eLaughter" is brought to you by the Law Offices of David P., Shapiro, The Mental Bar, Tania Adami, and viewers like you.

Thank you.

male: Check, check.

Check, check.

announcer: Welcome to "Pure Laughter," featuring the funniest acts in clean comedy today.

Tonight, opener Jessica Rosas's oddball humor will surprise you at every turn.

Jessica Rosas: I have this man that's obsessed with me and he'll wait for me every day on my freeway exit with all these flowers.

announcer: Feature comedian Mike Wirtz delivers a witty take on everyday challenges and unexpected humor.

Mike Wirtz: If I get to, like, 80% charge, I'm already looking for a plug.

Grandma's gonna lose oxygen for just a few minutes.

announcer: And headliner Dustin Nickerson brings you into his life through jokes about struggles in marriage and by being generally annoyed by most people.

Dustin Nickerson: You know what a happy, in-love couple looks like in bed?

"Could you be further away?"

announcer: Now, please welcome your host and favorite clean comic, Mark Christopher Lawrence.

[audience cheering] Mark Christopher Lawrence: Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you for coming out to "Pure Laughter."

Mark: I think my favorite joke is a joke that wasn't even written by me.

It was pretty much written by my daughter.

I was driving her home from school.

She was probably five or six and she's sitting in the back of the car, and she says, "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.

Daddy, Daddy."

I said, "Yes, baby?"

"Did you know that girls are smarter than boys?"

I said, "No, baby.

I didn't know that."

She said, "There you go."

I didn't even have a comeback.

I was two, three lights down the road before, finally, I went, "You know your way home from here?

How about, can you tie your shoes?"

Mark: Who are any--any other young folks in here tonight?

Oh, there's some young folks right there.

Look at y'all, look at all shiny like a brand-new penny.

Hey, how old are you?

Thirty?

Oh, that's not bad.

That's--you right at--you're right at the break right there, 30.

You are 2 days away from stuff hurting for no good reason.

male: His girlfriend's 23.

Mark: She's 23?

female: No, no, no.

I'm 27.

Mark: She's 27.

And that--and that's that.

I'll say I see where the shine comes from.

This is--I see that resemblance right there.

So, you're 27, you're 23.

Now, you in college?

What do you do?

female: No, I graduated quite a few years ago.

I'm not an influencer.

Mark: It's funny how you throw your voice way over there and make it sound like a man.

You could have a job as a ventriloquist, that's what you could do.

I'm gonna get to you in a minute.

[audience laughing] Mark: Do you love her?

Tell her every day, whether you like her or not, tell her, because ask some of these folks here, they'll tell you, that you don't like each other every day.

Am I right, folks?

It's gonna help you in the long run, you know.

You can wake up mad and go off to your cubicle, you know, but before you leave that house, give her that "I love you" and then going off to your cubicle.

That's gonna buy you some real estate right there.

You know, you don't wanna wake up in the middle of the night because you feel somebody staring at you and she's laying there next to you like... and you hear her mumbling, "Why is he still breathing?"

You don't want that.

I've been in love a couple of times, but I'll tell you what.

There's a difference between being in love and having true love.

You know, anybody ever been in true love?

You ever have true love?

I'm gonna explain to you what it is.

Michael Jackson did a concert in Bucharest years ago.

People paid thousands of dollars to be right down front in the mosh pit, right?

Thousands of dollars.

The show starts, the music starts, the lights go blue.

There's smoke in the air and all of a sudden there's a singular spotlight, centerstage, and Michael comes up out of the bottom of the stage into the singular spotlight of blue smoke and all you could see was his silhouette... And people in the front row who paid thousands of dollars started passing out.

That's true love.

I was married over 20 years.

Never once did she faint.

My mother doesn't even pass out.

I have never been loved is what I'm trying to say to you.

Y'all ready for a good show?

We got a fantastic show lined up for you tonight.

Some of my favorites are on this show and coming to the stage is a young lady who's been here before, but she's back tonight.

Once again, I love my friends that show up when I call them and this young lady is up in L.A. doing The Comedy Store and The Laugh Factory, but she's here for you tonight.

Put your hands together for my good friend, Jessica Rosas.

[audience applauding] Jessica: My creative process is sort of just me living my life, looking at things as I go through life.

I'll, like, take little notes in my phone.

Sometimes I run it by my friends.

See if they think it's funny.

Usually they don't.

And then I'm like, "That's a challenge," and then I make it funny.

Jessica: Should--you think we should go around the room?

Everyone says one fun fact about themselves?

I'll start.

I've been trying to work on myself.

I've been working on my positive affirmations.

You know what those are?

Yeah?

It's where you say positive things that you want to happen in your life that are not true, but you have to say them out loud in the present tense so that they will come true.

And I just feel like I'm being sarcastic all the time.

Like people come up to me, they're like, "Jessica, how are you?"

And I'm like, "The light within me is creating miracles in my life, here and now.

How are you?"

I just got a gym membership but I'm thinking about canceling it 'cause I just get paranoid and I feel like everyone's watching me all the time.

Kind of like right now.

This girl said that I should be applying sunscreen religiously, so I only wear it once a year when I have a near-death experience and I'm Catholic so I only need a little bit.

I just take it, I dab it right here, every Christmas and Easter, amen.

I have a degree in theater.

Yeah, that's it.

That was the joke.

My dad likes that one.

He'll laugh so hard his wallet starts crying.

I have an impression that I've been working on if you guys would like to see it.

Okay, all right, I'm gonna do it but I'll tell you what it is after, okay?

Here it goes.

That was a Pez dispenser.

Thank you.

I have a degree, so.

I'm a little bit Mexican.

Thank you.

I don't know how Mexican I am.

