on my side, though.

Let me get you back on my side, all right?

Let me get you back on Team Joel on this little breakup situation.

I was a hero for this woman.

I was a hero for her.

I'll tell you what happened.

We were in Paris, and if you've been to--if you know, it is the crime capital of Europe.

It is the crime--very well-known.

They call it the Vista of Europe and it was--just joking.

I'm just joking.

Are you from Vista?

Who's from Vista?

Are you from Vista?

Okay, so you know.

So--.

Here's what happened.

I had a criminal run-in with this woman and I was a hero for her.

I stood up for her.

I was a hero.

So here's what happened.

We were at this cafe, and my girl, in Paris.

Maybe you know this cafe.

I don't know what the name of it is, but you might recognize it.

It was this cafe in Paris, it's the one where they have all the tiny round tables in front.

We were sitting there.

Me here, she's here.

I'm playing myself in this scenario, so I was here, and she put her backpack on the sidewalk in front of the table.

Tourist move, tourist move.

You all would never do that, right?

Tourist move.

And the criminal, I see the criminal coming out of the corner of my eye, right?

And it's--it's not that guy, by the way.

It's just--you just happen to be in the story there.

But I see the criminal.

I didn't know he was a criminal yet.

He--the guy becomes a criminal later.

I'm foreshadowing, very theatrical.

I'm foreshadowing.

He becomes the criminal.

And here's what happened.

Because I thought if I had a criminal run-in in Paris, it would be cool.

I was like, oh yeah, it's gonna be punching and shooting and Liam Neeson's gonna show up and we're gonna take down a bunch of Albanians.

It did not--that was not what happened.

Here's what happened.

The criminals walking by, her backpack is here, remember that?

Use your imagination.

Criminal's coming by.

Here's what he did.

He walked by, just strolling, picks up her backpack, right?

And here's what I did as a superhero boyfriend.

I stood up and I said, "Hey!"

I don't know what else I'm gonna do, you know what I mean?

I'm not Iron Man, you know what I mean?

I was like, "Hey!"

Just, "Hey!"

But the way I had my torso facing, this way, so that if he started to run, I did have a sprint leg ready.

But if he turned around to fight me, I can kick him like an ostrich, right?

So there was some thought.

There was a, "Hey," and the leg was ready to go.

Here's what the criminal did.

He put the backpack down and just kept strolling.

Same pace.

That was the whole criminal interlude.

The whole criminal interlude was this.

"Hey!"

That's all--and I was so confused.

I was so confused by this whole thing because I was sitting here and I thought, okay, either option A, he's like, "Okay, I'm busted.

No harm, no foul.

There's your backpack back.

I'm sorry.

No fisticuffs.

Let's go on with our day."

A, option A.

Or option B, he was just some random French dude that wanted to rearrange the cafe suddenly.

Like, he was walking by he was, like, "Purple bag, brown table?

Those do not match," and just kept going.

But I got the bag back.

I lost the girl, but I got the bag back because I'm a hero of that story.

I'm a hero of that story.

Yes.

So she is very wrong.

Now I gotta be single.

I gotta be--oh, I don't like to--stay together.

Forty years?

Stay together.

Do it, sir, do it, don't jump into--yeah, do it.

Whatever arrangement you all have, I don't know if it's financial or legal or--or whatever the arrangement is.

Shit, because you gotta be single.

Are there any single people in the house?

Wait a second, wait a second, wait a second, wait a second, wait a second.

Let me just clarify, I'm not looking tonight, okay?

That was--a lot of--I felt a lot of people pull back.

They're like, "I am, but I'm not gonna tell him.

That's weird.

The parking lot's really dark.

He looks really--.

Is he just sweating up on stage?

What's his deal?"

I don't like--oh, the single.

You gotta start dating again.

Oh, here's the problem with it now.

Here's the problem with it now.

It's just all--it is all just, like, texting now.

Oh, I don't do the texting thing.

Like, when you all started dating 40 years ago, you didn't text each other, right?