Like, some days I eat quesadillas, other days I just eat grilled cheese.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I think the most Mexican thing about me is that I worked at Panda Express.

My last name is Rosas and sometimes old people will pronounce it wrong and I'll just let them know it's Rosas as in osteoporosis.

I have this man that's obsessed with me and he'll wait for me every day on my freeway exit with all these flowers.

And he just calls out my name: "Roses, roses, roses."

I'm like, "Stop it.

I'm allergic."

Every day.

I don't want to speak Spanish.

I don't even want to speak English.

I barely want to speak.

I--if I spoke Spanish, there's even more people that I have to talk to and I just, I don't have time.

When I was 3 years old, my parents took me out to get my hearing tested and then the doctors came back and said the results were good.

And my mom was like, "Jessica, why aren't you responding when we talk to you?"

And I just said, "Because I don't want to."

And the doctor was like, "Yeah, I said her hearing is good but her personality sucks."

I'm trying to get better at conversations like I don't know how to end a conversation.

Like, when I'm texting, I'll just send an emoji to end the conversation and I try to do that in real life.

Someone will just be showing me pictures of their newborn baby, and then I just go...

They never talk to me again.

It's great.

I just called my dad the other day because the check engine light came on in my car and he said, "Keep driving, it will fix itself."

I'm like, "What--who--did I call Gandhi?

Like, I can't--I can't heal my car with these positive affirmations."

I'm not just gonna pop the hood and be like, "Hey, the check engine light is just a light that shines from within you.

Is it really your engine that needs fixing or maybe it's something from your past.

Let's talk about it, okay, over some gasoline, just me and you.

First gallon's on me, okay?

Figure it out."

I was driving and I saw this bumper sticker and it said, "I'm not gay, but $20 is $20."

But it's like, even if you are gay, $20 is still going to be $20.

Like, gay people aren't using a different form of currency.

It's just a fact, you know, $20 is $20.

If you use that sentence formula, you can just put any fact at the end of the sentence.

I'm not gay, but the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

I'll be selling those in the parking lot.

They're 5 feet long, goes across the entire bumper.

I was wearing this AC/DC T-shirt the other day and I had some guy come up to me, he was like, "AC/DC.

Name three songs."

And I was like, "No, I don't know.

I don't know three songs.

I mean, I worked at Panda Express and I can't name three entrees and I wore that shirt every day.

I don't know three songs, okay?

I just--I was at Walmart and the shirt was $12 and I'm not gay, but $12 is $12."

All right, guys.

My name is Jessica Rosas.

Thank you so much.

[audience applauding] Mark: How about another big hand for Jessica Rosas?

[audience applauding] You having a good time?

We're gonna keep it moving right along.

This next young man come to the stage tours the country.

He's here from Texas.

He's my good friend.

Put your hands together for Mike Wirtz.

[audience applauding] Mike: I actually was born in Chicago.

I grew up in central Texas and then I've been in California about the last 15 years now.

I've always been a--an attention getter.

I've always--I loved attention.

Whether I'm making people laugh or people are just watching me, I've always enjoyed the attention to begin with.

So, you know, it, to me, it just seemed kind of natural to gravitate towards some sort of show business.

Before every show, I always try to deny it and say that I don't believe in any rituals, but I do.

I usually stretch.

You know, a lot of times, especially if I've been on the road for a long time, I'll go in the back, I'll do some leg stretches and, you know, like I'm getting ready to--for a karate meet or something along those lines and then, maybe jump up and get the blood flowing to make sure I'm awake because I've got a pretty high energy act to begin with.

So I don't wanna pull something, so I usually wanna make sure I'm awake and stretch out for it pretty well.

Mike: All right, man, Solana Beach, California.

How are you guys doing?

Man, look at this.

I really gotta get a new agent.

What am I doing here?

Man, this is awesome.

No, I live in, part-time now, in California and when I first moved out here, I gotta be honest, I wasn't sure I was going to be able to acclimate to this whole, you know, this-- the state.

All I knew about California was what you see on TV: Hollywood and surfing and, you know, that's--that was about it at the time, you know.

And I'm an outdoorsy guy.

I like to hunt and fish and camp and hike and, you know, I like to be outdoors and I like to enjoy myself out there.

And I wasn't sure that was gonna fly.

So I come into LAX and at the time we didn't have Uber, we had cabs.

And we're driving through downtown Los Angeles and I'm looking around and I'm like, "Holy crap, these guys love to camp, man.

They do it everywhere."

Yeah, man, that's great.

Moving out here and trying to acclimate and, you know, and see what's going on with everybody.

I mean, some things are universal, you know?

Having a good time, relaxing, going out to enjoy comedy.

Drinkers.

Where are my drinkers at?

All right, good.

AA meeting except for a couple of other folks, or a big denial session, I'm not sure which, but that's all right.

That's not too bad.

Pot smokers, where y'all at?

See, California, that's the only place where the pot smokers are louder than the drinkers, man.

Everywhere else I go, the drinkers are like, "Whoa, yeah, all right."

Pot smokers?

"All right."

Yeah, man, it's awesome.

But isn't that annoying-- drinkers, isn't it annoying having a conversation with pot smokers, you know?

You can't do it.

They're like, "Yeah, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a-- what are we talking about?"

"I said, 'How you doing?'"

"Oh, yeah."

"No, never mind.

I don't care.

I don't--I was just being nice.

I really don't care."

No, man, it's great.

But at least drinking, you know, you've got an end in sight, you know?

Weed, you don't have that luxury, you know?

When you're drinking something's gonna stop your drinking that time, you know, in that particular session.

You're gonna throw up, you're gonna pass out, you're gonna hit a cop, you know, something is going to end your night.

But weed, you don't have that luxury.

It just goes on and on and on.

You smoke, you get high, you get the munchies, and you eat.

And then you smoke, you get high, you get the munchies, and you eat.

And you smoke, you get high.

You get the munchies.

And you eat.

What were we talking about again?

See, you don't have that luxury, you know what I mean?

To me personally, I can't do it.

I can't.

Drinking, that's the place for me, and I'll let the officer tell me when I'm done and it works out better for everybody, so, yeah.

No, it is.

How about my coffee drinkers?

Where are those addicts at?

Yeah, there we go.

Fantastic, ma'am.

You clapped for all three.

We gotta circle some chairs over here or something.

Yeah, maybe you stayed off the weed and the booze, you wouldn't need coffee so much, I don't know.

I'm just thinking, but yeah, coffee drinkers scare me more than the other two, I gotta be honest, man.

You guys are banging on the door at 4 o'clock in the morning at Starbucks.

"I see you in there."

What are they serving at Star-- But what are they serving--do they have the Dutch Bros out here?

Do they--do they have any of those out here?

Those lines that go, like, 45 miles, like they're trying to compete with Chick-fil-A or something?

It's outrageous.

Man, I don't know what they've got going on in there, but I can tell you it's nothing illicit.

What was the other addiction I just--oh, screen addiction is an actual bona fide addiction now, you know, being addicted to our devices and looking at a screen.

And this is something that's completely manmade.

I think they all are.

But I mean, this one here, we just totally did it to ourselves, you know?

We got tired of listening to our kids, "Well, here, shut up, go play a game," you know?

Just give 'em your phone.

"Here, go watch a movie."

"Oh, okay."

I gotta be honest, I got a touch of that myself right now.

My phone's backstage and I'm a little bit, "I hope it's okay," all right?

You know, I'm that kind of guy that, like, if I get to, like, 80% charge, I'm already looking for a plug, you know?

I'm just like, "Hey, you got a plug?

You know, can I borrow a charger just for a second?

I need a--can I borrow a charger?

No, no charger?

Okay."

Twenty percent, "Grandma's gonna lose oxygen for just a few minutes, okay?

I'm just--it's a rapid charger.

You'll be okay.

Just hold on a second, all right?

Just--so hang on."

It's nuts and I just, like I said, we're all just, "Oh, we gotta get, gotta have it, man."

I don't know how we do it, sometimes.

But, you know, I guess we enjoy, we acclimate, we try to get used to the stuff and I'm here.

Like I said, California, just trying to figure out this whole California lifestyle.

I was ready to be, like, "Ah, I'm done.

I'm out, I'm gonna, you know, maybe live in the West or find something else."

And then it happened.

Cupid and his stupid little arrow got me.

I fell in love.

Fell in love with the kind of woman you never--I never thought I would fall in love with, okay?

I mean, growing up, the women I dated, they were salt of the earth women.

You know, these were like, they chopped their own wood, you know?

These are women, you know?

"No, no, no, I'll set up my own campsite."

Women, you know?

"I'll shave my own back.

You get away from me."

All right, you got it, you know?

These--for women.

But I hit the L.A. trifecta.

She was blonde.

What are the odds of finding one of those in Los Angeles, you know?

She teaches yoga.

Oh, wow, they have that here too.

No kidding?

And she's vegan.

What do you feed those?

I'm calling my friends back in Texas, like, "Hey, dude, she's vegan.

I--my first date is always dinner.

I don't--what's--I'm gonna get a steak.

She gets a bowl of dirt.

I mean, what--how do I do this, you know?

I don't understand.

What do we--oh, it was not--" Why did I call Texas?

Yeah, we have millions of vegans in Texas but most people don't realize this, but we do, okay?

But we call them cows.

We don't teach them yoga, okay?

We fatten them up and we eat them, all right?

But, yeah, it was a totally new experience.

I'd been on lots of dates with women before and I dated--I was really nervous when I--when I met my wife being that she was vegan.

I was like, "Oh."

Because I've been on some dates with some judgy vegetarians, you know, and I'm like, "Look, you haven't even fully committed so you need to hush, okay?"

But they would give me a hard time.

Like, we'd go to have dinner, we'd sit down, they'd bring my dinner, you know?

And then, "Oh my God, is that at least free range chicken?"

"It was fried chicken, huh?"

I didn't know what free range chicken was, you know?

I'd go home, I'm trying to google it.

Maybe it tastes better, I don't know.

I'm just trying to figure this whole thing out.

And apparently chicken that, like, it has one of two routes to my plate.

Option one is, it's hatched, it's thrown into a box, it's injected, it's force fed and it's marinated through life to be delicious.

God bless this great country of ours.

But I guess they were married to others or somebody and they pushed their way through.

No, we need to treat the chickens better before we kill them and eat them.

So now we have free range chicken where you let them go play outside and they play all their little chicken games, meet all their little chicken friends.

They even develop some little chicken dreams: "When I grow up, I'm gonna be--" That's what you're gonna be, dude, okay?

A nugget, okay?

And I'm supposed to feel better about eating that little turd as opposed to the one that spends his entire life in a box, just praying for death.

He got up every day: "I don't know what chicken tenders are, but I can't wait to be one."

That's my dude right there, all right?

That's my dude.

I drove down here through Bakersfield, California, and I've smelled those cows.

You can't tell me they're not happier on my plate than they are out there off the 99.

Yeah, I learned things, being married.

We all learn things when we're married, whether you're married to a vegan or a non-vegan, whatever.

We always learn things; men, especially.

We're idiots.

We had it all figured out, we knew everything until we got married, and then all of a sudden dumb as a bag of hammers.

We got no idea what's going on.

"You're not wearing that, are you?"

"Uh-uh."