Yeah, because they didn't have--right, right, right.

You do phone calls, right?

Or Morse code or whatever.

Like, you--.

You're like--.

"Are you up?"

"I am."

"What are you wearing?"

It's all texting now.

Or is it--you guys text, right back here.

You seem like a texting generation, yeah?

No, are you all together right there?

Yeah, right there.

You seem thrilled.

He's going, "I'm with her."

Don't worry, give him 40 more years.

You'll be just as happy.

So, I don't like it.

I like the phone call.

I like the phone calls with the person, right?

I don't do the--I like the phone calls.

I had a huge text issue recently that I want to tell you about.

I don't do the texting thing very much.

I don't like it.

I had a text issue.

I ran into this problem.

I had a friend and his name--look, we'll call him John.

We'll call him John for the story because that's his name and you guys don't know.

And John, he texted me and he called--he texted and he said, "Hey, just so you know, my father has passed away," and I had met his father once and, I'll be honest, when I met his father, very old.

I was surprised he wasn't dead when I was talking to him.

And--but he invited me to the service, the memorial service, right?

And it was out in Virginia and I was like, "I don't want to go out there because Virginia is--it's for lovers and I'm a fighter."

So I said, "I'm not gonna go.

I'm not gonna"--I didn't tell--I was like, "I can't make it, but, I'm gonna send you a little something," right?

"I'm gonna send you a little something in memory of your father."

And so, Saturday, I opened up my laptop and I dialed in, I typed in on the Google machine.

I typed in "funeral flowers," right?

And then all these search items came up, right?

And I was just like, this is a really morbid way to spend a Saturday.

So, I clicked on the first link that I saw and it was something cute.

It was like, "Oh, Dollhouse Products, blah, blah, blah," right?

And I was like, let's just click on that sponsored link, and I went on there and it's just all these arrangements, right?

Bouquets and arrangements and flowers, and it was so much to look at.

I was like, how do you even choose?

Until I got to the bottom of the second page, lower right hand corner, there was a bush.

And I was like, no one--I bet no one has sent him a bush, right?

Everyone's sending these big old gauche bouquet arrangements.

I'm gonna send him a bush because then he could plant it in his front yard, right?

He waters it.

It's growing towards the heavens.

What a beautiful symbolic memento of his father, right?

That's what I was thinking in my head.

So, I sent the bush.

Two weeks later I get a text, a text from my buddy John, and he said, "Hey, I got your gift."

And I was like, "Well"--you know, I text him back.

"Well, condolences about the passing of your father.

I hope you enjoyed it."

He texted back, "Um, okay."

This is where I knew something wrong.

There was like seven Ms in the "um" and five Ys in the "okay."

I was like, okay, what did I send John?

So I open up my laptop, I go to the receipt, and there was the picture of the bush right there, and just below it it said, "Thumbnail picture is actual size of products."

Apparently, if you go online and you shop at a place called Dollhouse Products--you guys, they make products for dollhouses.

I didn't realize that and I had, apparently, sent to John, a good friend of mine, in honor of the greatest man he has ever known, a two and a half inch tall plastic daddy bush.

That if he put it in his front yard, it could feasibly choke a squirrel, like--.

And here's the kicker: $85.

It's a lot of money to spend to offend somebody like that.

I was married for ten years.

I did that for free every single day.

Thank you so much, you guys.

My name is Joel Bryant.

I appreciate you all.

Thank you so much.

Mark Christopher: Joel Bryant, ladies and gentlemen.

♪♪♪♪♪ ♪♪♪♪♪ Victoria: It was really fun.

A really sweet audience.

A little different from what I'm used to.

Usually, I think the average age is, like, around like 50.

Mark: Yeah, the show was awesome tonight.

Great energy.

I've done this venue before.

It's honestly one of my favorite venues in California.

It's fantastic.

Joel: Super fun audience.

I love seeing the smiles out there.

I love always getting the random answers, and they got some good relationship advice, so it's just something for everyone.

♪♪♪♪♪ ...