You walk in the house, "Is that you?"

"Oh, I'm not sure.

Is it supposed to be me?"

We are--we're idiots.

I mean, we knew how to dress ourselves.

We thought we did.

Yeah, no, uh-uh.

"Hey, what up, honey?

What happened to my lucky T-shirt?"

"The one with all the holes in it?"

"Those were lucky spots.

Where is my T-shirt?"

"Oh, I've been using it to clean."

"What?"

Yeah, it's kinda--it smells like Pledge now, you know, and it's underneath the sink in a bucket, just like, whimpering for me, you know?

I'm just, "What are you doing, woman?

Don't touch my shirt.

That's my lucky shirt."

That, by the way, is why the Bears haven't had a winning season in over a decade.

So, it's all her fault.

But this is my second wife, by the way.

My first wife was, well, she was good also.

We'll knock her in a minute, but she was very good too.

This is my second marriage.

My wife, this is her third marriage.

So neither one of us are really newlyweds, you know?

I mean, we're just remarried again, okay?

And you know, I'm her third husband.

So, you know what they say?

Third time's a charm.

I got one more, but she's done.

This is it, you know?

So, all right, Solano Beach, you guys have been fantastic.

My name is Mike Wirtz.

Thank you guys very much.

Enjoy the rest of the show.

[audience applauding] Mark: Mike Wirtz, ladies and gentlemen.

Give him a hand.

[audience applauding] So are you ready for your headliner?

So one or two people are.

Everybody else, not so much?

Are you ready for your headliner?

Coming to the stage is a very, very funny young man.

He started here, he did the middle act here.

He's headlined here.

He's back here for you again tonight.

You might have seen him on Comedy Central or on Netflix with Kevin Hart.

Put your hands together for my good friend, Dustin Nickerson.

[audience applauding] Dustin: I've loved stand-up my whole life.

I grew up in the '90s, which was, like, Comedy Central just ran stand-up all the time.

And so I would watch it.

I would just watch comedy specials all the time and I would memorize them and I loved it my whole life.

But I didn't start it until much later.

I was 27 when I started.

I did my first open mic.

At the time, I was married, I had two kids and I did my first open mic and I was like, "There it is.

That's what I've been looking for."

Every crowd's different.

So there's a couple hundred people here today that's like, say there's 200 people, that's 200 different days people had, 200 different experiences that they're bringing, too many different prejudices and beliefs and sensibilities.

And finding that is, it's a--it's a high, there's nothing better than it.

[laughing] Dustin: Thank you.

That was overwhelming.

Thank you, everybody.

That felt like a Tuesday night at Solana Beach.

I'm not gonna lie.

That felt sleepy.

That felt like a few of you going, "I'm way past my bedtime.

Let's make this short, nerd."

It's--I'm so glad that you guys came out here.

I live in East County.

You guys don't usually let me up here.

So thank you.

I know, this is nice to be amongst the ruling class here.

Okay, we'll see how this goes.

[audience laughing] No, I love--I love living here.

It was a bummer about the floods, but I was glad we got some weather just so people respect us a little more, you know?

Because we've got--I've lived here for the last 12 years and I will tell you one of my favorite things in the world is a San Diego winter complaint because if there is ever a first world problem, it is a San Diego winter complaint, yeah.

And what I love is that we say it genuinely.

We're not--we're not being ironic when we say it.

We're like, "No, no, sometimes during the winter it gets cold at night.

No, it's lovely during the day, but it's brisk in the evenings.

You should really wear a jacket in the shade.

It gets cold in the shade during the winter months.

No, it was a cold November this year; we had to eat Thanksgiving inside.

Oh, I had to wear my thicker tank top, oh."

And yesterday was bad, but normally just a little bit of rain and everybody loses their minds.

Half inch of rain, 10,000 cars crashed.

I remember when I first moved here, all right.

So I'm originally from Seattle, as you can tell by the flannel and the seasonal depression in my eyes.

And when I first moved here it's when I learned how bad San Diegans are at rain, you know.

So we're doing a tour of my kid's school to see if it's a good school for him, all right?

And we're walking around and I look at the schedule, and it says it's recess time and I'm looking outside and it's 72 and sunny and I look, and I go, "Where are all the kids at?

It's recess time."

And the teacher goes, "Oh, well, it's indoor recess today, due to weather."

So I go, "I'm sorry, what's that?"

She goes--I go, "It's 72 and sunny.

It's gorgeous."

She goes, "No, it's nice now, but it rained yesterday."

Oh.

Oh, San Diego.

It rained yesterday, okay.

Is that FEMA money coming in soon?

It rained yesterday.

We better set up a Red Cross campaign to support poor San Diego.

Text "light drizzle" to 89400.

She goes, "No, sir.

You don't understand.

It rained yesterday and the slide is wet.

It's not safe for the kids because the slide's--" I say, "Ma'am, you know how you fix a wet slide?

You send one kid down the slide, one wet pair of jeans.

Recess starts."

I also love living here in San Diego because we have such a different reputation than the rest of California, right?

So, I travel the road all the time.

I'm gone every weekend and when I travel to more conservative states, they find out I'm from California and they immediately hate me.

They go, "Oh, you live in California, huh?

How do you like all this freedom here?

There's freedom everywhere you go, you can breathe it in.

There's liberty in the molecules, you can breathe it in.

Caw-caw!

Everywhere you go.

You live in that liberal, socialist, communist California.

Where do you even live in California?"

You go, "San Diego."

They go, "Oh, we love San Diego.

So, oh, we try and go every other year.

That is nice.

How did you pull that off?

That is nice."

So, I love it.

I'm--I live here with my family.

I've been here--I've been married for a long time.

Me and my wife, this year we're actually gonna celebrate 20 years we've been together and, yeah, yeah, it's fine, she's not here.

No, we're--me and my wife are very, very happy, but we're very jaded.

I know we're jaded because of the last wedding we went to, we were giggling during the vows because we couldn't take it seriously anymore because those words up there, they don't mean anything, you know?

I know some of you are young and you have hope and that's adorable, but it just doesn't mean anything, those words that they're saying up there, because that's a wedding, not a marriage, right?

Those are different entities.

A marriage is the next day when they get to the airport and she goes, "I forgot my passport."

Now you're married.

That's--that's a marriage right there.

Today: "Till death do us part."

Tomorrow: "I'm going to Mexico alone.

You had one job.

Planned and paid for this whole thing."

Your advice changes too, you know.

Also your fights change, you know.

You can get in new fights, you know.

We've been together for over 20 years.

When you've been together, at a certain point, you can get in a fight for knowing a new thing.

When you've been in a relationship with somebody so long that they know everything that you know, and you know everything that they know, like, you can't just be interesting all of a sudden.

You can't have just a new factoid, a piece of information out of nowhere.

And if you do, you better cite your source.

They're like, "Who you been talking to, right?"

My wife called me out at all on the other day.

I was talking to her, we were at a party and I go, "You guys know Edgar Allan Poe," and my wife started laughing.

She goes, "Oh, can't wait to hear this, 2.9 college GPA.

I can't wait to hear your thoughts on the literary icon."

I go, "Well, he only made $9 when he, you know, when he sold the Raven," and my wife goes, "Well, someone's been on TikTok, hasn't he?"

It doesn't even have to be a new piece of information.

We got in a fight recently because I said a word she had never heard me say before.

That was it.

That was the whole meaning of the fight.

We fought for 90 minutes because I said "traverse," and she goes, "Eww."

Like, she thought I was trying to show off or something, which by the way is crazy she would call me out on anything to do with language because my wife has every skill in the world, and any skill she doesn't have, she could learn, except communication.

She is a bad communicator.

Like, any of the common catchphrases we have in the English language, she has never said one of them correctly one time.

She is 0 for her life.

Recently, she had to pass along some bad news and she goes, "Hey, guys, remember, don't shoot the manager."

Yeah, and it's usually like that.

It's just like a smear job, you know?

She--what was like, "What was that movie we watched with the kids a long time ago?

What was it called?

I think it was called, 'How to Drain Your Dragon.'"

I was like, "I don't think we watched that with the kids."

Sometimes, here's where the challenge, I have no idea what she's even attempting to say.

Recently, she was trying to say the phrase that we don't need to re-invent the wheel here.

That was the goal.

That was the target she was aiming for.

But what she said instead was, "We don't need to recycle the moon here."

And I stared at her, just like this, so on a beach, because I didn't realize she was done talking.

Because if you were to say that to me right now, you would apologize or correct yourself and she didn't.

She hit it with that same confidence, like when a little kid comes up at a party and goes, "Hey, watch this..." And you go, "That's everything?

Oh, we both feel weird.

Why did you just do that?"

Also, your advice changes the longer you've been in a relationship, you know.

Like I think, like, hereby, I think there are a couple of key things in a relationship.

One is to, like, if you're in a relationship, you're trying to find like, who--am I supposed to spend the rest of my life with this person?

All right, ignore everything positive about them.

That doesn't help you.

We all like the positive things about a person.

You have to look at the most annoying thing about a person, the thing that drives everybody else in their life crazy.

And if you can stand that thing, then that's your soulmate.

For example, if you're in a relationship with somebody right now and they say "expresso" and you don't want to murder them, then marry them right then and there, 'cause I do.

There's no "X" in that word.

You are uncultured and illiterate, is what you are.

But that's how I know me and my wife for each other.

We can stand each other's things.

My wife can't say the word "salsa" correctly.

She says "salza," like, "May I have some chips and salza?"

You feel that tension right there?

I've said it twice; you all hate her already.

And that should be the stuff on dating apps, you know.

It shouldn't be, like, "I like to kayak."

It should, like, "I grind my teeth at night every night.

Oh, you have a sleep apnea machine?

Perfect.

Perfect.

That'll drown that out nicely."

Another thing that I think is important is to find the things that you have in common.

And I don't mean the things you love together.

I mean the things you hate together, because hate is more powerful than love.

As a cohesive bond between two people, way more powerful.

Let your relationship grow through bitterness and spite, is what I'm saying.

For my wife and I, what it is, is we have a couple friend that we keep in our life just because everything they do we hate.

That's their role, that's their function, is they do something annoying and then we get together and talk crap about them and then our love blossoms.

And I know this might be uncomfortable for a few of you because you're sitting next to your hate couple right now, eh?

Yeah, the pat, the reveal right there.

No, they're never gonna get rid of you.

It's important though.

I hate couples.

Very important for my wife and I, what it is, is a young couple that's always trying to, like, flex and, like, get on our level, like, trying to impress us.

Like, "Well, Dustin and Melissa, did you know every night we still fall asleep together cuddling."

I'm not impressed by that.

After 20 years of marriage, I am not impressed.

You know why you cuddle early on in a relationship?

Because you're still afraid they're gonna leave.

That's why.

You're not cuddling; you're holding on.

That's not romance.

That's a hostage situation.

You know what a happy, in-love couple looks like in bed?

"Could you be further away?

No, I love you.

I just don't wanna know you're here.

Further away.

You've taken enough of my daytime dreams.

Can I have these ones at least?

No, I don't wanna share blankets.

I got my own Fart City over here.

I spent the last half an hour carefully cocooning myself into a burrito of stench because I love you."

Hah.

You gotta work out those differences in a relationship.

Some of--every relationship has a good sleeper and a bad sleeper.

There's never--they're never both good, and there's a good sleeper and there's a bad.

If you're the good sleeper, enjoy your life, all right?

My wife is the good sleeper.

I hate her for it.

I--we have most of our fights when she's unconscious.

Just look at her, like, oh, I'm so happy for you, you know?

It's a lot of that, you know?

And like, she's a good sleeper and, like, she sleeps very deeply, very soundly.

She has no dreams she remembers.

I sleep very poorly, very lightly.

I have very vivid dreams, which means every morning we wake up and I fill her in on my little adventures from the night before.

She'll be like, "How was last night?"

I was like, "Last night was tough.

Last night was tough.

Last night I fought in World War II and not for the side you would hope for.

It was--it was not good.

Don't do that if you have the opportunity.

And then after that, I ran for president and I lost to Lizzo," so if you're a good sleeper, enjoy your life, all right?

It's good for you.

Us bad sleepers, all of sleep is bad.

The process of going to sleep is very hard for us.

I can't--you can't just go to bed.

We have, like, a relationship with sleep.

My body and brain cannot agree on bedtime.

I can be barely able to stand tired and body's like, "Hey, brain, we should go to bed," and brain's like, "Totally, let's do it."

And then as soon as you hit the pillow, brain's like, "Hey, real quick, here is everything that you're worried about.

Here it is, right there, right on the frontal lobe, right there."

And you're like, "Come on, brain.

It's 1 in the morning.

We can't do anything about that."

Brain's like, "I'm so sorry.

That's my mistake.

You know what?

Instead, here's some bad memories.

Here you go.

Also, a scene from the scariest movie you've ever seen.

Also, you have to go pee again.

Get up, get up."

You don't actually have to go pee.

It just kind of feels like you have to go pee.

And then when you do sleep, you need it.

So it's heavy and groggy and waking up is so hard.

You know, iPhone has the facial recognition?

You ever wake up so ugly, you can't open your iPhone?

Your phone is like, "That cannot be you.

That cannot be you.

I am filled with the most sophisticated technology in history and I don't recognize whatever goblin got a hold of you last night."

It's good though, man, you gotta work out a lot of your differences, you know.

Me and my wife, we got a lot of them, you know.

We have a lot in common too, though.

You--I don't know, we--I'm still--I think one of the most key important relationship is continue to grow, continue to learn and be--I'm still learning about how much harder it is to be a woman than a man.

And if you're on the fence about it, here's a key indicator.

A key indicator.

It's our fears, the different fears we have.

I asked my wife recently, I said, "Honey, when I'm out on the road, working, what are you afraid might happen?"

She goes, "I'm afraid a man is gonna break into this house and murder me and the children."

She goes, "What about you?"

And I was like, "Oh ghosts, no, goblins and ghouls mostly.

Yours is good too, though."

Big ways and small ways, it's harder to be a woman, you know?

I was talking to my--we--my wife were on a date recently.

I was like, "Hey, I need to go to the bathroom.

Do you need to go?"

She goes, "Yeah, I do need to go but I'm not gonna go 'cause I'm wearing this romper and it's not a great pee outfit."

I go, "Honey, I have no idea what you just said right there," because as a guy, every outfit I have ever worn, great pee outfit, every single one.

No problems, right?

Every single one is a good--and sometimes there's a belt.

That's a little obstacle, but not really, you know?

And I was like, "I don't understand."

She's like, "everything's connected.

Everything on here is connected."

I'm like, "What?"

She's like, "Yeah, it's all come--" She's like, "Remember when we had toddlers?

Like, it's like a onesie.

It's like--" She's like, "You have to get naked."

I'm like, "You're getting naked in that stall?

I had no idea.

This is a revelation to me.

You're full nude going pee?

I cannot relate to that in any way.

If I'm full nude going pee, I'm in the shower.

That's the only time."

Mhm, you're just trying to look cute on a Thursday.

Big ways too, though.

I brought it up to my wife.

I was like, "Honey, I'm almost 40 and I'm a little nervous, all right, because I know--I know your physicals change over 40, all right?

Your doctor does a new procedure to men that sounds, frankly, pretty unprofessional.

I can't believe, A, he's allowed to do that.

And, B, there's a copay.

I cannot--I feel like money is going in the wrong direction in this scenario."

And I brought it up to my wife.

I was like, "Honey, I'm a little nervous, you know.

There's the new thing that the doctor does."

And my wife goes, "Awww."

I go, "Honey, why are you mocking me?"

She goes, "What do you think happens during my physicals when I go in there?"

She goes, "When they go, 'Open' and they spread you open, do they use the clamps?"

And I go, "I'm sorry, 'Clamps'?

What is this, about clamps?"

She goes, "Yeah, there's stirrups, there's clamps, there's a whole set."

I was like, "Is your doctor a James Bond fan?"

I had no idea that was going on in there, you know?

That's what I realized.

Like, as a guy, you can't complain about your physicals to a woman.

You can, but you shouldn't.

In the same way that you wouldn't, like, visit your friend in jail and complain about the traffic on the way.

You can't do that.

There's growth, though.

That's what I like.

You know, in your 20s, like as a male in your 20s, you say every dumb thing, no discernment, every--now, every once in a while, as a middle-aged man, I feel a real dumb thought come up and I go, "No."

That is the best you can ask for us right there: the occasional "No," that's it.

I remember being 27, my wife was 27 too.

She was pregnant with our second child and she goes, "Hey, I think I'm gonna start swimming during my pregnancy because it's a good workout.

It's good cardio and it's kind of weight free.

Takes the weight off my hips."

And I said to her, "I don't think you should swim when you're pregnant, because that might flood the baby."

I said those words out loud.

And when I did, I had a college degree and a child already, and you know why not everybody was laughing in here?

Because there's a couple of guys going, "That's a fair point.

Is there, like, a snorkel or something?

Is that--" And you ever get that look from your partner where they're less mad and they're more concerned?

They look at you, like, "Did I miss something in your Carfax report?

Was there an accident that didn't go reported?"

I'm also a little less competitive.

I always wanted to beat my wife in a swim race, all right?

So when my wife started swimming, 9 months pregnant, I was like, "Well, now's my chance."

So I did it.

I challenged my 9 months' pregnant wife to a swim race and I lost so bad.

I, yeah, I nearly lost my life.

My wife is lovely, she's smart.

She's also a jock.

She ran in college, right?

She couldn't have looked cooler.

I nearly drowned.

I really--I was that level of swimming where you could feel the lifeguard keeping an eye on you, you know?

Like, "If he dips a little lower, I'm getting in, I'm getting in."

She couldn't look cooler.

She was doing the backstroke, 9 months' pregnant, doing the backstroke, just all belly.

She looked like Baloo from "The Jungle Book," you know?

This is a reference if you get between 35 and 45.

It's very specific.

And I get to the end like, [gasping] I can't believe I lost again.

And my wife goes, "Yeah, you know what the worst part is?

You came in third."

Physically, it's a bit a bummer and I'm not gonna complain too much because I, you know, listen, I'm self-aware.

I know a lot of this crowd is older than me but it does start now.

It does, 'cause in your 30s you're not old but you're, like, right there.

You got, like, a little--I got a little young in me and a little old, like a little bit of both, you know?

Like I still get excited about concerts, but I also get excited about Kohl's Cash.

I'm in transition.

You understand me?

And now, this is the first kind of age of my life where things can--are dangerous for me.

Like, I play basketball once a week and I texted a friend my age, I said, "Hey, are you gonna be here this week?"

And he said, "No, I threw out my back," and I said, "How?"

And he said, "Folding a sheet."

And I was mad at him, not surprised.

I said, "Come on, man, you're 39.

You know, you can't be doing that by yourself anymore.

You need a spotter for a sheet, man.

It's not a solo activity."

I'm tired of hearing about diet fads too.

I've got enough life on me to know the truth about dieting.

It's not complicated.

Every day, we all make a choice.

Am I going to eat healthy or am I going to be happy?

It's not complicated, not at all.

Like, cookies.

Cookies make me so happy, I eat them until I'm sad.

Does that make sense?

I don't stop when I'm full.

I stop when I'm depressed.

I have a friend who's a nutritionist.

We're always got back and forth.

I remember when I talked to him, I was like, about our gyms being closed.

I was like, "Hey, what do you recommend, you know, like, my gyms are closed."

And he goes, "You know, for a guy like you," which is already insulting.

He goes, "You know, for a guy like you, what I recommend is just a lot of body weight exercises."

That's so insulting, when you think about it.

"Dude, you're so out of shape, just lift your arm.

Just do that.

That's fitness for you now, right there, buddy.

Don't overdo it either.

If that's too much, use your one arm.

Lift that arm, do that."

And I always go back and forth to him.

I was like, "Well, do you ever do cheat days?"

He goes, "Yeah, man, I love cookies."

And I go, "I don't believe you.

What is your favorite kind of cookie?"

And he goes, "Oatmeal raisin."

I was like, "Oatmeal raisin?

Have you not had the other cookies before?

Oatmeal raisin?

That's like a week away from being a granola bar.

Like, leave that out, it'll turn, it'll turn."

And he's like, "All right, well, man, what you gotta do is like, you know, some people think that like the key to dieting is changing your meals.

But one of the main things is snacks.

You gotta cool it on the snacks."

He's like, "I got a little snack hack for you, buddy.

A little snack hack.

Don't eat your snack right out of the bag or the box, all right?

What do you do is you put it in a bowl and then you put the bag away."

And you're like, "Hey man, I know where the bag is.

I bought the bag.

That's not gonna work, man.

I'm the user and the dealer in this scenario."

He's like, "Okay, well maybe there's an easy alternative.

What's your favorite snack?"

And I go, "Chips and salsa by a mile."

Salza, as my wife would call it.

And I go, "Chips and salsa."

He goes, "Oh there's actually-- there's an easy substitute.

What you can do is just replace tortilla chips with cucumbers."

Which is not an alternative.

That is not a substitute at all.

Like, "Hey, do you love heroin?

You ever try fish oil?

How about that?

Yeah, you won't even notice the difference."

He said, "You gotta try, you gotta make these adjustments, man."

I don't know.

You gotta eat fruit.

I don't know how to eat fruit.

I was raised by a single dad.

I was raised poor.

That was not a fruit house, all right?

If you had fruit in your house, you had money and/or a mom in that house, all right?

I did not know about fruit until Michelle Obama.

I didn't know, and I don't know if you guys remember this, but Michelle got fruit everywhere.

That was her big thing.

She got it everywhere.

There's a healthy eating issue.

They were in the school lunches, they were in the Happy Meals.

And I was like, "Oh, this is what the Jolly Ranchers are based off of, okay."

I had no idea.

I've noticed why, like, I crave, like, sweets more than I even used to, you know, because maybe it's because I don't get to have them as much.

You ever do that thing where you're like, "Okay, man, this is it.

I get to treat myself," you know, and then you have a sweet on your sweet day and it's a bad one.

You're like, "I wasted it," you know?

"It wasn't worth it."

I did the other day.

I was walking through an airport and I saw a couple praying before their meal in an airport.

I was like, "All right, relax.

That's like a little much, you know?"

And then I saw it was a Cinnabon and I was like, "Join them in prayer.

We should give thanks, amen, hallelujah.

I don't even care if the flight crashes.

I'm praying for that Cinnabon, baby."

I don't know, man.

I love being married.

I do like getting older too.

It's like one of the hard things about my industry though, is I am an industry full of single guys.

This is a--like, and I'm a very boring, very domesticated guy.

I have a cool job but I have a world full of single guys.

Like, I have a friend who was opening for me for on the road.

Like, single guys and married guys, we don't think differently.

We live in different worlds.

I was with a friend recently.

He was opening for me on the road and we went back to my hotel room afterwards to have a couple of beers and watch a game and he walked into the bathroom and he saw some white powder in there.

He's like, "Dude, are you getting crazy?

Are you getting wild?"

I was like, "I'm sorry, do you think that's cocaine?

Buddy, that's Gold Bond.

Do you think I'm getting wild out here, man?

No man, I'm just trying to absorb some moisture.

That's all I'm doing."

And he always wants to know what the relationship is like.

"Dude, like, you guys ever get, like, a little naughty?

You guys ever send, like, naughty pictures, you know?

Like, a little--" I was like, "Are you asking if we send nudes, nude photos?

No, no, man.

If I send a picture of skin to my wife, it's like, 'Does that look infected?

I can't see that, honey.

Does that--is it, like, greenish yellow or can you upload that to the doctor?

I forgot the password.

I can't--'" I like my single guy friends.

They always want to know because it's a compliment.

They like--they admire the relationship.

It's like, "What about in the bedroom, though?

Like, things you guys--you guys ever do, like, things like lingerie?

Is it--" It's like, "Lingerie?

Oh, man, we've been married 20 years.

You don't wrap a present when you know what it is."

You know, I was like, "Sometimes we do yoga pants, which is Christian lingerie.

But--" I love being a dad, though.

I love it.

Like, if you, I don't know, if the world--I mean, I'm very close to my dad.

I was raised, I mentioned that earlier.

I was raised by a single dad and I was raised poor.

Not fake poor, either.

Legit poor.

I hate when people act like they grew up poor.

But you know them, so you know better.

They're like, "I grew up poor."

You're like, "Hm, you know how to ski.

I don't think so, you know."

And I was raised by my single redneck dad, all right?

I've seen my dad cry two times ever and both those times involve the Daytona 500.

So, it was him in my house and my Uncle Butch and whatever you just saw when I said, Uncle Butch, that's him right there.

Butch had one son.

He named him Tater.

That's my family.

That's--those are my roots, baby.

I'm always talking to my dad, you know, about like, parenting and he's like, "Yeah, you know, it's all the same."

I was like, "That's just not true.

It just--the world changes, very fast," you know.

Like, my kid's high school has a gay bully.

Yeah, if that's not progress, I don't know what it is.

But I didn't know how to support my son when he was getting bullied by a gay bully.

I was like, "What does he say?"

He's like, "Dad, he's so mean to me.

Every day, he's mean to me.

He tells me I have terrible fashion.

He tells me I'm a bad dancer."

I was like, "I mean, those are helpful notes.

That is good stuff.

You should listen to him, actually.

That's not a bully.

That's a life coach.

That's good stuff.

That's--" Here's the best thing that somebody ever said to me about parenting though, is you do not design your children.

And that is correct.

My kids are not what I would have picked.

I would have not designed a child into musical theater and kung fu.

But you know what's a lot--that is a great design because, you know, musical theater, you should learn to defend yourself.

That jazz hand better be a karate chop to the throat at a moment's notice.

You don't choose your kids' interests or hobbies, you know.

Last Halloween, me and a dad, we were trailing our daughters, we were walking behind them and we just say, "What are your kids into?"

I was like, "Oh, my son's a-- he's a runner.

I got a volleyball player.

I got the kung fu one, you know."

And he goes--I go, "What about you?"

And he goes, "Oh, my daughter recently started summoning evil spirits into the home."

I was like, "Well, you win, okay?"

My favorite thing though is he was still a real dad about it.

And he goes, "Yeah, you know what the worst part is?

Is she's really good at it.

She--" Yeah.

"No, she applied herself.

She learned a new skill.

My house is so haunted.

I am so proud and so scared.

So scared."

You don't choose what they're going to be like, you know.

They didn't choose their interests, their hobbies that, you know, but the modern world is, like, very different.

The modern parenting world is crazy different.

My dad again, he talks about this.

The phone.

You know, what it is?

The phone changed everything.

My son, I remember when we finally caved in and gave my son a phone, and the reason we did is because I like to stay in touch with him while I'm on the road.

And sometimes he texts me from my wife's phone, but I didn't always know who I was hearing from.

So a while back, me and my wife get in a big fight right before I leave.

And the next text that I get from Sweetheart, she's listed as Sweetheart in my phone, says, "I'm sleeping at Pete's house tonight."

Oh, I'm sorry, what's that?

I don't know what series of emojis and gifs to respond with right now.

I just respond back, "Who in the world is Pete?"

And it says, "Don't worry, his dad's home."

What's happening?

I-- [audience laughing] All right, Solana.

I'm Dustin Nickerson.

Thank you so much for being here, everybody.

Thank you for supporting the arts, everybody.

[audience cheering] Mark: Dustin Nickerson, ladies and gentlemen.

♪♪♪♪♪ Jessica: It was great.

I was surprised that all the older people, like, knew what TikTok was.

I wasn't expecting that.

Mike: My mom was right.

I should have been an accountant.

No, no, I think it went very well.

I had a good time.

It was a blast.

Dustin: I had a great time.

Super-fun show.

This room is great.

Just a lot of people are here, ready to laugh.

They're not against you, they're excited.

And yeah, I had a great time.

It was a blast.